One year since suicide attempt and life worse than ever

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EmmaC

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Jan 8, 2019
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#1
I've always been a really depressed person and I've always really struggled to keep friendships. I've struggled with loneliness ever since I was a child. Last year, during my first year of university I found myself completely alone in a city, and attempted suicide.
My parents found out and were heartbroken, and so I promised myself I wouldn't attempt it again.
Since that time last year I've done everything in my power to make my life better. I moved to another university and made a huge group of friends and all of a sudden life was exciting again and I was the happiest I'd ever been. I switched my priorities from my future to socialising and tried to make life work for me again. But it wasn't long before most of those friends left me. It seems I always do something that pushes people in my life away from me leaving me with no one. This time, like many, I fail to understand what I have done wrong - and so does everyone else who is not part of the situation. But I know I must be an extremely unloveable character. Everyone that ever gets close to me and loves me ends up hating me.
So I find myself again, a year later, with a heart even more hurt and alone than before. I still find myself with no plans every evening or weekend, residing alone in my bedroom the whole time. I have some friends, but I feel like I am constantly drifting away from them as they move on with their happy lives, filled with relationships and large social circles. No one ever shows any interest in me romantically, and I honestly can't understand why. I am such a huge outsider to this world, with no one close to me, no passions or interest, and no hope.
Even though I have parents who care about me - I've tried talking to them about how I'm feeling but they can never understand. They can never seem to help me. They just don't understand. They haven't even asked me how I'm feeling once since I came back from the hospital last year. I find every single minute unbearable, and spend my entire day crying or on the verge of it. I cry in public all day long - walking to uni, sitting in a coffee shop, in the library etc. I have no life, and all I've ever want to do is die, ever since I was a child. I've tried medication, counselling, everything. There is literally no way of solving my pain because all I've ever wanted was to not be alone, and all anyone else in this world has ever wanted was to get away from me.
Every time I hear about someone being murdered in the news, honestly, all I can think of is how badly I wished they had just killed me instead.
When am I going to find people that love me? When is my suffering going to end? Why hasn't someone just killed me?
 
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EmmaC

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#3
Are you having any treatment - counselling, medication - at the moment?
No, I'm going to try and go back to the GP but I don't think there is anything else they can do to help at the moment
 
Urban Hermit

Urban Hermit

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#4
:welcome: to the forum, I'm sorry your having such a rough time at the moment, it's good that your have a supportive family, but if you haven't then as has been mentioned above you maybe should consider some professional advice X

Take care X
 
Victorianna

Victorianna

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#5
Depression can make you believe all kinds of negative things about yourself, your future - but it doesn't mean they are true.
Please keep trying - see your doctor, look into mental health services that your university might offer - don't give up. It is hard, I know, and I'm sorry you are in such pain. I think that the medication/treatment that would work for you is out there - you just have to find it, and it is difficult to do when you're already struggling. If you can't bring yourself to make the appointment, tell your parents that you need them to make it for you.
 
Hopeful313

Hopeful313

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#6
Hi and welcome to the forum.

I am very sorry that you’re feeling this way. Don’t give up and keep trying. Friends come and go. Maybe it wasn’t your friends that were leaving you. Maybe it’s your depression that’s causing you to withdrawal yourself from friends. Take a closer look on what’s causing that separation between you and people you consider friends.

To be able to have relationships, you need a positive mood and spirit. Our feelings and thoughts and words has a huge impact on our surroundings including people we associate with. Your depression is all about that negative energy that you can substitute with positive energy just by changing your way of thinking.

Take care and I hope you feel better soon.
 
Z

ziedite

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#7
Hi Emma... I'm sorry that you're suffering so much... and we all know here how much it hurts deep inside. We/I can offer the usual platitudes of recommending you seeing your GP to get meds or counselling, but as you say you've tried that but it hasn't worked makes me wonder if your GP is trained enough to help you. Getting the right meds is often trial and error any many GPs are not up to date on what works and what doesn't. So if you can access a psychiatrist through your GP or any private health scheme you have access to, I would strongly recommend that. Meds will not "cure" you or make you feel less alone, but they can stabilise the low feelings so that any therapy you undertake has a better chance of succeeding. I think of them as having the safety net under the trapeze.

Somehow you need to get your parents to help you. You say they are supportive but just don't get it, well many British people still don't understand how crippling mental health issues are. I know that is changing, but it takes time. Maybe writing them a letter explaining how you are feeling might be more impactful than a discussion. A letter that you give to each of them. Sometimes written words get the idea across better than a conversation with some people. I know that I need to do this with my husband, otherwise he just zones out with verbal discussion.
And you've probably already realised that you need some professional to speak to, just to get an objective view about what you are going through. So again, go private if you have that as an option, or just push the GP and get a referral and maybe you or your parents will have to self pay for it. Your health is worth it.

As for friends and boyfriend/girlfriend... you need to get yourself stronger first. Most people who are not really close will probably not get your moods or emotions, and if you cry they will probably get scared and not know what to do. So they avoid the situation. Its not you per se... its the awkwardness they can't face. As strange as it sounds, it's not personal to you.

Take good care of yourself and let us know what you need.
 
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EmmaC

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#9
Hi, Emma- just wondering how you are doing?
Not great - I went to my GP yesterday but they weren't very helpful - offered me a counselling session in a month's time. I'm not sure what to do, having trouble socialising and going about my everyday tasks
 
F

Friedland

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#10
From my own experience the GP has only ever been there to manage medication and referring you to other specialist services. I've been waiting since early December for my next counselling, and had to be sent to a Mental Health Recovery House in the meantime due to things getting worse.

The biggest help has been our local (Derbyshire) Crisis Team. Through them I've managed to build up a decent support network - and a list of emergency numbers if things get too much. I know what you mean about family and friends not understanding what you're going through. I normally find that those who have suffered similar experiences are also a good way of finding (mutual) support. This forum is one example, but there are also lots of similar groups out there in the community. Usually an internet search will bring up quite a few nearby. I'm going to a mental health men's support group tomorrow night that someone in the crisis team gave me a leaflet for.

I think that finding friends who understand what you're going through is important, especially considering how it's effecting your life right now.
 
Victorianna

Victorianna

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#11
That’s great that you went to your doctor. It’s surprising that there was no plan of trying an antidepressant, or of being referred to a psychiatrist. Do you know why?
 
T

Tom2202

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#12
Emma. It sounds like you've just described my entire existence.
I feel exactly the same.
I have many friends but the ones who are local don't seem to want to socialize,they're settled down and have moved on.
I'm so lonely,on my own 99% of the time. My job is a solitary one too.
Have been feeling suicidal this weekend,and even thinking of self harming for the first time ever this afternoon.
I'm so frustrated and angry my life is like this, i feel all is lost .
At least my friends have all moved on with life though. Good for them,selfish pricks
 
Victorianna

Victorianna

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#13
Tom -I’m sorry you are feeling so low. Loneliness and depression are a hard combination. Have you sought professional help for these feelings? Did it help? Have you tried making new connections? Things like dating apps, meetup groups, joining a sports team, volunteering? It’s hard to get the motivation to do these things when depressed, I know.
 

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