Open relationship

[SilentTears]

So I've been with my boyfriend for 5 months. We started off as friends with benefits, now we're in an open relationship. At first that suited me - I didn't want anything too serious, wanted to have some fun. He's the same.

The trouble is, I've changed quite a lot over these past 5 months. I'm not happy being in an open relationship any longer. I want to be exclusive. I've stopped looking for fun now, and I get jealous when he mentions people he has fun with. I want us to be each other's only one. However, I'm hiding my jealousy very well and he doesn't know anything has changed.

I have no idea how to bring this up with him. Especially since we're both at different universities, so for the most our relationship is long distance. All I know is that this open relationship is breaking my heart, bit by bit. I'm in love with him, and don't want to share him with anyone. He says he's in love with me as well.

We haven't slept together yet (we've done a LOT of things, apart from actual vaginal sex, as I'm a virgin). I feel guilty, which is one of the reasons why I agreed to an open relationship, so he could have vaginal sex. He's really patient with me and isn't pushing me, but he doesn't understand why I'm waiting. I don't know how to explain to him that I want my first time to be with someone that only has eyes for me.

And this Friday he's meeting up with a girl he's most likely going to have sex with. And my heart is breaking. Trouble is, I'm scared he'll dump me if I mention it. I'd rather get what I can from him, instead of nothing.

It just hurts and isn't helping my depression - nor my self harming & eating disorder.

Any advice??

 

[schiz01]

This guy sounds like he is only after one thing and chances are once he gets it he will dump you .Unless of course you would be willing to continue your "open relationship".
Do yourself a favor and dump him before you get really hurt.

 

[Catharsis]

I agree with schiz01, if this guy really cared then he wouldn't still be playing around now. It may kill you to do it but breaking up sounds like the smarter option here, losing your virginity to a creep like this isn't worth it as it's something you can never get back. I myself waited a long time until I found the right person and I'm a guy! She wound up dumping me in the end [she has her own issues, nothing to do with me] so there are never guarantees, but wait until you find someone who you truly do feel comfortable with and trust at that time. Then you may enjoy it more as I sense you're the type who would prefer intimacy over numerous interchangeable sexual encounters.

I hope this helps, and do let us know how you got on. All the best.

 

[SilentTears]

He has helped me so much though. He knows about my depression, self harm and eating disorder, and helps me through so much. And I really love him. I'm terrified of losing him. But continuing like this is breaking my heart. I just don't know how or what to do.

 

[cloudberry]

You seem to be paying a high price to hang onto your virginity. You have put this man into an impossible )these days) situation. Denying him, then feeling bad when he goes elsewhere. In shorty, you have put him in an impossible situation.

Its known in psychology as the Virgin / Whore. In the bible as Magdalene. You play this game at you're potential detriment with men.

Leave him or stay. If he wont stay with you. You have already said what you want. Go with it girl!

But dont expect a man to stay around when you deny him what other girls/women will give him. They will make hime come when you will not. He will focus on that. I do and I am a woman. I wouldnt stay with a man who would not have a complete relationship with me.

We are all special. But using your virginity as a weapon, doesnt seem to be getting you very far? We are all virgins the first time we sleep with a man, its a beginning.

I wish you luck young lady. Phew!

 

[*Sapphire*]

In my opinion if he really loved you, he would wait without having sex with other women. It's not impossible.

You CAN wait these days, and it is your right too. There are many reasons to wait these days I think, as well as the increase in STIs etc sex in some way has become cheap. And if he doesn't want to wait, then in my opinion he is looking for short term gratification rather than long term gain. I would ask myself if that is what I wanted in a relationship?

What (for example) if you couldn't have sex for a medical reason and you were married with children, would it be okay for him then to look elsewhere? If it is not something you are happy or comfortable with now, then carrying on with it is likely to set a precedent for the rest of your relationship.

Don't forgo your own inner morals/desires to feed the sexual desires of another person, who it sounds to me isn't putting your feelings first. Because if it were me, I'd regret it alot.

 

[trombone_babe]

I aggre with Sapphire, if you really want to wait, then don't throw your virginity away on someone who may or may not stay faithful to you even if you give him what he wants. I know you love him, but you're worth more than that.

 

[Catharsis]

I know you love him, and I know how much you remember he has helped you in the past...however don't let this cloud your judgment of the present. He is either oblivious to how you feel, or doesn't care - though there is the chance he has considered that you care but is waiting for you to say so.

Tell him, please tell him. I had a very bad experience recently with my [now ex] girlfriend who was borderline abusive to me but I made excuses for her because I remembered how lovely she was and how much she helped at the start. You know what she did? She dumped me after everything, after I was there for her, after everything I tried and she did it for herself. She was also the first girl I'd slept with in my 26 years, so yes guys CAN wait. Needless to say it hurt like hell when she dumped me because I really cared about her and still do.

You must tell him, do not let this guy use you if that is what he's doing. Do not let him.