- Jan 3, 2020
Hello everyone, I just turned 18 and had no problems and an excellent mind state and life (the latter I still have, but not for long) until maybe 6 months ago (the age I hear a lot of this kind of stuff starts up)where I slowly began to "monitor" very arbitrary things like balancing out muscle use on each side of body, fixing hair 25 times each time it seemed out of place, walking specific number of steps to places, blink x amount of times etc. This compulsivity and intrusiveness is ramping up exponentially week by week and any time my attentions brought to something "toggleable" (flex/unflex muscle, scratch neck/dont scratch, use left arm/right arm etc) I instantly generate anxiety over how I am doing it and the specific pattern im using and it quickly takes mental space to the point where I could walk in front of a bus and not notice. This has particularly damaged my well-being because I am fully aware, from observing others who are focused and grounded in the real world, just how much truly valuable thoughts and experiences I am glossing over in favor of a completely arbitrary mental pursuit that gives me so much anxiety and no fulfillment, even when I do "complete" the mental fixation, it usually instantly starts right over but worse. Many times I have been told something significant or emotionally charged that I either have no reaction to or sometimes don't hear at all because my entire self is focused on monitoring my state and exactly where and what every part of my body is doing. This is so torturous to me because I am productive and hardworking and I cant enjoy so many things I earned for myself up to this point, because my entire psyche is anxiously fixated on a body part or something stupid. I had an entire getaway vacation I can honestly say I didn't enjoy too much solely because of this mental anguish. I've meditated alot, and taken milk thistle daily but its absolutely going downhill and getting worse over time. Does any one of you have any personal experience or advice to share on what to do to reverse this state when you're experiencing this decline?