- May 15, 2019
Hi everyone. So many years ago, when I was dating my husband I was a party girl. I used to do reckless things and I did cheat on my then-boyfriend. There was a time in our relationship when I told myself I wasn’t going to do it anymore and I needed to fix myself and be a better girlfriend. So I behaved and I was happy. Months past by and my boyfriend and I were great. It had been about 5 months since I’d done anything I shouldn’t have done and my boyfriend and I found out we were expecting. I came clean because I felt like he should know I messed up in the past but it wasn’t an issue anymore and never would be again. I know I made a mistake so please don’t judge me. I was going and dumb! But I was very grateful that I didn’t put myself in a position of getting pregnant while sleeping around.... that would have been messy. My boyfriend (now husband) and I obviously decided to continue our relationship and this was never an issue again. We have a whole new life and are now expecting our third child together. A year ago I started to feel like my life was perfect... and guess what? One day I’m looking at our family photos like wow my little family is so cute and I’m so happy... then I noticed that my daughter and son have different hair color and out of absolutely nowhere I thought to myself “what if my oldest has a different dad?” I was like okay... that’s dumb... but the thought wouldn’t go away. I knew there was no way this could be true but I couldn’t find any proof. So for the past year, on and off, I’ve been trying to push this thought out of my head but there are days I literally obsess over this.... like today. I know it’s not true, it doesn’t make sense for it to be true, my daughter looks like my husband, I never would’ve kept a lie like this, my my mind likes to convince me that I’m lying to myself and maybe I did do this and convinced myself otherwise. There was a text between my best friend at the time and I and I remember telling her how long it had been since I’d done something sexual with the guy I cheated with.... I obviously don’t have those messages anymore so I have no proof of when the last time I did anything with anyone other than my husband was and I have thought about it so much that I don’t even know what’s what anymore. I’ve always had a great memory and I’ve been able to remember all details but about this certain situation, I can’t. I always stress over what if she isn’t my husband’s? How would she feel? How would he feel? Did I ruin my perfect family? I even looked at this guys Instagram profile just to make sure my daughter doesn’t look like him and she doesn’t (obviously), but I somehow have convinced myself that maybe she does. So then I fight myself over whether I should get a paternity test.... but that’s expensive. Also, it’s not 100%, it’s like 99.999% so I know I’ll convince myself that I’m the 0.001% and even if it says my husband is the dad, my results will be wrong. Then I tell myself I’m just looking for excuses to not find out the truth.... but I really don’t want to spend money just to feed this obsession. I double check due date calculators continuously because I have my first ultrasound photo and also my proof of pregnancy that states my supposed due date based on my last period years ago... and it doesn’t make sense for my daughter to belong to anyone but my husband... but then I tell myself that maybe I’ve blurred out the last time I cheated and I actually did put myself in that situation. I feel like I’ll never know the truth and I hate this guilty feeling. I can’t tell my husband bc then it’ll put thoughts in his head that maybe I lied... but I didn’t! I know the truth... it’s like my brain fights me about it. I hate that I did this to myself and of course I regret cheating bc then I wouldn’t be here (even if it was years ago). I’ve had this false memory/ocd thing with other things and usually I get over it by telling myself “okay.. even if it was true and I did do this horrible thing, does it really matter?” And the answer is always no. But my brain has found itself a situation that I would never be okay with.. so I don’t know how I can talk myself out of this one.. any advice would be great.