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Old memories of an uncle touching me?

D

DannyBoysGrace

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Jan 5, 2015
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Ireland.
I'm new to this forum and will be answering posts soon so try to help.

I really hope that this is the right place to put this but please let me know if it should be removed.

I have a memory of lying in beside my uncle at a young age. He was tickling my back. It was always the best way to get to sleep and I loved him drawing shapes on my back. He is only a year older than me.

I have this memory of him tickling my back one night in bed, the mood was nice and sleepy. His voice said: "Is that nice Chelsea?"
"Yeah."
"It's not my hand."
Suddenly my memory goes blank from there. I remember nothing else. Not waking up the next morning, not falling asleep, nothing. It skips to me telling my two friends about that night and them writing a letter telling an adult what he did. They left it under a pillow.
Extra information...
I would have been 8 at the latest.
He's a troubled kid who was always causing trouble.
I don't know if this is related or not but I hate orgasms. They feel dirty, disgusting, filthy and I always try to avoid them.
I spoke to my boyfriend about it and he believes it's because something actually happened with my uncle.

My uncle was accused of rape two or three years ago and it turned out that the girl just got pregnant and was too ashamed to admit it. She had s*X two months prior to s party that he got drunk at. She lied about him. What stands out to me though is that when I heard about the trial, I wasn't surprised and I thought "I wouldn't put it past him."

I first remembered this at 16 when laying beside my first proper boyfriend. I suddenly shuddered and the memories came back. I got very upset.
I put it out of my mind for another year, it came back to me yet again when lying besides my ex. It only ever comes back at intimate moments. Until recently.

I had been talking to my sister about being bullied as a kid and she told me that I had forgotten a lot of my trauma. I remembered them chasing my siblings with knives once but it was really that they often threatened me with knives. Since that talk, I've been constantly wondering if I have repressed memories and if I do, what actually happened that night with my uncle....

Thank you for reading this. I really appreciate it. :)

Now, my question. What do you think happened? What do you think of my memory? (I sometimes think it's just imagination and it never happened.) What would you advise I do about this?

Thank you so much.
 
bulbie

bulbie

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Jul 21, 2010
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You may well be repressing something that was unpleasant to you. That though is not necessarily an accurate depiction of what actually happened, if anything did happen.

If you already have a therapist, bring it up with them, and see where you can get with it. If not, talk to a doctor about it and ask to be referred for therapy, if you feel you need to. It's obviously causing you great distress.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Aug 17, 2012
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The West Country
I agree with Bulbie, if you're not already in therapy or counselling, then I suggest that you look into it.

It's actually more common that you might think for people to have repressed memories of trauma and abuse so much that they don't recall anything.
Sometimes they get triggered by certain situations - it seems to me as if the intimacy with your (ex?) boyfriend has started the unfolding of these feelings.
 
bulbie

bulbie

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Jul 21, 2010
Messages
18,476
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Ayrshire
Yes, I can second this. I have my own experiences similar to yours.
 
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