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oh my lord

S

shalee

Member
Joined
Aug 15, 2008
Messages
7
i am really glad that i have this board to turn to when i just feel like venting about my emotions.

i am really up in the air lately. i just can't even begin to explain it to you guys, but i am sure i don't have to, i am sure you all know what i am talking about.

my psychiatrist believes that what i am experiencing, and have been experiencing since the first day of august is a persistant mixed state of bipolar type 1. i am feeling every emotion all at once, or at the drop of a hat. it is very confusing, very difficult to explain, very frustrating, yet very beautiful and magical and i love it but i hate it.

i won't get into what has all went down since early august, since tonight i am focused on what is going on NOW, and how things seem to be shifting for me with every passing minute.

tonight i feel very happy, very content, like life is beautiful and wonderful and lyrical and poetic. i am so HAPPY, i just cannot believe that anyone would want to medicate themselves out of this glorious state. i am starting to deny my diagnosis, and keep thinking that maybe i made it all up, or maybe i exaggerated my symptoms and there is no problem at all. i felt totally out of control with my money, and unable to reason with myself not to order take out food. i tried telling myself that i do NOT have the money for it, and using my visa is a bad idea. but i just laughed it off and scoffed about it, and i ordered 20 dollars worth of food. then i sat here alone, and wolfed down the entire thing (enough to feed 2 or 3 people) in about 5 minutes flat. i ate so fast without even chewing that i am now in extreme pain. but i felt a complete and utter loss of control. i could not stop myself.

i do tend to overeat on occassion, but what was different about tonight was the inability to control myself, and then the immediate grief and guilt and regret that followed. i feel so horrible about spending the money. i am so mad at myself for losing control. yet i am still sitting here basking in the beautiful mood and studying photography, poetry, listening to soothing music. but at the same time i am very agitated, i am very angry, i am very sad yet i am overly happy. i can't even explain myself and have it make an ounce of sense, i am so frustrated.

i am normally so aware of my condition and have such great insight into what i am feeling but lately it has been a blur.

i can't sleep. i need to stay up all night looking at photography and designing a journal for myself. i can't seem to just tell myself go the hell to bed. i called my husband at work and told him i wanted to talk to him about this, and his only solution was 'just go to bed'. i am really angry at him for not understanding, though i can see why he is so confused.

please tell me someone can relate. i just don't know what to do, how to even begin to understand what is going on with me.

i went to work tonight and i sat in the bathroom hiding, avoiding everyone, and i sat on the bathroom floor laughing and talking out loud to imaginary people and thinking boy i must really be fooling my coworkers. i did not want to be around anyone. i just did not care.
 
Last edited:
chesya

chesya

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 9, 2008
Messages
86
Location
Cornwall
I can't offer much practical advice, only just to confirm that there are people reading what you've written with interest and concern.

Try not to judge yourself to harshly for slips. Yes we need to get a grip, but when we can. I know that feeling of needing to consume and to hell with the consequences. I know that being judgemental to myself always feeds badly back into that loop.

Just try in the mean time to be methodical about shoring up what bits of reality you can: like getting the best support and treatment you can. Check out if you can that your husband knows about your condition. Try to sleep when you feel there is the remotest possibility of being able to. Use the excellently lucidity you have to limit any possible long term damage.
 
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