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OCD or not?

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Dinaaa

Member
Joined
Jan 8, 2015
Messages
8
Hi, I have been diagnosed with OCD for a little while. My OCD mostly centred around intrusive thoughts of harming other people and being a paedophile. I received treatment and things got a lot better OCD wise but I do have other mental health problems and they seemed to get worse as the OCD got better.

I have always thought about suicide a lot. I'd see it everywhere but it didn't seem to cause me distress. I think of plans in my head and it was like I was trying to convince myself to carry them out and I never once even considered it to be intrusive thoughts because it felt completely different. When I suffered from intrusive thoughts of harming other people, I tried to convince myself I was not going to do it to ease my anxiety whereas with this it was like thinking about doing it provided me with comfort. Like I say there was never a doubt in me that this wasn't actual suicidal ideation and was instead intrusive suicidal thoughts.

Until I was about to get help. I never doubted that I could seriously hurt myself until I decided enough was enough and that I was going to be honest about what I was struggling with and ask for help. That was when all the doubt came flooding in. I thought, 'What if this isn't suicidal thoughts but it's actually intrusive thoughts but they treat it as suicidal thoughts and get me help but then me getting that help and taking up time and resources that I don't really need leads to someone who really does need it not getting and then they die and it will be all my fault'.

So I now it's almost like I'm trying to convince myself that I am suicidal and that's ridiculous because of course no one would choose to feel that way but its like I do. When I'm arguing with myself about this sometimes I think, 'Just do it, don't get help, follow through with the plans and then you won't have to be sure' but part of me wants to get help and be better but I keep worrying about me reaching out will lead to someone else's suffering.

I'm 85% sure this is not OCD because I indulge in the thoughts and dont try to get rid of it like you usually do with ocd and i have a history of self harming.

I just wanted to be sure before I kick up a fuss

I'm sorry if it's a bit of a gloomy post, I'm just needing somewhere to turn.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,531
Location
The West Country
The thing is, whether this is an OCD intrusive-thought type of suicidal thoughts or something else, I don't think you would be asking for help would lead "to someone who really does need it not getting and then they die and it will be all my fault".

The resources are there to help people, and you saying you're struggling in this way is not going to take up anything that someone else needs.
I don't think you'd be kicking up a fuss by telling someone about this - not at all.
It sounds like it's really making you miserable and affecting your quality of life, so please do speak to whatever professionals are working with you at the moment.:hug:
 
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Dinaaa

Member
Joined
Jan 8, 2015
Messages
8
Thanks for reply, I'm finding things really difficult right now and your support and advice was much needed! I'm going back to see my old therapist on Friday to talk things through with him, he knows me well and will probably be able to sort things through with me. Thanks again!
 
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