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Old Friends - is it me?



Mar 17, 2019
hi all,

I couldn't find a thread specifically on this issue but I suspect it's a common theme. sorry, it's along one!

So, old friends. I think it's quite normal that people grow apart, geographically at least. There's no doubt that my anxiety has caused me to miss many social events over the years. I have actually gotten a lot better in this regard but my reputation lingers.

My main issue is with one old friend, my best friend (BF). We came up together through our late teens and early twenties, and were very close. Over the years, even though living quite far away, he has always been very proactive in terms of calling for a chat. In truth, he used to do many many miles for work so had the opportunity to call.

For the last few years I've kind of felt like the friendship is counterproductive, but I worry that this is my anxiety rather than a big problem with our relationship. But, there have been some, in my mind, significant signals of late.

40th birthdays have been ticking by for us all - a couple of year ago now. He and a few others had parties back in our home town. I really dislike going back home, too many bad memoires, but made the effort to go, to my BF's and other. Over the years he would without fail call or text on my b-day, but on my 40th, for the first time he didn't make the effort. I'm almost certainly over sensitive but that felt like a conscious decision. It left a black mark on my 40th that will last.

Then, we find that he and his partner had come to an event literally a stone's throw from our house without mentioning it. Again this felt like an attempt to send a message. In doing so they also blanked another local couple who he should treat as close friends. Maybe not just about me then.

I look back and realise that he really isn't as considerate as I think . E.g. he would often stay at our house on a weekday so he could play sports locally. We would have to prepare the house every time - tough around a 3 hour daily commute - but he would often not let us know if he was staying until the very last minute. And then he'd change social plans without letting me know. Never respond to text messages. etc. etc. I can count the number of tome s he and his wife have come to us on two fingers. My partner has made much more effort.

Some context. My partner and I have been going through repeated failed treatment that is hard to plan round and sometimes makes it difficult to go out or stay over a friend's house. He is well aware of this but I really believe he has decided that it is us being unsociable. If he were a friend I think he'd realise that this episode is a hugely traumatic experience for me and my other half.

On the other hand, my depression and anxiety means that I'm quite critical of everyone, and I ruminate a lot on such things. He has actually had some depression issue in the last year. I tried to help him with it. Oddly, he still seems to hold my issues against me.

So, in summary, I think he's been so very inconsiderate that I don't feel I can forgive him (around the treatment thing especially). I come very close to simply telling him.

Then there's another guy - I don't see him a lot - who tells people I'm 'trouble'. in truth, in my 20s I said something inappropriate to his boss. And once got into a fight (my one and only fight) when drunk, again in early 20s. To be telling people this sort of thing 20 years on is very rude i think; I've gone on to be a success and am really very quiet. I'm sure many our other 'friends' have done worse but don't receive this sort of treatment. I feel I ought to tell him so.

So, wanted to get off my chest and see what you all think.



Well-known member
Apr 15, 2019
I think the person saying things from 20 years ago is a very sad individual.