Obsessive Thoughts, Marijuana Use, etc: Here's why I joined this forum

K

kelso99

New member
Joined
Nov 28, 2018
Messages
1
Hi guys,

I just wanted to take a minute to introduce myself. I just joined this forum after years of reading comments on and off.

I'm joining because I realize that I need help and I'm hoping someone here will be able to give me tips/advice on how to get past whatever it is that I'm going through.

I'm a pretty normal person other than the fact that starting at the age of like 12, I would get these obsessive, worrying thoughts that consumed me and wouldn't go away. They weren't like normal worrying thoughts--they were irrational, repetitive, on a loop, and they were devastating and debilitating.

I worried about so many crazy things, but mostly they centered around what people think of me, or how they might think about me if I acted a certain way.

I dealt with these thoughts for a long while, up until the age of 20, when one worrying thought caused me to flat-out panic about the way I was speaking. There was this kid in one of my college classes who had a lisp, and he sounded like he might be gay. There is nothing wrong with being gay, and I support gay rights and all of that, but at the time, as a 20-year-old kid trying desperately to fit in in college, where I was commuting and didn't have any friends (because I had been scared to live there with people I didn't know), it was unacceptable to me for anyone to think I was. The culture in this country was very homophobic at the time, and I worried that if I spoke that way, even once, people would judge me and think of me that way.

Immediately, I felt my tongue in my mouth go into a defense mechanism mode. I became instantly aware of where it was. I was trying as hard as I could to not sound a certain way, but focusing on it only made the problem worse.

From that day on, I spent years (most of my 20's) worrying every single day about the way I sounded, how I was speaking, and what was going on in my mouth.

Distracting myself with work seemed to help a little. So did drinking alcohol, and I did a lot of that (as many kids do in their 20's), as an attempt to self-medicate. Still, the problem really only went away when, desperate for a solution, I tried marijuana.

I started smoking about four years ago.

It was great at first. It made me immediately more mellow and calm about the problem, and I started to realize that it was stupid, and all in my head. It also made me focus on a million other things, which was a huge relief. For a minute, I felt like I had my life back, and that I was finally going to be OK.

The problem is that as I kept using it, I started to get some pretty awful side effects. I would get crazy, paranoid thoughts. I'd have bouts of severe social anxiety. I also felt like I was getting dumber, which was a huge problem, because I was a talented writer with big things ahead of me and just at the beginning of my career.

I quit using marijuana, and my paranoia and social anxiety started to fade, and I started to feel sharper and quicker-witted again. My writing has improved, and I have a great job at a place I've always wanted to work.

But of course, once I quit, the obsession with how I sound started to come back again.

I'm hoping someone can relate to me in some way, and give me advice on how I can fix this problem.

I should mention that before all of this worrying about how I sound started, I wanted to be on TV as a sports reporter. I had a funny show on a local cable station, and people really thought that I was talented.

I went to school for broadcast journalism, but I switched to writing when all of this happened. I'd love to be able to do both.

Right now, my biggest problem is that while the obsession has faded somewhat, I'm still doing this defense-mechanism thing with my mouth, and I can't stop. It's become a habit that I just can't seem to kick.

I want to know: Does it sound like I have OCD? What is the issue, exactly? And how can I cope with it?

Any help anybody can give me would be greatly appreciated!
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 4, 2013
Messages
9,385
Location
England
Hi,
Sorry we can't diagnose you on a forum, as we're not trained to do so.
Please see a dr if your worried.
Hope you succeed with your career, good luck.
Well done for stopping the drugs.
Take care
 
C

crystalclear

New member
Joined
Mar 8, 2017
Messages
1
My advice is don't get hung up on a diagnosis
 

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