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opening up a bit



Well-known member
Oct 21, 2014
it's been suggested to me and encouraged also ... to try and introduce more about myself that the incoherent riddles and worse!... the coherent ridicules of others.

...the timing might be just right... the local mental health team visited me on Tuesday to ascertain 'who' I am and who I have been... for as far back as I can recall... to help me out in the coming times. I had an excellent therapist 8 years ago...but a stroke 4 years ago put an end to that, and then the clinic was shut down.

I was directed into DBT after yet another suicidal 'event'... and I fell in love with all the women in the group over the 20 weeks...there was just one man..myself.

I will bore the crap out of everyone here by repeating pretty much the exact same set of circumstances that has plagued me with seriously serious instability ever since I was a teenager.

I struggled at school with a few outstanding grades and even more pathetic ones!
Careers were impossible for me to understand because they involved maintaining my appalling concentration for more than a few months. 5 months tops began emerging as the absolute limit that I could apply myself before I totally flipped out and sought self harm as a way to escape both my worlds.. : my awful world, and : my slightly less than awful world.

I was not diagnosed and treated until 10 years later.

I stupefied the medical people and nullified the same medical people with unbelievable 'wit' and choices of words and discussion that kept these same medical people at a distance!...

I did not recognise that I was sick!... and despite the symptoms running blind hell in my head I refused to accept any of it.

what followed was easily the most exhausting and dangerous period of my life and I will skip the details..... up to 2009 and in between. by abbreviating as best I can.

...one job two jobs three jobs ..55 jobs.
one letterbox two letterbox's...40 letterboxes
one friend two friends a bunch of friends
...one dead friend two dead friends ...I lost count of alive friends they are all dead friends...
because of ...one drug two drugs whatever drugs are available drugs... seems there were easily too many drugs....especially all of them as often as possible as recklessly as possible the more for me the more I could maintain the high during the naturally balanced lows that my system demanded no matter what I did.
...and why was I spared? I don't know?... but there they went

a person is inclined to meet quite a few people over a 20 year expanse of random and multi successive employment and socialising... regardless of the reason.

this is where my insatiable appetite for borderline emotions kicked in to kill or nourish a relationship.

my borderline was hiding well indeed barely visible as my bipolar continued to accelerate me into even more personally unidentifiable situations and only after these suicidal events became a weekly pastime did I consider researching what the F..K
was going on with me.

and I will gladly kiss the ass of the first person who can successfully map the intergalactic orbit of one and the other.

...it must be some kind of horror-scope!

I am trying to stay on track.

so ?...2009. my last serious self harm...

I might attempt to summarise my experiences with something better than "Oh' hell!"

...everything I ever did was either because I was bipolar high and especially because I was bipolar low...like and ants bum!

and it makes sense that the low like a worms nostril was always in overdrive, because when I was high like an eagles eye brow?

...I was safe.

but there is a condition called "overwhelmed"...

I have for a long while been jealous of those that death actually decides to arrive at them.

but I am aware that beneath and really beneath myself and myself 'life'...

there has been an incoherent and most times:... unreasonable, unidentifiable, unhappy, uncertain and unpleasant individual.

I have been on the run since the mid 1980s... I have achieved nothing further than barely achieved.

since 2009 and what seems a miscount of suicidal events? before that and I need not share those details.

...(it occurred to me?..."I am not dead"....'now what?')

there are no plans no ideas no ..well..nothing!

something caused me to decide to survive...

and the hospital visits just kept increasing?
and I appeared to be getting better the worse I got.

I forgot the signals of 'hyper'....and I mis-understood the crap depression!

all I wanted either way?...

was to be 'knocked out' by the paramedics.

this involved 4 years of hospital, court, and to and fro.

my most frequent guests were the police.

and this had never changed since the beginning...

...I am now on probly the most successful medication since along way back.

oodles of meds over oodles of years...

oodles of bad reactions oodles of major distractions.

but?... I still have a head full of overwhelming crap.
I hate my memories because all of them hurt.

I am afraid to embark on any new adventures because I don't want to increase my catalogue of shame and pain.

...arriving at this forum has presented itself with many fears...
I forget that I am not well often exactly like always have forgotten it.

but?... I clearly seem to need to talk a bit.
I hope this has been a bit better than the riddles and incoherent things that I write.

I expect that who I am today is a result of me running and hiding from the things that hurt me the most..
...and way too often it's been just me alone arriving at exactly the place that I was desperate to avoid...

I have not changed I am no different than I was when I took my first step into the 'oblivion' that is life for me

james ... dm
Last edited by a moderator:


Hi DB x, first of all Welcome to the Forum now we know the real you :hug:

I read all your thread and it does not matter what youve written in the past on the Forum as far as I am concerned, youve been through the mill with Mental Health Struggles that is for sure, I just want to say hang in their and keep fighting your struggles.

I am glad youve opened up, hopefully you can get some support from the forum now and maybe support some others on here.

Glad youve opened up and told your story, writing can explain things too ourselves as well as others sometimes.

Take Care DB :hug5:


Well-known member
Oct 21, 2014
..you are most kind T.e.d.d.y

I will take care yes...

I wish you the same safety.


:D :hug1:
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

Well-known member
Oct 23, 2014
Thank you for your post and sharing your experiences. You've been through so much.

I'm glad that your local mental health team have been in touch. Hopefully you can start getting the support you need again.

Stay safe and well James


Well-known member
Nov 11, 2014
Hi db...its so nice getting to know you and I love when you talk in riddles,it fascinates me! I can relate to alot of what u have said today,hope u are well x


Nov 24, 2014
No longer posting
Thank you for posting doublemonkey. It’s really good to find out more about you and your post does really help me understand you better for which I am grateful. As you know I have found you a bit of an enigma, a mystery wrapped up in a riddle; and I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye since you joined. But I’m glad you have opened up and shared some of what it’s like to be you. I know it’s not always easy to open up as you have and I greatly respect that you have now done so. I would also like to apologise, as I think I may have misjudged you previously. I hope you continue on the site and we can all support each other going forward. ;)


Hi James :)

It is so lovely that you shared your story here. It must have taken a lot of courage. I am so sorry for the pain that you have been through. I'm sure that many of us on the forum can identify with feelings of loss, pain, guilt and shame.

I hope that you get the support that you deserve from your mental health team and feel more able to reach out to people here when you need support.

I love the way that you write, even your more mysterious riddles. You have a very unique writing style that has impact. It reminds me of the way Bukowski writes. Have you read any of his work?

Wishing you the best of everything. Be safe & be kind to yourself.

Verity :hug5:

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the ****s and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
in there.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
you want to blow my book sales in
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
and we sleep together like
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do

-Charles Bukowski


Well-known member
Dec 21, 2012
Another planet
dubblemonkey, thankyou very much for writing some of your story. It is a very brave thing to do imo. It is easier to understand than your usual writing style although like others have said your riddles are very interesting too. Hope you do carry on posting on the forum. Take care of yourself and i hope the mental health team are useful too


Well-known member
Jan 5, 2011
Hey James, I am pleased you had the courage to do this. Its tough isn't it, but you have a lot of warm responses. Keep strong honey.


Well-known member
Oct 21, 2014
...that Bukowski is really something, I could only aspire to such abstract perfection that collides not only with the 'reader'... but?...
also with a very interesting reality!

my favourite author is Raymond Carver... short very poignant stories about people and what it's like being a people.

thanks so much for your 'bluebird'... it made me smile and stare into a nice little bit of space.

dm... james xo


Well-known member
Oct 21, 2014
...I am suffering some kind of speechlessness.

I feel utterly inadequate to reply here this moment.

...but I absolutely must make an attempt to demonstrate what it is really like to be validated and cared for and also forgiven...and especially most importantly?.. to be understood.

I have discovered an urgency to get to know the people here.

it's tricky to walk into a room of "new people"... as I have always been faced with this!..
...and it's always 'appeared' to be imperative to be over-defensive.

mood disorders leave very little room to fit emotions inside the same space.

there always seemed to be an 'overlap' ... an overlap of incredibly difficult senses.

and the leader of all senses is the 'feel'

and even this is mis-interpreted often... and the shame of not being able to describe or explain why?

...sort of makes a really cool person an exile from his or her own 'mind'...

I am so lucky to have been the recipient of PurpleChaos, Fair&Square75, QuickDuck (I love this name by the way)...Verity, ScaredCat and of course... Calypso...

I hope I spelled everything right I had to write your names down on some paper to insist that I shared my appreciation.

please do not hesitate to demand my affection anytime.

you have all snapped me out of my emotionally charged bipolar stupor!

with love... dublemonkey