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Ok so here goes... why i started sh, what happened to me - my poem

scaredANDbroken

scaredANDbroken

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OK so just going to get this out there, as by posting hopefully it will help me let go abit.

This has been really hard for me to write, but with many recent sleepless nights im trying to start to face what happened.

This relates to my previous post, 'please read - why it all started', i had never admitted to myself or others before why i first started self harming all those year ago, but recent events have forced it back to the front of my mind so im trying to make sense of it the only way i really know how, which is via poem...



There was one day that changed her life,
when she was just a girl
up til then she had been care free,
without a worry in the world,
her life hadn’t been trouble free,
her dad left, her house was always full of arguments,
her brother always in trouble with the police,
but still she had been happy,
she was popular and had loads of friends,
but was what to happen she couldn’t comprehend,
she was young, naive and easily lead,
and since that day her wrists have often bled.


He two was not an adult,
he was just a boy himself,
but should of known right from wrong,
as it was clear she wasn’t playing along,
he took away her innocence,
her future and her dreams,
no means no, and he knew that,
but still he carried on.


7 years on and that days still crystal clear,
how can you forget the unforgettable,
how could she forget her fear,
she may of liked him, but as a childhood crush
she may have flirted, even lead him on,
but that doesn’t change that what he did was still wrong,
she too may have been responsible,
may have brought it upon herself,
but that just makes it harder,
having to live with herself.


She agreed to pop back to his house,
but had no idea what he had in mind,
and by then it was too late,
as he wasn’t changing his mind.
She didn’t tell nobody,
didn’t want anybody to know,
how could she when it was too her fault,
so for the world she put on a show,
she didn’t even tell her friend she’d gone to visit,
she just jumped back on the plane home,
no one must know she wasn’t ok,
how hurt and broke she is,
she felt so dirty, so worthless, so used,
she was once so confident, but not so now,
she had craved attention, was promiscuous, a slut,
but what happened, well she hadn’t asked for that.


She keeps it her secrete, she couldn’t talk,
couldn’t face admitting what happened,
it got too much, she wanted to die, she wanted out,
she knew what she wanted to do, she had no doubt,
she took all the pills, she harmed her wrists,
but still she failed, she awoke the next day,
full of guilt and with wounds to hide


....but that’s when it started,
that was when what he did truly ruined her life,
she discovered a release, a way to cope,
the one thing which gave her hope,
was just one downwards slippery slope.

She found her new worst enemy,
which slowly took over her life,
it wasn’t just what happened which she hid so well,
but the marks inflicted on her body,
was the other secrete she wouldn’t ever tell.
 
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calypso

calypso

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Hiya Scared and Broken

What happened to you is not your fault. You may have been curious, but that does not excuse anyone taking advantage of that. The fact the other erson was young too, they still knew right from wrong. Knowing where the harm came from, is the start. Can you get good therapy and work on this? You can break this circuit you are on, and lead a healthy life, free from that pain. It is possible = I am 55 and doing therapy and looking forward to a new beginning - so I am sure you can at your younger age.

So the only thing you can ever do with destructive secrets is to refuse to keep them secret. Talking to your family is too threatening at the moment, so that is why I think a therapist is really essential. Why should you suffer when he/she is probably living well with no thought for you. xxx
 
P

Petalsoup

Former member
:hug: what a moving post, it is easy to pretend to ignore the internal pain when you can self-harm I think.

I agree with calypso, could you access therapy to help you turn things around and take away the power that day holds over you? You could ask your gp, or on the local nhs choices page you should find some listed under mental health.

:hug:
 
scaredANDbroken

scaredANDbroken

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i wish i could access therapy but don't think i could, I've never been able to speak, to put antyhing into words, so i dont see how therapy would be productive :/ and im crap at asking for help.

thank you calypso, 'he only thing you can ever do with destructive secrets is to refuse to keep them secret', i think im starting to realize that now but still dont feel ready to truly face up to and let anyone IRT now, its to daunting, and your comment about 'Why should i suffer when he is probably living well with no thought for you' is something which I've often thought of,i bet he's never even given it a second thought, and that sickens me, but you and petalsoup are right i need to learn to 'take away the power that day holds over me', i just haven't figured out how to go about this yet :(

and thank you both for not judging me
 
calypso

calypso

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No-one will judge you. You were badly hurt and you are trying so hard to deal with this. It is a start to just say the words over in your mind, and listen to them. I think you will find your courage to ask for help when you get angry enough. it is the suppression of anger which is a problem, because once released, it can motivate you very well. Can you write it down and hand it to someone, its a way to get over the silence you fear.
 
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saveme26

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I'm so glad you've posted that!

Kind of what happened to me too but I just can't talk about it, those words really hit me.

Thank you !
 
scaredANDbroken

scaredANDbroken

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i dunno calypso, i honestly don't understand how people can tell others about this kinda of stuff, i still dont want anyone to know, i wouldn't be able to write it down, i cant even say it outloud to myself

and sorry to hear that saveme, hope you are doing ok x
 
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saveme26

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I'm okay, noone really knows my story because I just can't talk about it.. I've learnt to deal with it on my own, there are times when I breakdown but I guess that's normal right? x
 
tiger jane

tiger jane

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this hit me very hard! i relate to this alot! im sorry you went thru it, u take care xxx
 
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dusty1.3

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scared and broken

if you dont mind me saying, you have put so much into that poem, its heartbreaking, hugs to you and any1 who has felt that too, also you have been so strong and brave sharing that with us all. it emotionally moved me, came from your heart and soul. like many have said on here, i believe you will know when the time is right and finally take control and gain your power from within yourself, because you have the key, i hope one day when you are ready you could show that poem to proffessional,who will help you break cycle.as i said it speaks volumes you dont need say a word, i wish you well x
 
calypso

calypso

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Hey again

I do understand a lot of this, I was raped once. You know it took me over a year to just use that word - rape - it gave me shudders. But once I said it out loud it had a transforming effect on me. You say you can't find the words - but you just have, and that is a huge step forward. xxx
 
scaredANDbroken

scaredANDbroken

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So sorry to hear that calypso, and i know what you mean, i've still never said it, and its been 7 almost 8 years, i spose a huge part of it is because i still blame myself and feel responsible and so don't see it as that.
 
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