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OCD, overanalysis and paralysis

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dice3510

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Joined
Aug 21, 2011
Messages
45
I've written about this before, but I want to go into more detail now.

I was diagnosed with OCD and even spent a month in a mental hospital last year. Anyhow, the last three months I've been completely paralyzed by a vicious cycle of thinking I can't escape. I am not sure if this is OCD-induced or not, and I need a third party to tell me. I also need advice on what I should do. I've written about this before but I'll go into more detail now.

It's relevant to note that I am in a very awful life situation right now, and, this is necessary to point out because I am paralyzed to the extent I can't even set a goal towards which I need to work towards. You will understand why as you read this.

Personal and not very thorough philosophical study I did led to me to the conclusion that morality is relative. This conclusion led to contemplate how far I'd be willing to break traditional social norms if it were in my interest (murder and cruelty both came to mind). One of the way torturous thoughts manifest themselves is in the form of accusing me that my conclusion concerning morality was merely a product of my desire to live the way I wanted, and not a result of any rational inquiry into the matter. I can't decide on what is the case. I am not even sure anymore on what the nature of morality is. At one point I've decided I will just stop thinking about these issues and accept societal views on morality.

This is one major problem I have: any thought, idea, opinion I've had, that I might feel guilt for now, and that I will talk about below, I am uncertain as to whether I believed them because I thought it was rational or I desired it to be true. If it's because I thought they were rational, then there's no reason to feel guilt.

Now, roughly at the time I had these contemplations on moral matters, I discovered the seduction community (pick-up artistry) on the internet, and, in particular, this blogger called "Roissy", who advocates some very morally questionable ways to attract women. Emulating the "dark triad" traits. In essence, being an arrogant jerk. This is what the community refers to as an "alpha male". The alpha male, as defined by these guys, believes himself inherently superior to others, and is sufficiently self-absorbed and cruel he's willing, if it serves his purpose, to cruelly rip on anyone for their weaknesses and insecurities.

To what extent I actually adopted this alpha male philosophy (in theory, I definitely did not put it into practice), to what extent I thought it was justifiable to break societal norms - like disrespecting everyone and everything in an effort to become an arrogant alpha male jerk, to what extent I was willing to disregard traditional views on morality for my self-interest, I am not sure. My memory is just too vague. But the worst case scenario, which my mind accuses me is true sometimes would look like this: I wanted to live the life being a self-centered, snobbish, arrogant, superficial, prick. However, the moment I realized I was powerless, that I was unimpressive in terms of my genetic potential, that I need other people's help to succeed in life, I began to rely on traditional values like love and fellowship in order to live, contrary to my previous decision that morality is non-existent and irrelevant. Have you watched the South Park episode with Ginger Kids? This kind of reminds me of Cartman's conversion at the end of the episode when he begins singing about love and friendship after nearly committing a genocide.

I mentioned above a possible realization of mine that I was "unimpressive in terms of genetic potential"; another accusation my mind makes is that I over-inflated my own worth (maybe I thought I was better-looking or more intelligent than I actually was), which is why I even contemplated to start viewing people in terms of hierarchies (personally, however, I think there's strong basis to think that this is hogwash; I was highly insecure about myself at the time I thought about these issues).

I definitely no longer care about any of that 'alpha male' stuff and just want to live a normal life. So, let's say, for example, I want to be an engineer. This is a goal I want to set for myself. From the "alpha male jerk" paradigm I described above, an engineer is someone inherently inferior to himself, someone worthy of condescension (should this serve the jerk's purpose). Any goal I can possibly conceive except perfection, or nigh-perfection, in everything (which is impossible) falls into this category (since only someone perfect, or virtually perfect, meaning possessing no weaknesses or insecurities can never be condescended for anything). So, unless I can achieve absolute perfection, I am worthy of condescension. If I want to think otherwise, I am being hypocritical, because that is that the "alpha male jerk" paradigm I contemplated adopting dictates. And the only reason I dropped it, I am accused, is because it doesn't serve my self-interest anymore, since I've realized I am not strong enough to be an arrogant jerk. I am literally incapable of even making a first step towards fixing my life.

(the content of this last paragraph, the necessity of being nigh-perfect, doesn't even reflect anything any of the pick-up artist blogs I've read claim, this is just something I convinced myself was the case, presumably due to my perfectionism, OCD, and tendency towards overanalysis).

While it is obvious that a person can and should change their mind once they realize they were wrong, I'm not sure if this is the case with me, and my mind accuses me that my 'change of mind' is hypocrisy resulting from the fact the worldview I contemplated adopting - one of the world being an amoral, sexual conquest arena where the only thing that matters is an acquisition and exercise of power - was unfavorable to me, presumably because I am, myself, weak and powerless, and need other people's love, tolerance and acceptance in order to live. If, for example, I was wealthy, my mind accuses, I might have thought differently.

What should I do? It this even OCD? I have no trouble dismissing OCD thoughts once I can establish for sure that they are OCD-induced. So, help. I realize this all probably looks absurd from the average person's perspective, but it's hell for me. I am not exaggerating when I say that I've been completely paralyzed for the last three months by this.
 
angry butterfly

angry butterfly

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Joined
Jun 5, 2011
Messages
2,595
Location
surrey
hi there dice3510, welcome to the forum.
yes i would say ocd is definately involved here. sounds like you are anxious about your identity, about who you are and who you would like to be and you are trying to work things out in minute detail.
are you receiving any therapy? i was wondering also if you have ever been diagnosed with aspergers syndrome.
i think you'll find most people dont think about or choose their social status, it comes about for a variety of reasons. if you are finding that you have a compulsion to keep thinking of all this and trying to work it all out then that would the ocd aspect of it. the actual content of it though i think is of you trying to find yourself.
hope that all makes sense, and helps in some way.
 
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dice3510

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 21, 2011
Messages
45
hi there dice3510, welcome to the forum.
yes i would say ocd is definately involved here. sounds like you are anxious about your identity, about who you are and who you would like to be and you are trying to work things out in minute detail.
So do you have advice on what I should do? All I want is this paralysis to stop. But as I've explained, I can't even make a single step towards action, because of the reasons I outlined in my opening post.

are you receiving any therapy? i was wondering also if you have ever been diagnosed with aspergers syndrome.
I've been having hypnotherapy lately, although I haven't discussed much of the things I mentioned here. And no, I wasn't diagnosed with Asperger's. Why would you think that? Because of my contemplation to disregard social norms? I note that this only occurred in my thought.

i think you'll find most people dont think about or choose their social status, it comes about for a variety of reasons. if you are finding that you have a compulsion to keep thinking of all this and trying to work it all out then that would the ocd aspect of it. the actual content of it though i think is of you trying to find yourself.
hope that all makes sense, and helps in some way.
Yes, thank you.
 
angry butterfly

angry butterfly

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 5, 2011
Messages
2,595
Location
surrey
dice3510, i hope you did'nt mind me asking if you had aspergers, and that i have'nt given you something to worry about. im not a health professional but i just wondered.
i think it might be worthwhile being tested for it though. i think there are people who have a very mild form and often are never diagnosed with it.
wishing you well.
 
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dice3510

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 21, 2011
Messages
45
Here is a shortened, simplified, with some irrelevant details left out/edited, version of this same question I posted on Yahoo answers under the title "OCD, narcissism, and guilt".


I'm mostly only interested in answering the question posed in the last paragraph.

"Please do not offer me advice about OCD in general. I need you to address this particular case. I definitely do have OCD, but I am not entirely certain whether this problem is a product of it.

Before I say anything, let me say that the 'narcissism' parts of this post are very embarrassing to me, and that's why I have to point this out right off the bat. This whole problem could very likely be OCD-induced in its entirety. It is quite possibly the case I never had any delusions of grandeur I will mention below (in fact, there is very good reason to think this, I was highly insecure throughout most of my life), and that OCD just accuses me of that to make me feel guilt. But address the question as though this paragraph does not exist. Its purpose is just that I don't feel very embarrassed from the commentators.

So, onto the question.

I held a delusional belief, or at least my OCD-influenced my mind tells me that I did, that I was better than other people. In essence, my mind accuses me, I over-inflated my own worth (perhaps I thought I was better looking and more intelligent than I am). As a consequence I began to consider whether people in varying positions on this hierarchy of 'worth' should be treated with different degrees of dignity, and since I allegedly saw myself at the top, am I thereby in a position where I am essentially free to treat anyone however I feel like - good or bad. I note I never actually did anything wrong, I just thought about it. The answer to that last question, I'm unable to say whether I ever said 'yes' or 'no', but let's go with 'yes' for the sake of argument.

Later, I realized once and for all that, no, I'm definitely not better than other people. However, in light of the belief I previously held (or maybe that's just OCD speaking) - that some people are worth more than others, and that they reserve the right to treat those beneath them in an ill manner, am I being hypocritical to now, because it serves me well, adopt a philosophy of egalitarianism? If not, am I doomed to live my life having to consider some people inherently superior to myself, allow them to mistreat me as much as they like, and always believe myself unworthy of respect?
That kind of life seems unimaginable."
 
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