OCD is taking over my life =(

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silverandblack5

New member
Joined
Aug 26, 2010
Messages
2
#1
*This is long, but it's all important. So please read it.*

I guess I have "religious" OCD. Well religion was the ORIGIN, but not the current issue. I was raised a Lutheran Christian. I attended church on a weekly basis up until about the age of 12. So in other words, I had a lot of terrifying ideas in my head.

Then I turned 13, and my religious views changed due to the fact that I had serious issues with my life. I went from the all honors classes, straight A student, to slowly failing. I dropped out of high school after my sophomore year. It broke my heart, but my reputation at my school was incredibly bad, mainly because of my attendance and grades, not to mention the fact that I was a compulsive liar (my way of trying to avoid the situations I was in). The bottom line is that I was a failure and didn't have much hope for myself. I got to the point where I had a bottle of pills in my hand. But I didn't give up. A month into the same summer I dropped out, I decided to change my life. I enrolled in a nearby town's adult education night school program. It was the best decision I ever made. I was MYSELF again. The classes were, by no means, difficult. But with that said, the bottom line is that they were classes, and since I was only going to school for two hours a night, it was incredibly less stressful. That made it so much easier to learn, believe it or not. Rather than sitting scared in my room memorizing hundreds of words/pages/formulas in order to survive school, I was clear-minded and open to learning. I actually had the ability to learn, not just to have facts stuck in my head for a couple of days until I forgot them. I would say I learned more this past year than I have in my life.

But there was a problem that began. I've had ADD, anxiety, depression, and mild OCD since I was in kindergarten. As time continued in this new school, my OCD worsened. I don't know why, but it did. I think it was because my mind was much more clear than originally, so my mind had the ability to ninja my brain. How it started is irrelevant though. All that matters is that it did, and it began to control me. There were a few main things that I noticed about the patterns in which it came about. It got increasingly worse when I was:

- Stressed
- Angry
- Trying hard to concentrate
- Thinking about it

I went on with my life and tried to ignore it. For the most part, I got away with it. However, it has affected me for sure. My obsession is constantly looking up in the air, as if praying to a God. That's not what it's about anymore, but like I said, that's the origin of it all. What would happen is that I would be in class, looking up, and then suddenly would be asked a question by the teacher only to have no idea what she was saying...all because of the OCD. It's not like this was happening on a daily basis, but it did happen enough so that it made me upset. Lately, being summer, it's affected my leisure activities. Playing guitar, videogames, writing, reading, etc. Videogames have been the worst I think, because I play a few competitive games. I play Call of Duty, first and for most, and that's about as stressful as games get. In case you don't know, Call of Duty is a multiplayer game where you basically play on teams and try to eliminate the other team (in a nutshell). Getting killed is annoying to anybody, but ESPECIALLY me. Not that I take it personally, or even actually care, but the frustration/stress automatically falls right into my OCD. And once the OCD kicks in...BOOM. I lose total focus on the game. I am looking up so I don't see some guy sniping. I am looking up, so I don't see the grenade indicator, etc. And I know "it's just a game". I totally agree with that statement. But people take the game very seriously, and that makes me feel pressured to do good. And I truly do know that it's my OCD that gives me those matches where I do horrendous. We all have our bad games, but when my OCD kicks in, I begin to fail. It happens to me too frequently, and as much as I really don't care because it's just a game, just knowing that my OCD is the cause makes me so upset. This causes me to rage-quit a lot (quit games in the middle due to frustration). So when I quit, I get really mad and upset. Quitting the game early automatically counts as a loss to your stats. And today, I saw my wins/loss ratio, and it's the worst among my friends, and I know it's because I rage-quit.

What I am trying to get at by talking about Call of Duty is that OCD affects me way too much, and I can't even enjoy life because of it. I even want to read a book (NOT like me), but I can't do it. I got "Under the Dome" by Stephen King, but I haven't read past the first page, because I end up giving up and in tears. It is taking over my life, and I need advice. I am a good person, and having these kinds of things happen is upsetting.
 
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Gillian

Member
Joined
Aug 2, 2010
Messages
5
#2
Have you been to see a specialist to talk this over? I can put you in touch with someone who maybe able to help you with this. It sounds like your in a vicious circle and you need help to get out of it. Message me.
 
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silverandblack5

New member
Joined
Aug 26, 2010
Messages
2
#3
Well I see a therapist, but there's other stuff I need too address with her right now. This would be a last in terms of my priorities.
 
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SarahLund

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 6, 2010
Messages
91
Location
Stockton on Tees, Cleveland, Teeside, United Kingd
#4
It's as if you're feeling you haven't met your own expectations. Do you always put so much pressure on yourself? It seems like you're constantly wanting to feel good enough. I may be wrong. Firstly, relax. lol. You're tearing yourself apart, dude.
 
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darkmind

Member
Joined
Nov 16, 2010
Messages
7
#5
Euh.. I know how you feel about the call of duty thing... I get my ass whooped allot on there, are you playing online or just with friends at home? most of the people who play call of duty and are really really good at play that game way too much and thats pretty much all they do. Don't be upset if your not doing at that game, it will take years to get perfect at that game. OCD really really sucks I know because I have it. I have obsessive thoughts of people watching my every move and intrusive thoughts. Deffinitly don't beat yourself up about the CoD game like Sarah said, that game is full of obsessive players and can be hard for people with OCD. Best thing thats help me is to work yourself physicaly till your so tired you can think then you can relax. Wokrking out, pushup stuff like. Also find someone who knows alot about OCD who you can talk to. Thats about all I can offer for I am still stuggling with the same thing... I hope you figure it out:hug:
 

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