OCD won't let me have anything good.

A

AllOutLife

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Hello all, hopefully some will see this and maybe even respond. Anyway, I've lurked this forum because I just need to know I was not alone in suffering from this horrendous illness. The all out honesty of this forum that's met with compassion and understanding immediately struck me. Especially since as fellow suffers understand very well, this is a very isolating affliction. With that out of the way, I'll jump straight into my episode I had this morning that drove me to seek out a place where I could talk about it. Please bear with me as this will be my first time talking openly a sickness that I feel like I can't even talk to those closest to me about.
So I'm 23 and not afraid to admit anymore that I'm a very lonely person. One of my only pleasures in life is looking at the love shared between fictional characters and almost vicariously live out something through them that I feel like I can never have in real life. Now, this is when OCD comes in. I was reading some fan fiction of a fictional couple and enjoying this tiny bit of warmness in my life until that awful, perverted voice in my head came in. Suddenly those who I was reading about took a different form in my head. That awful shadow part of my mind turned these beloved characters who were a form of solace to me into people I knew in real life. People who completely played me and sadistically left me to stew in my loneliness while they went off together, happy as could be. Suddenly, I felt everything again. The hurt, betrayal, loneliness, self loathing all came flooding back and what was a source of comfort (no matter how lame some may think) became a source of torment. I can't have anything. I just wanted this one little bit of joy in an existence where I feel so empty and like I'll never belong, and my OCD won't even let me have that. All I want is just this one little source of light and beauty in my life, even if it is just a vicarious fantasy, but it's always ripped from me and twisted into a form of torture somehow. This isn't the first time, it's happened with many other things that would give me just a slice of happiness, but this is the time where I can't just suffer in silence anymore. I can't keep living like this. Even as I write this, the intrusive thoughts are taunting me. They're relishing in their victory, reminding me that I'm just a pathetic loser who can't have anything. I'm by no means implying suicidal intent, but I really don't know how I can keep living like this. So many people think they know what horror is because they watched some scary movie. This is what real horror is. Living in this hell and being forced to suffer it in silence because you know no one else will understand.
If you made it through all of this, thank you for listening and hopefully understanding. Yeah, I know I should go out and form real relationships, and I'm slowly taking steps towards making that change. But for right now, I just want to be able to regain just that little sliver of what brings light into my life.
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

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hi im sorry that your illness is affecting you so badly
you are very welcome here I hope you find this place useful
love Fairy Lu xxxx
 
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AllOutLife

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hi im sorry that your illness is affecting you so badly
you are very welcome here I hope you find this place useful
love Fairy Lu xxxx
Thank you so much for that lovely reply. Honestly, just getting that out helped a lot. OCD is a constant ongoing battle, but just being able to have that brutally honest, emotional dump on here took a weight off my shoulders. The situation is still not ideal (it won't be unless my intrusive thoughts are gone completely), but having that release made me able to function much better at my job today which was also taking a bit of a hit due to my OCD and depression. I was even able to think back on my beloved fictional characters and feel some of that joy again. I'm by no means declaring victory, but it did help to just get that out in a place where I feel that people "get it."
 
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possiblebpd

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hi I understand what your going through. :) I think you need professional help. Pleasssssseeeeeeeeeee get help! It was the best thing I ever did, I'm now out of a similar place you are in and living a great life, please. get. help.
 
A

AllOutLife

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hi I understand what your going through. :) I think you need professional help. Pleasssssseeeeeeeeeee get help! It was the best thing I ever did, I'm now out of a similar place you are in and living a great life, please. get. help.
Thank you very much for your reply as well. I have been seeing professionals and have taken medication that's supposed to help, but if I'm still having episodes like that then maybe I should reconsider my stance on some of the harder medications I've had suggested to me. I'm actually in a better place since I had the episode which led me to post to this forum. I'm absolutely by no means ideal in any sense, but better. I remembered some techniques my therapist taught me a few years ago in regards to managing intrusive thoughts and that helped a lot. I've heard mental illness being compared to being in an abusive relationship, like, you feel so much shame for your torment like it's your fault. I think this might be my wake up call to face that shame and maybe be more open about the specific nature of my intrusive thoughts with those trained and qualified to help. Thank you again for your kind reply and your concern. If nothing else, it really does give me a glimmer of hope to hear someone who suffered as I have tell me that this can be overcome and that a great life is still achievable.
 
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