- Nov 12, 2014
Today is a very emotional day for me, I have been crying quite a bit over thoughts of how I am. What I want to ask here is if anyone is going through or has overcome what I believe I am going through. Today was my first day with my consoler. I told him what I had and he believes it can be treated without medication(for some reason I am against medication and the pain i'm going through is really tough). Last night I tried to sleep but managed to get none what so ever. So basically from what I have observed I am plagued by both intrusive and obsessive thoughts. Today even when I was running they still drag me down I feel trapped in my own mind. I make efforts to challenge every single one of them for example, the thought of never coming out of this comes into my mind, I challenge it and say "yes I will I just have to keep going, time will heal it" I don't get the feel good reassurance feeling when I tell myself that. Then I get some crazy thoughts like "do I even want to get better?" when obviously I do look at all these efforts I make but why must I have so much doubt and uncertainty. It's like I am my own worst enemy and don't want to help myself out even though i'm trying things to help myself feel better. I'm exercising, making efforts to eat better and now just started meditating. Perhaps the worst is suicide intrusive thoughts I can't quit, I can't kill myself, I must go on I'm not sure where I find the strength but I do. I challenge every single suicidal thought that comes to mind but it brings terrible feeling that starts in my stomach. How could I have ever lived so free and now at the age of 20 been brought down by whatever this may be. Has anyone been through this, please I am begging for help. I love you all and If I come out of this some day I will give back to those who need it. Love Dillon.