- Dec 24, 2013
It's been a while, last posted around 6 years ago. Some old demons have resurfaced due to some life changes and unexpected obstacles, and it's really ramped up the anxiety. Up until the last year, it was more my depression that was the problem. Had a few years of doing ok, not necessarily fully content but not falling apart either. Then the last year kind of fucked massively with my head. I started new medication which makes me feel more like myself but my anxiety, when it flares up, has gotten quite bad since the switch. I guess I felt more numb on the old medication. So it's trial and error until I find the right dose that works for me, the doctor thinks the dose wasn't high enough on the new medication. I also had some short term counselling which reexamined some old wounds, which was pretty difficult. It brought some painful memories to the surface. I just want to fix how anxious I'm getting sometimes, I'm so worried that others think I'm crazy and are noticing and talking about it. I'm worried that noone likes me and that everyone thinks I'm a creep. I'm scared of pushing everyone away because they think I'm crazy and obsessive for worrying and getting upset about trivial things. It terrifies me, because that's not really me. Some things that are making me anxious aren't trivial, which I can accept, just not the trivial things. I'm so scared because at the moment I feel broken and that noone will ever truly love me. I'm worried that I'm too damaged to have a successful loving relationship or to maintain my close friendships. I feel like I've never really had stability or nurturing in my life and it's something I crave. But at the same time letting someone in past my walls scares me, I feel afraid when I'm vulnerable.