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OCD, panic attacks, extreme anxiety and depression.

J

johannesg

Member
Joined
Nov 17, 2019
Messages
14
Location
Brazil
Hi, this is my first post, sorry if it seems like I'm rushing my way into the forums, I'm just really scared and don't know what else to do, I would really appreciate any kind of help or just experiences shared. Also after posting I'll be reading this forum section to read other people experiences.

First of all. I'm Johannes and I'm 33 years old.
Back in may 2017 I had a really bad depression with panic and severe anxiety attacks, the trigger was silly, but I believe it was because I was already at the edge of it.

I sought treatment with a professional psychiatrist who prescribed me escitalopram and wellbutrin, and then also said I could have ADHD and prescribed ritalin which lead me to extreme panic attacks and suicide attempt.

I had changed my psychiatrist after this episode and she prescribed me fluvoxamine, alprazolam and pregabalin. I took them for a year, about June 2018 my family had debts and I decided I should stop taking cause it was being expensive and I was feeling better from the anxiety.

My mistake was that I stopped abruptly and well I dont know what was the effect of it exactly. But a month after I started to avoid the cats, my father and my sister. (I live with my parents and I'm unemployed and obese).

Started feeling afraid of touching surfaces and slowly the OCD took control. First I stopped leaving bedroom except for bathroom. My mom had to bring ne food. Then I stopped touching anything outside bedroom and soon anything inside as well, my showers began to take 2 hours as I needed to wash the floor the walls the shampoo bottle, even the soap, I remember using 3 soap bars per shower and basically wash hair 3 times and same for body, after shower my mom had to clean the way out with alcohol (kind of like sanitizer used here) and then open my bedroom door (since there are 3 bathrooms only me use this one , but its out of my bedroom anyway) and then she had to close the doors.

Once inside bedroom had to clean myself with alcohol on body hands, and half liter to clean my computer desk, keyboard and mouse and I wouldnt touch anything else. Also had to alcohol my chair, I would then sleep 12 hours or more per day because fear of being awake and having to deal with it all. I couldnt put any food plate over my desk without cleaning after eith alcohol, people couldnt pass close to me, if someone passed in the corridors had to wait 10 minutes to go to bathroom, only my mom could pass that I wouldnt mind. And yeah every time I had to bathroom mom had to open doors for me. Everytime before going to bed had to rub alcohol in my feet too, also cant have people talking near me without protecting their mouths wjth hands or cloths.

With time I managed to make some symptoms less severe but I just cant get over the remaining ones and thinking about them scare me a lot and leave me panicked and anxious, really anxious.

The symptoms are:

Afraid of the animals in the house pass close to me when I go to bathroom.
Afraid that my father passes the corridor when I'm going to or leaving bathroom and feel stuck inside it. Or having to shower cause I feel infected by him. (Never had any good relationship with my father)
Afraid of someone entering my bedroom and touching anythung or talking
Afraid of anyone talking near me without mouth protected
Afraid of leaving home, as well outside seems like a sea of chaotic germs


Basically I feel like my fears of contamination are highly emotional linked also since I only allow my mom near me and yet she has to keep a hand in front of her mouth to talk with me. I always been bullied since childhood and have low self esteem and feel useless as I've never worked or had friends at this age, but I've been bullied since I was 5, in home, streets and school until I decided to hide away. But this germs infection ocd only developed at 2018 and eating my soul really badly, I want it to stop I wanna stop being afraid of people's saliva or passing by, I needed to go to dentist also but I can hardly go to bathroom wjth supervision (mom taking care for no animal or father passing near while I'm there.
I still take long showers but I reduced the 2 hours showers to 25 minutes at least.

My biggest fear is basically that I will never overcome this: having someone talking near or in front of me without their mouths covered, and people passing by near me (I imagine like if they had a trail of germs behind them specially on the floor, but basically in the air too) also overcoming gesr of touching my cat again which misses me and jve been ignoring him for more than a year (he has been with me for 12 years)

Also I'm afraid to leave home and cleaning myself is so hard due to being obese and having severe body pain in my back, legs, feet, arms, neck and other problems like urethra infection, which makes cleaning anything 59 times harder and slower, and more tiring

How would I be able to see doctors to prescribe me antibiotics or even any anti depressant to help with OCD and panic attacks since I just cant leave home or talk with anyone physically without freaking out and scream fearfully?
 
hicks

hicks

Well-known member
Joined
May 14, 2019
Messages
1,503
Location
A galaxy, far far away..
Hi and welcome. You are not alone. Your behaviours are similar to my daughter, who is 17 and has chronic OCD based around contamination and health concerns.
So I know exactly how this can consume hours of the day, and makes you a virtual prisoner in your own home.
Typically my daughter will get up and spend 3 hours getting washed and dressed. We don't see her most days until the afternoon. Sometimes she doesn't get out of bed until midday, and then the whole day is gone. Because as soon as she gets downstairs, it's mid afternoon. Bedtime is similar time for washing etc. Going to the toilet is particularly time consuming. If she doesn't go into the bathroom until 9:30pm, I know it's going to be midnight before we can hope to get to bed.

Our daughter is good academically, and has a bright future in terms of qualifications. But all this has been put on hold, and she has lost all motivation and drive. We've put absolutely no expectations on her, and currently the main focus is to try and stabilise her mental state.

She's seeing a therapist/counsellor, but takes no medication, as she absolutely refuses to take any drugs. The counselling sessions do lift her, but of course that's just 1 hour a week, and as parents we are not qualified psycho-therapists, so quite often we can't find the right words to soothe her anxieties. We are trapped in a cycle of time consuming OCD routines. And when this goes on until the early hours of the morning, you can see how sleep deprivation becomes a serious issue.

Sorry I don't have any answers to this as we are also struggling through and trying to find ways to cope, but I hope the shared experience might help you in some way.
 
J

johannesg

Member
Joined
Nov 17, 2019
Messages
14
Location
Brazil
I Understand how this can also be really shattering for parents, I see my mother's reactions and tiredness and I feel really bad for putting her into my situation, my father tries to understand but he is quite hard to deal with and is naturally stubborn and ignorant and doesnt believe much in mental conditions.

All I can think of is, as you being her parents show your support daily, everyone living in the house must show support and make her feel loved, one of my biggest fears and feeling of being trapped comes from my father behavior, which if he was a different person could help me a lot. I believe that OCD has a lot of emotional connection with us, like our emotions and stress influenciates the anxiety and the responses to it (compulsions) a lot.

Wish the best for your family and daughter and that she can recover from it and live the life she wants.
 
E

EstherRose94

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
2,030
Location
USA
Hi Johannes!

I think if it’s possible to gradually start your meds again you should. And maybe you can do online therapy from home? You might be able to call your previous doc and just get a new prescription sent to the pharmacy or even to your house unless a family member can get it. Drugs are powerful. It sounds like you switched and had several different ones in a short time and then quit cold turkey. You’re not like crazy or something, your brain and body are probably just experiencing some imbalances from stopping the meds abruptly. I quit my single low dose antidepressant by weaning off and lasted like two weeks before I felt like I had the flu and had also become a bit paranoid. So I started them again. I didn’t think it’d affect me so much but it definitely can.

so far as your rituals it’s really good you’ve improved some of them! I think that once you find some tools to calm/ self soothe you’ll ultimately have to expose yourself to your fears and see that everything is okay. I wouldn’t like rush into it but once you feel a little more stable. Like see the cat for five minutes or have your mom talk to you without protecting her mouth. You have to reteach yourself that nothing bad would happen. And then your fears would go away over time.

you can have a therapist teach you how to do this at the right pace and how to keep calm while you do it.
 
J

johannesg

Member
Joined
Nov 17, 2019
Messages
14
Location
Brazil
Hi Johannes!

I think if it’s possible to gradually start your meds again you should. And maybe you can do online therapy from home? You might be able to call your previous doc and just get a new prescription sent to the pharmacy or even to your house unless a family member can get it. Drugs are powerful. It sounds like you switched and had several different ones in a short time and then quit cold turkey. You’re not like crazy or something, your brain and body are probably just experiencing some imbalances from stopping the meds abruptly. I quit my single low dose antidepressant by weaning off and lasted like two weeks before I felt like I had the flu and had also become a bit paranoid. So I started them again. I didn’t think it’d affect me so much but it definitely can.

so far as your rituals it’s really good you’ve improved some of them! I think that once you find some tools to calm/ self soothe you’ll ultimately have to expose yourself to your fears and see that everything is okay. I wouldn’t like rush into it but once you feel a little more stable. Like see the cat for five minutes or have your mom talk to you without protecting her mouth. You have to reteach yourself that nothing bad would happen. And then your fears would go away over time.

you can have a therapist teach you how to do this at the right pace and how to keep calm while you do it.
I'm so afraid to take these medications again, because when I was taking I had so many side effects, I couldn't sleep anymore even with medications for sleeping like ketamine or rivotril I wasn't being able to sleep well, and always had a feeling of rush in my heart, I was more aggressive towards people and everything I did, I was impatient with everything (my nature always been very calm and patient), my eating disorder became worse, I couldn't eat anything decent anymore other than sweet stuff, and I couldn't even drink coffee anymore, I really wanted a way out without having to resort for medications.
 
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EstherRose94

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Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
2,030
Location
USA
Well to be honest it also seems like you were prescribed a bunch of strong stuff at once. I mean i know that sometimes a couple of meds need to be prescribed together but if a doctor puts you on everything then how do they even know what’s working and what’s not. I don’t know I would talk to your GP about all of the things you’ve tried and when and how they effected you and ask for help taking time to find what will work for you.

meds aren’t the total answer but if you do need them it’s kind of like unreasonable to expect you to just figure out how to get better on your own. I still think therapy would help you a bunch too because you want to not have to avoid the things that scare you but I also think it’d be kindest to yourself to learn how to not be as scared before you start venturing out.
 
J

johannesg

Member
Joined
Nov 17, 2019
Messages
14
Location
Brazil
I understand, but I have fear of leaving home due to being bullied for obesity for 10 years back in school

Anyway today I woke up with my back completely frozen of pain and had to use bathroom and shower fast without a single careful or washing rituals, because physical pain spoke higher... now I'm afraid that bad habits will be back as usual or that I may feel discomfort a few hours after when I'm alone with myself I may start questioning everything I touched and didnt clean and trace backwards and you know... anxiety, but for now I'm pretty calm and want to stop fighting
 
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EstherRose94

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Mar 2, 2019
Messages
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Location
USA
On the other hand you can see that nothing awful happened so maybe you can try to do your routines less

I hope your back feels better though that’s awful
 
E

EstherRose94

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Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
2,030
Location
USA
Don’t be so hard on yourself either. You’re very bright. You understand how OCD works in terms of others problems. Apply that insight to yourself as well. Yes you could start panicking about germs now but ... what if you don’t? That would be a huge victory. And even if you have started panicking already you can still get through it try to calm yourself and distract yourself.
 
J

johannesg

Member
Joined
Nov 17, 2019
Messages
14
Location
Brazil
That's a really good answer, very supportive and encouraging, thank you.

I studied so many sleepless nights about ocd and germs, I'm aware how our body and the air is so filled with them that these rituals are kind of helpless in the end, I'm aware how irrationally I'm always acting and I end blaming myself for my behavior, which of course stresses me much more which leads to anxiety

Still it's always comforting to get some ideas from people who also knows about it
 
J

johannesg

Member
Joined
Nov 17, 2019
Messages
14
Location
Brazil
Hi, I thought I was getting better, but now I have a horrible back pain and had a panic attack be cause thoughts, feeling trapped and useless in life and my father just yells at me to shut up leaving me way more anxious and angry, I just feel like I never wanted to be born, I feel like in a cage without a place to go, my ocd just became worse due to feeling angry [hence disgusted]
 
J

johannesg

Member
Joined
Nov 17, 2019
Messages
14
Location
Brazil
after a few hours thinking I've come to the conclusion I let my frustration come into my way too often and I have to stop giving up too easy on things
 
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