Oh what the hell,...

anouska

anouska

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smoked 9 ciggies so far, need something to get me through this blip (been told by Neurologist to never smoke again. Rapid cycling yesterday, Psychosis, suicidal (now i'm out of my wheelchair (in remission) have MS) nearly jumped out the top floor flat window. Was close to hospital admission.
Nearly hit the bottle, so close, so close. OK - I'm lying, im sorry, so sorry, I had a beer today, but if it helps me get through this moment in time then so be it.
Had only just managed to stay in control with the help from my partner last night, thank god. downed my medication, have been trying to find a balance you see but once again I f****d it up. I can't afford to make anymore mistakes.
I suppose I've just nipped it in the bud, just in time again.
I'm only trying to do whats best for me and my family, finding a 'balance'. I don't want to be knocked out with potent medication night and day because that's the reality of it, that's no life is it? I've asked my doctor for help but he won't help me taper down. It's so hard.:cry2:
 
anouska

anouska

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Joined
Jan 13, 2013
Messages
859
Location
UK
Just want to find a happy medium that's all. Not drugged up, sleeping day and night, you know? That's no life is it?

I've increased the meds and i'm feeling much better already. I just about managed to nip it in the bud, under my 'own' control with the help from my partner (thankfully). What on earth would I do without him, he's helped me so much and fully understands me, he's a diamond. If I hadn't have done this I would be in hospital or worse dead (and that's the truth, I was panicking, shaking, hysterical, crying, wanted to end that feeling). If I was in hospital they'd be taking control of me, by telling me I must take the full wack of a dosage.

I understand their concern and I know it's their job and they're just trying to help, but I need to find a balance. It's dangerous I know, and at times I have been playing with fire, I've been on the edge, but i'm going to do this, I'm going to find my way somehow. I have afew things in mind, alternative therapies, meditation, exercise and lots of other things all in combination with a small dose of medication. I can accept that.

I've another pyschiatrist appointment next week.

Thanks for reading. xx
 
anouska

anouska

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Joined
Jan 13, 2013
Messages
859
Location
UK
had my beer yesterday and smoked 10 cigs (haven't smoked since last admission back in November), taking nearly full dose of meds. Feel so much better. No more drinking now, a new day.

Have just bought another 10 cigs because I'm still slightly manic, but nothing I can't handle.

Thai neighbour is going to cook a thai dinner for myself and family and she's going to take me to the temple, bless her. This'll help me too.

Wow - do I feel better :)! what a crazy couple of days xxx
 
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