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Obssessive need to control [ASPD]

  • Thread starter DislikeLearningLatin
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New member
Jan 1, 2020
Hello everyone. I am diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder and was diagnosed with Conduct Disorder when I was a teen. First of all I want to apologize for my English, it's not my first language but I hope you'll understand what I'm trying to say.
I'm in a relationship for more than 6 years. My girlfriend has BPD. I can't really describe my feelings towards her. I won't say I love her in traditional sense, because I admitted to myself that I'm probably not capable of such feelings. I see her as my favourite person that I'm comfortable with, and I wouldn't have any interest in having another relationship if we ever break up. Well, our relationship is rough, toxic even at times. But you probably guessed it, since BPD and ASPD don't match well.
Now to the point. I have a need to control her life and her relationships. She's a very pretty girl, very warm and caring (she pretends to be this way towards people, but she doesn't care about them and this inability to care makes her very frustrated). Men fall in love with her in an instant. Almost every boy she befriends will confess to her sooner or later. It pisses me off so much. I have no doubts about her loyalty. She wouldn't casually cheat on me, since she sees sex as useless activity. She also knows that nobody will be able to stand her for a longer period of time (after she stops being this walking perfection and reveals her true self). She also knows that she won't be able to stand anyone to the point of having relationship with them. She sees me as the only person who truly cares and is capable of understanding and loving her. What frustrates me so much? All this people. The fact that she spends time with them, the fact that she laughs with them, that she's so friendly with them, that they even interact with her. Yesterday she asked her buddy to come over to tutor her for her exams, so I stayed in the other room. I heard them talking, laughing and all that stuff. I can't describe this feeling. I felt so hot inside, like I was about to explode, my hands shaking. When I get angry and frustrated I shred some tears. All I could think of is me harming this dude. Like if I had a chance I wouldn't hesitate.
It happens everytime, not only with him. What adds to my frustration is that those people always bring problems to her. One of them tried to rape her, other one made her life very problematic (gossips) and hurt her feelings pretty bad, this one proclaimed himself her "friend" and left her when she needed him. I guess I can see how people really are, and her
naivety makes me angry. At this point I'm conflicted. I want this guy out of her life but I also want him to hurt her, so she learns her lesson.
Is it jealousy? Probably. I can't stand these people's arrogance... to think that they can best me? That they can take what is mine away from me? That they can be so close to her? Think that they know her even one bit? That they think they even matter?
All these feelings make me so exhausted though. I waste so much energy. I want to stop this need to control, but I don't know how. Is it even possible?


Well-known member
Jan 5, 2011
For what its worth, I think you need to hold on to this relationship if you can as it brings you happiness and she seems to understand that too. Your jealousy does need work though. It will destroy your relationship sooner rather than later. She can be treated for her BPD with DBT which is dialectical behavioural therapy which is excellent. As you are from Poland I doubt its available there but I could be wrong. You can get many good books on it from Amazon. I hope you can help her.

Your diagnoses are serious and you seem to be well adjusted despite them. Is there any therapy near you that can help with this? Couples therapy that can help you both with your problems? It might be an idea to look into that.