Old friend contacted me but I dont really want to be his friend

[BurningPassion]

An old friend from when I was 18 tracked me down on Facebook. We exchanged a few messages and then met up. The thing is that this friend is the type of person you don't want your parents or your partner to meet. We used to smoke weed and do other things we shouldn't have when we were younger. However , 7 years have passed. I've changed and moved on and have a career etc. He on the otherhand is exactly the same. He smokes weed every day. He never has enough money, has a kid too, living on housing allowance and a crap job

He wants to meet up again but to be honest I don't want to. I sound like a complete ahole saying that but I just don't like him anymore, his personality is not pleasant at all, he has a bad attitude problem and hes always trying to get me to smoke or do class A's, exactly like he did when I was younger but I was naive back then. I'm a lot more aware of people now. I also noticed when I met up with him the once he is completly deluded, his views I disagree with, he is paranoid that the world is against him (thats what weed does to you). He is also very negative in his personality. Generally hes a bad influence I don't want in my life at all!

I've put it off by making excuses ie; I haven't got enough money or i'm busy but he just won't give up! He keeps sending me messages on facebook. How can I tell him nicely? The thing is, I know he has a temper and he also knows where I live! I don't want him turning up on my doorstep drunk or under the influence of something and making a scene in my neighborhood, which he is very capable of.

What should I do? I'm thinking just ignore him but that will piss him off. I could just be straight with him and say we are two different people now. I dont know It feels kinda like a ghost from my previous life has returned but I want to forget this previous life because i have moved on..for the better

 

[GrizzlyBear]

Hey,

That's an awkward situation to be in. Especially since he knows where you live etc. In the past I have found it hard to stop relationships that I don't want...because I am have been afraid of hurting feelings. What I didn't realize (until fairly recently) was that I was consistently hurting my own keeping them alive. The other day I had to block someone on Skype - sometimes the polite "no thanks" just isn't enough.

Saying "I'm busy" leaves the person waiting (with eagerness?) for the next time you are not busy. So....I understand you don't want to upset him...but I'm not sure how you can avoid that (to some degree).

I hope someone else posts something useful....I'd be interested too....in how to reject someone with the least discomfort to all concerned.

 

[*Sapphire*]

Hi Burning passion,

Yes this is a tough one! There are a few ways to end a friendship amicably, I guess it depends on how you want to approach it and how brave you can be!

You said you met through facebook then both decided to meet? So it would appear until you met him you did not know the full extent of his problems? Maybe you can keep in touch with him still on facebook but not face to face, afterall you shared many memories together, and as you can see from this site, people do go through hard times where they abuse substances then get problems following, but can change in the future. You need to ask yourself is it worth stopping all contact with him?

If you feel you can keep in touch on facebook then instead of saying you are busy etc, just say that you are not in the mood to go out with him at the moment. Don't make excuses about being busy because he will wait for a time you are not. After several times he will simply get the message, but stay friendly with him. If he keeps asking, just simply ignore the question, change the conversation but still keep up the friendly banter, again he will get the message and you are not being mean to him.

The best way of course is to be totally honest with him. If you can tell him how you feel you have both grown apart, how you now feel uncomfortable with being offered drugs from him. I wouldn't go down the road of saying you feel he is paranoid or anything like that because he could take it as an offensive comment. Just stick to saying how you feel. This is best done face to face, as over the phone or on the internet things can get wrongly misconstrued. The most innocent of conversation can be misinterpreted.

The things to bear in mind, is be mature, don't engage in a character assassination it will just result in an antagonistic conversation or an argument.
Stand your ground, don't give in, be strong and firm but not rude, and he won't get any mixed messages from you.
Don't complain about him to others in case it gets back to him.
And remember that just because you won't be friends doesn't mean you have to be enemies, if you see him, don't ignore him, say hello and have a chat, but move on and don't make any empty promises to meet up in the future.

After all this if he chooses to start harassing you, and he has no reason to because you have been reasonable and honest then there is little you can do about it. As you say he would only be likely to do it if he was intoxicated. If he just causes a scene in the neighbourhood then I wouldn't worry what they think. I once had an intoxicated friend going through hard times shouting through my letter box at all hours in the morning, and when I spoke to my neighbours about it they were fine, I don't feel they judged me at all. Most people I know, knows of someone that has turned to substances at points in their life so would probably be able to relate to it in some way and in no way do i think it would be a reflection of you, as you can't help who you go to school with!

If he continues to harass you then you need to go to the police, but hopefully it won't get that far, it usually doesn't.

I hope it goes well, whatever you decide.

 

[BurningPassion]

Thanks that is really helpfull. I'll first admit that I was a little upset when i posted. We do have memories from when we were young and when he did initially message me on facebook i was looking forward to meeting him. But when we did meet, i was disappointed that he hadn't sorted himself out. Makes me reaslise how much I changed. I never thought about not leaving open ended promises, thats really good advice. I'm going to try to conjure up a reply facebook message. Its funny i've stopped messaging other people becuase I dont want him to know that i'm replying to other people messages and not him, as with facebook you can see almost everything people get up to! I'm not to keen on social networking anyways.

 

[Dollit]

Do you know that on facebook you can now put your chat list in categories and appear offline just to certain parts of the list? You can make a category of him alone and just appear off line to him.

 

[*Sapphire*]

Dollits right, and if you go to settings at the top right, then choose privacy then click on profile, you can exclude him from seeing your status updates, your wall, or whatever you don't want him to see, although he might notice if he can not access your wall! Have a look and bar him from whatever you don't want him to see. Hope your message goes well.

 

[Dollit]

I was on about chat settings but you are right about profile settings. On the instant chat it's now possible to put people in categories and you can be visible to only those you want to be visible to. I have a few friends who I want to chat to without distraction sometimes so they have their own little section and no one knows we're there.

 

[BurningPassion]

Sorry to bump an old topic but things took a twist.
I met up with my old friend again. I couldn't just ignore him. As much as I slated him, we actually used to be good friends. We had a few drinks down the pub etc. But more to the point. He said something to me along the lines of 'When i'm with you it keeps me out of trouble' or 'you're a good influence, most of my other mates are on the doll or deal drugs'. Its kinda like he opened up. Its strange, I just totally suck at understanding people. But when you're with other people it makes you think about who you are. I felt strong enough not to be brainwashed. I don't really know what i'm saying. Just thought i'd conclude the story.

 

[ms_P]

Is it truly concluded? Take care of yourself.

 

[simonsmith20092009]

I wonder how its going with your 'old friend' these days. I can see the problem when you have grown up and moved on and he hasn't. It seems there is no compatiabilty between you and no common interest.

If he is still trying to keep in contact with you why dont you say 'I am happy to be friends with you on the condition you give up drugs.' If he still wants to be friends then he may give it a go. Depends whats more important to him drugs or friends.