On the run

A

AvicennaD

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Jun 23, 2018
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58
Ever since my last panic attack and I've been on the run. Running trying to get somewhere safe in my mind. I don't really know where is the cause of all this, I try to dig my memories but I just won't get a certain answer. I know that shit happened to me as a kid, and I know there are things that kill my motivation. But I don't know how to deal with this. I'm just going to share something properly for the first time.

I've always struggled to get friendships established. People seem to find their tribes quickly, and whenever I find someone who actually interacts with me, the relationship get cold after a while and there I am lonely again. To be honest, I noticed I'm the one who doesn't look into people's eyes and look to the side when someone talks closely to me. Also, when people talk to me I play with my glasses or pretend to scratch my face in such a way that I can cover my mouth. Can you guess? Yes, I have a bad breath problem, and I can almost swear it's the main reason behind the mental shit that is happening to me. The problem is severe, literally tried everything and went to doctors but none of them actually helped, they just started prescribing throat medicines or throw suggestions that are obviously mindlessly made without actual study. They just want to earn. For God's sake I'm a Fu**ing student I'm not rich so you can play me like that.

This problem destroyed my self-esteem and banished me from getting close to people to make friendships, let alone romantic relationships. I don't know what to do, I always think of way I can earn money to save and visit better doctors or even travel for this purpose, but I'm only a student and we're not rich and I don't have much that the world can benefit from.

Until when am I going to keep like this, running away from people and craving connection. I'm frustrated and depressed. I wish I can find a source of income, I would work passionately to buy my freedom.
 
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