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One second I am okay, the next I could bash a hole in my wall.

T

The best name ever

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I am a high school student, who hovers 4 years above my fellow classmates (Dropped out, and started again). I really have no problems with my grades, understanding the stuff we go through, and things like that. The first year I had straight B's (5) and this year my grades are around C. Most of this is due to complete lack of motivation. What we are learning does not interest me at all, except for a few topics here and there. I have a girlfriend whom I love with all my heart, a family that loves me, and a hobby I want to one day live off of.

However, I spend a lot of my time thinking. I have a long ride to and from school. (one and a half hours approximately) So my brain usually wanders all kinds of places. This coupled with the rather slow, boring and seemingly-meaningsless topics at school, it feels like I am wasting precious time practicing becoming what I want to be in life. I used to play video games a lot, but lately I have scurried that off, because I know if I want to succeed, I have to practice. (Yet I hardly pull myself to practice the times I actually have some leisure)

Almost every evening I find myself being somewhat angry, and I am having a hard time figuring out why. It was not like that before, back when I didn't think I wasted time, back when I played video games and didn't bother with what my future held.
One second I am okay, the next I could bash a hole in my wall. I felt it especially a couple hours ago, where I was damn sure if I lost my glass of water, I would rail against the first solid object in my range.

I used to be a peaceful guy. I'm scared, but I believe I am still peaceful. What has become of me? I also find myself having less energy, and I have quite low libido. I have played with the thought of quitting school, and starting my own business, but I am scared I will fail and people around me point fingers and said "they told me it wouldn't work."

When it comes to the schoolwork, I oftentimes find myself like a zombie in the classroom. I am perfectly capable of doing the things we are learning, but my body and brain just says no. I have asked myself: Is this a lack of discipline? Am I weak? I have no idea, but I am trying to figure things out.

To be honest, it feels like I have Bipolar Disorder, ADHD and Depression at the same time. Four years ago approximately I took a test to check if I had ADHD, but it came back negative. That was to be expected, because I do learn extremely fast if I care for the topic. Anyone know what might be wrong?
I can't expect you guys to know though, when I have no idea whatsoever myself...
 
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calypso

calypso

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Hiya and :welcome: to the forum. No-one on here can diagnose anyone else I'm afraid, we can't possibly do that as we are not professionals and also we only have what is written. I don't think you should seek labels, but rather ask why you are feeling so angry. You can go to a GP/doc and ask for counselling (if you are in the UK), and you might have to wait a little while, but you will get seen. Its not the be all and end all, but it could help you identify what is triggering you.

May I ask how old you are? I just wondered if this was being young and having pent up emotions. If you feel depressed, then again, can you tell us more about that? Lower energy and lower libido could be feeling depressed, but I can't know obviously. We often see depression in one dimension, eg feeling low, severely negative feelings lack of sleep or too much etc. Bit in fact depression can show itself with anger and rages too. Some people have suggested that some depression is repressed anger.

Can you tell us a little more about yourself? Only if you wish to of course. You have a girlfriend and feel great love for her, so some things are positive in your life. Could it be that you really just don't want to do the subjects you are doing and that is causing this inner turmoil? I know if I am forced to do things a lot which I hate, it makes me miserable. Were you expected to do well and excel? I don't know.

I hope others will be along with wiser words for you. xxx
 
T

The best name ever

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Nov 26, 2014
Messages
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Hello! And thank you for the reply.
I am 21 years old. I have also pondered over the thought that I might experience «puberty-emotions» but I am unsure if that really is the case, considering my age. My girlfriend and I have been together for two years. We met at another school, and I daresay we are perfect for each other. I do indeed have a lot of positive things in my life; My girlfriend, my hobby, my family, etcetera.

I recently came across the term «Shut-down learner» and started looking into that. I somewhat quickly discouraged that term as well, seeing as I have never really wanted to do school-work, but didn’t shut down because of it either. It’s somewhat more recently I have started to feel uncomfortable when doing school assignments. It’s like all these thoughts pop into me; "I don’t need this. The educational system is flawed. They are not teaching correctly. They need to get us excited about the subject to make it interesting." And the list goes on.

I also feel like I SHOULD be productive all the time, else it feels like time just slips away in my hands. Seeing how my hobby is about ‘creating’ I feel like I should create, or think about creating, all the time. And I always feel like doing exactly that, until I get home from school, and just find myself frustrated, sad and out of energy.

I feel like an alien. It does not feel like I belong in the society, and certainly not the classrooms. «Funny» thing, actually. In school we are supposed to write three news-articles, and they are due to this Friday. The first one I wrote, I wrote like we should do. The second my (I would like to look at it as my creativity spilling over) creativity took over, and I did not care the least what my teacher would think. Somehow I managed to get a positive feedback when I asked him, but I am scared the one I wrote yesterday will not be well-received. I wrote some kind of conflict-story whereas my «creative-hobby side» and my «normal-school side» battle against each other trying to get control over me.

It feels weird, because I want to be like the people in my class. They write normal news articles, about normal people and normal jobs. I would love to be able to, but it feels like my brain just says no. It shuts down, and drifts to all other places; How can I design this? that? and so on. I don’t think I should be doing anything, unless I put my heart into it.
 
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