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Obsessive fiaxtion on therapist

Z

Zweasel

Active member
Joined
Nov 5, 2018
Messages
26
Hi, I'm new here and I thought I might try giving this forum a shot; I hold everybody at a distance and as such I have nobody in the real world to talk to about this, so I thought I would try here for like-minded people. I hope others can perhaps relate without judgement.

I'm 20 something yo female and I've had lots of therapy for OCD and social anxiety. I have never had much luck with therapy until my most recent therapist. I finally trusted her enough to bring up that I believed I had BPD. She immediately agreed and said looking back through our sessions I had said many things that aligned with that. This is all positive treatment-wise, and this therapist is the only one I've ever felt safe with.

This is also the problem. She has been so good that I've let her in far more than I have any other person. As mentioned, I usually keep emotional distance from everybody. But I didn't with her, and now I am deep in the midst of an obsessive kind of fixation with her. BPD as a diagnosis is new to me, but I think that this kind of emotional obsession is common in BPD? For me, in any case, this has happened with various women throughout my life, when I feel I am 'seen' by them.

We have since finished therapy because we reached the max number of sessions and I am not in a good way over this. I can't stop thinking about her or planning ways to bump into her. I've done things I'm not proud of - found out where she lives. I am able to not take this past that point (I have too much respect for her to initiate any unwanted contact at least) but I am not proud of my actions. I can't stop, though. It's consuming me and driving me mad. I feel as though I love her, but rationally it is clear that isn't possible, I think that it's a reaction to feeling as though someone finally cared/was listening.

Has anyone been through similar? Does anyone have any advice to get through this? I know I need to stop, but I constantly indulge my obsession and look for her online, find excuses to go near her house etc. I realise how this sounds; that's why I've turned here in the hope of some advice. Any insight from people who may have experienced this kind of thing would be so welcome. Also does this sound like something that might be caused by BPD? I am still exploring which of my behaviours is influenced by this. Thank you very much all.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 4, 2013
Messages
10,189
Location
England
Hi,
Welcome to the forum
I'm sorry this is happening to you, you have a strong attachment. That can happen with therapy.
You know yourself you need to stop googling her etc, and visiting her home.
We are here to listen and support, hope you'll be okay.
Take care
 
Z

Zweasel

Active member
Joined
Nov 5, 2018
Messages
26
Thank you Mayflower7, you're right, I know, but it is difficult! Thank you for your support.
 
B

BPD&twenties

Member
Joined
Nov 6, 2018
Messages
8
Hey,

I am so sorry to hear that you're going through this. Also, thank you for having the courage to share something so deeply personal to you.

Don't worry, I have been there. I had similar confusing feelings for my therapist too and felt devasted when therapy ended. It was an awful time for me and I felt ashamed. I felt like I needed her in my life.

It is like a grieving process almost. I am sorry that you have to go through this. What helped me was opening up and talking about how I felt to my new psychologist. She helped me understand that my feelings were normal.

You said that she was important and one of few people that you have let in. That is a major loss. So it is normal to miss her.

I hear you when you say you are worried about looking her up on google and thinking about ways to bump into her, I also hear you say that is as far as you will go because you have so much respect for her. That alone should give you comfort.

Also, time is the best healer. You will find it hurts a little less every day and soon the good days will be more often than the bad. It is hard right now, validate that sadness for yourself. But keep moving forward as better days are coming.

Wish you all the best

xox
 
Z

Zweasel

Active member
Joined
Nov 5, 2018
Messages
26
Hi BPD&twenties,

Thank you for your thoughtful and non judgemental response. It is definitely reassuring to know I'm not alone and that you have been through similar. It gives me hope that I will begin to feel normal again. It's great that you were able to open up to your new psychologist about your feelings! I think I will try that, but I dont know when it will be.

The way you describe it as grieving and a major loss is definitely validating for me. I hadn't thought of it like that really. I guess that as much as my feelings of love etc aren't 'real', is it real that I have lost that support from my life, so I can allow myself to grieve for that.

Your response really meant a lot to me so thank you for taking the time to write that. I appreciate it so much!
 
B

BPD&twenties

Member
Joined
Nov 6, 2018
Messages
8
Hi,

No problem, I am glad it has given you some comfort.

xox
 
T

TheBoyWithAWanderingMind

Active member
Joined
May 12, 2019
Messages
37
Location
USA
Hi, I'm new here and I thought I might try giving this forum a shot; I hold everybody at a distance and as such I have nobody in the real world to talk to about this, so I thought I would try here for like-minded people. I hope others can perhaps relate without judgement.

I'm 20 something yo female and I've had lots of therapy for OCD and social anxiety. I have never had much luck with therapy until my most recent therapist. I finally trusted her enough to bring up that I believed I had BPD. She immediately agreed and said looking back through our sessions I had said many things that aligned with that. This is all positive treatment-wise, and this therapist is the only one I've ever felt safe with.

This is also the problem. She has been so good that I've let her in far more than I have any other person. As mentioned, I usually keep emotional distance from everybody. But I didn't with her, and now I am deep in the midst of an obsessive kind of fixation with her. BPD as a diagnosis is new to me, but I think that this kind of emotional obsession is common in BPD? For me, in any case, this has happened with various women throughout my life, when I feel I am 'seen' by them.

We have since finished therapy because we reached the max number of sessions and I am not in a good way over this. I can't stop thinking about her or planning ways to bump into her. I've done things I'm not proud of - found out where she lives. I am able to not take this past that point (I have too much respect for her to initiate any unwanted contact at least) but I am not proud of my actions. I can't stop, though. It's consuming me and driving me mad. I feel as though I love her, but rationally it is clear that isn't possible, I think that it's a reaction to feeling as though someone finally cared/was listening.

Has anyone been through similar? Does anyone have any advice to get through this? I know I need to stop, but I constantly indulge my obsession and look for her online, find excuses to go near her house etc. I realise how this sounds; that's why I've turned here in the hope of some advice. Any insight from people who may have experienced this kind of thing would be so welcome. Also does this sound like something that might be caused by BPD? I am still exploring which of my behaviours is influenced by this. Thank you very much all.

Hello!

Thank you very much for sharing your experience!

From what you've described, it sounds to me like you're struggling with a very strong attachment to your therapist. She's been so wonderful, so helpful and so understanding of you and these are qualities, I reckon, you've never experience in someone close to you before?

Have you considered making another appointment with her and talking to her about your feelings towards her and how she's helped you? I know it sounds crazy scary...but I'm wondering if it will actually help for you to tell her about the impact that she's made on you, open up about your thoughts/feelings towards her and see if this is therapeutic to your anxiousness and OCD. Clearly you trust her, so, it may not be as scary as it sounds. Either that, or you could make an appointment with an entirely different therapist to discuss this matter.

Hope this helps!
 
S

so sad

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 24, 2016
Messages
126
Hi

When I read your post I could relate to every single element.

I had an amazing psychotherapist about 10 years ago. She said at the start that normally things can be sorted in 10 sessions. I knew immediately that I wouldn't be and more or less from the start I knew that she understood me and that made me feel safe.
I saw her for 2.5 years. The ending was awful. I'd spent most of that time not being able to cry in front of her then spent the last 5 sessions in tears because I was losing her. The others are right -its grief. Its so hard to find someone that you connect with and like you said, who sees you. I'm gay and I had to really think on what my feelings were, was I in love with her or what she represented in my life. I did work out that I wasn't in love but the strength of feeling was overwhelming.
I know its a cliché but time does help. I went back after a year to see her. I was in a much better place and I needed her to see that. I chose the timing carefully, if I'd had been the slightest bit vulnerable I could have spiralled back into being obsessed with her.
I still look for her on line and I still drive past her house every now again - just to know she is still 'there'.
It does get better and easier but give yourself time. Will you be seeking another therapist?

I'm currently seeing a DBT therapist and although I'm not as obsessed this time, my 12 months with her is up in July and I'm already freaking out.

I think it must be normal for these kind of relationships. We give so much of ourselves and if they treat us in an understanding and caring manner then its normal to feel that sense of belonging etc.

Please keep talking on here if it helps

x
 
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