Obsessive after rejection - I don't understand my feelings

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C

CrazyExBoyfriend

Member
Joined
May 5, 2019
Messages
8
Location
London
#1
Hi there.

I’m 33 from London & have just been (tentatively) diagnosed with BPD after over 20 years of various mental health problems. I say tentatively because it was suggested to me by my GP recently, and I’ve been referred to a psychiatrist for a couple of week’s time for a proper assessment. Even so, I’ve done a lot of research on the condition, and I’m like a walking textbook.

I hate to be another person making their first post a cry for help; I want to be able to support other people too, but right now I’m struggling so badly.

I need some help in talking myself down from some serious anguish, which doesn’t make any sense to me. I’m not in treatment yet so I don’t know what tools people use when they feel like this. It’s bad.

There are dozens of really serious things going on right now. In November my partner of 9 years left me suddenly, overnight, a week before we were due to move into the home I’d bought for the both of us (my mother died a few years back, which enabled me to buy. I can’t sell it because of conditions in the will). I guess he got sick of me, though he never explained. He’d been supporting me as I hadn’t been able to work for a while (a combo of lack of opportunities, ptsd and anxiety symptoms). I’ve been living here alone since, though can’t afford to run it myself & have enormous debts and no income. I have no other family apart from my father and sister, who I see maybe once a year (I dread it) and who recently threatened to disown me if I didn't fix my mental health issues.

My long term ex came back into my life pretty soon after leaving, saying he’s made a mistake, but I can’t trust him. I want to love him but (as devastated as I was for months) I don’t feel much of anything anymore; just anxiety for the money I owe, guilt for having to take handouts from him while I look for work (my bills are huge and I’ve gone days without eating since I maxed out my credit cards ) etc. He keeps trying to comfort me but I feel worse and worse. I hate that I have to rely on him for everything and see him if I want to eat etc. He's a lovely guy and he's trying, but I feel dead inside lately. I'm screwed up enough that it could all change in a day, of course.

I started casually dating a very sweet younger guy around Christmas; he's on a working holiday visa from Canada. My ex knows about him but also that it isn’t/wasn't too serious (it wasn’t). He’s younger, idealistic (annoyingly so) and very sweet. I felt a lot of affection for him but knew it would never really work between us (for all sorts of reasons). We had a lot of fun, though, which I needed at the time. I didn’t see him for a while when I went through a serious depressive patch. We reconnected recently & had a great time.

Almost immediately afterwards, he started becoming cold and distant in our messages, and when I suggested meeting again, said he didn’t want to date anyone at the moment, so would rather see me as a friend... But was too busy to name a time.

Initially I responded in an understanding, compassionate way. I said that self care is important blah blah blah & asked if he wanted to do something as friends soon, but he was standoffish and cold. After a little social media sleuthing it was obvious that he’s been dating someone else... someone more like him... idealistic, a little vapid, my age but with money to spend on him (he never paid for anything while we were together). He's like a walking self help book the way he spews out motivational, inspirational quotes about love & living in the moment etc... He's said some lovely things to me but I suddenly realise that it's all bullshit and he didn't mean any of it.

I felt like I’d been run over by a truck, and I don’t know why. Immediately, I had a hot coal burning a hole in my stomach, I couldn’t eat, sleep or even move much at all. All I could do was think about him & alternately how much I craved his affection and how angry I was... it didn’t go away AT ALL, even after a sensible amount of time, and made no sense... I was kind to him when we were together (with the exception of cutting him out during my depression month- I’m not excusing that but I explained and apologised profusely) but I knew he wasn’t right for me, and was quite dismissive in the way I thought about him. Suddenly he feels like the most important thing in the world to me. He said so many lovely things to me when I wasn’t well, even if I wasn’t able to read the messages until later.

What made it worse was that I realised from his social accounts, this relationship had started before he came back & we slept together, and has continued since. Was he just checking that he really didn’t want everything I was before he committed to this new guy? What did I do wrong? I'm 33 but I feel 13.

After 2 weeks of full on suicidal anguish, dealing with very violent thoughts of self harm and self hatred (which made NO sense to me- I KNOW I shouldn’t care about this guy!!) I had one day (today) where I started to feel nearly OK; or at least I was only worried about my real problems & the obsessive thoughts and hot coal had dissipated. We’re due to have a coffee to discuss things on Tuesday & I was feeling OK about saying goodbye (perhaps letting him know his behaviour wasn’t OK) and letting go.

Then I looked at one of his accounts, and saw that he’s out with that guy right at that moment,having a wonderful time in a fancy, expensive bar. I maxed out my last card taking him to that sort of place when I could, but now it's all gone he's moved on to someone else.

Immediately it all flooded back. It’s a real, physical pain, and I can hardly move. I feel paralysed. The thoughts are back and I don’t know why or why I care. I want to hold him & have him tell me I matter, even though 2 months ago I could only handle him in small doses as I felt HE was too clingy. I want to stalk him, to make him guilty, to have any contact at all with him (I haven't done anything too weird though, before you worry).

I’ve read that this kind of response is not uncommon with BPD sufferers but what no one has explained yet is what to do about it- to ease these feelings.

I have only a small amount of Valium (I’m a suicide risk after all) and I’m so volatile that I’ll likely need it for something more than this before I can get more.

Does anyone have any advice?

I KNOW that this is a stupid, honest to god PETTY problem to have- I know that. I'm so ashamed to feel this way. I have real problems too, but this is consuming me & I don’t know why. The pain is real and I want to cut it out of me as I’m sure it doesn’t belong there... I’m an intelligent person; I shouldn’t feel like this.

I’m sorry.

Thank you for reading, if you got this far. If not, I don’t blame you.
 
G

Girl interupted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
1,040
#2
Stay off social media.

Go to a food bank. There is no shame in this. We have all been there.

Start eliminating complicated relationships from your life. You are not currently equipped to deal with them.

Go to social services and sign up for therapy.

Do these things and you will start to feel stronger.

Invest in you right now and push away everything else.

If you are in crisis, go to an emergency room. They are there to help.
 
C

CrazyExBoyfriend

Member
Joined
May 5, 2019
Messages
8
Location
London
#3
Stay off social media.

Go to a food bank. There is no shame in this. We have all been there.

Start eliminating complicated relationships from your life. You are not currently equipped to deal with them.

Go to social services and sign up for therapy.

Do these things and you will start to feel stronger.

Invest in you right now and push away everything else.

If you are in crisis, go to an emergency room. They are there to help.

Thank you for replying. I’m holding out on my psych referral in 2 weeks time; I’ll make it to then somehow, and hopefully will get some appropriate treatment/therapy out of it.

You’re absolutely right about social media... I desperately wish now that I’d stayed away (given that that was the trigger). I need a distraction to stay away; it’s hard to find one but I’m going to look.
 
D

dewey

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
693
#4
Thank you for replying. I’m holding out on my psych referral in 2 weeks time; I’ll make it to then somehow, and hopefully will get some appropriate treatment/therapy out of it.

You’re absolutely right about social media... I desperately wish now that I’d stayed away (given that that was the trigger). I need a distraction to stay away; it’s hard to find one but I’m going to look.
Un-download the social media apps from your phone. Then when you go to look they won't be there. Or better still deactivate your accounts completely.

Feelings in intimate relationships are weird, for practically everyone. On one hand you knew you didn't want anything too serious from this guy, on the other you feel frustrated that he's been seeing someone else. On one level he could be trying to prove to himself that the ball was in his court by having two guys on the go - maybe he felt put aside when you were depressed (not justified at all, but he probably has his own issues) so tried to re-claim control by seeing more than one person at once. When he does that he has 'options' so he feels more in control.
Perhaps he sensed you weren't serious about him, that your relationship wasn't serious, and maybe (just guessing) this dented his ego/self esteem somewhat.
At the end of the day, you knew it wasn't a serious thing, we human beings are petty in that even if someone isn't 100% right for us, we can still get so frustrated when they don't show us the attention we want. We've all been there.
Don't beat yourself up too much about all this stuff. I think as time passes you will come to see this as a passing phase, life is messy, we have these messy bits, unfortunately.
And as you say, you had a lot of enjoyable moments out of it, which is certainly better than being alone.
The fact you have had a strong period of depression means that there is stuff going on for you, and something transforming you right now, which in a way is bigger than all this other stuff, and perhaps shows this isn't the best moment to dive into any relationship.
I agree with above advice, you need to focus on yourself more than others. Getting yourself therapy, medications could also help, getting yourself food from a food bank, and getting yourself into work, and finding some kind of distraction as you rightly say.
Don't be too hard on yourself, and accept that you are having some strong emotions right now you need to deal with and process. You need to time to heal and I'm sure you're strong enough to make it happen..... well there is a superficial idealistic quote if ever there was one ;) but seriously, you can make it happen! We're here for you. Keep going. Look out for yourself.
 
C

CrazyExBoyfriend

Member
Joined
May 5, 2019
Messages
8
Location
London
#5
Not superficial at all (I’m sorry if anyone was offended by that comment- I was just angry at the guy and his insincerity; I’m all for a good quote/slogan!)

It’s a slow process but I’m starting to get better.

Staying off social media (at least the channels that trigger me) has really been helping. I’m back on meds as well.

Thank you for talking me down & for your compassion; Much more than I deserve.
 
T

TheBoyWithAWanderingMind

Active member
Joined
May 12, 2019
Messages
34
Location
USA
#6
Hi there.

I’m 33 from London & have just been (tentatively) diagnosed with BPD after over 20 years of various mental health problems. I say tentatively because it was suggested to me by my GP recently, and I’ve been referred to a psychiatrist for a couple of week’s time for a proper assessment. Even so, I’ve done a lot of research on the condition, and I’m like a walking textbook.

I hate to be another person making their first post a cry for help; I want to be able to support other people too, but right now I’m struggling so badly.

I need some help in talking myself down from some serious anguish, which doesn’t make any sense to me. I’m not in treatment yet so I don’t know what tools people use when they feel like this. It’s bad.

There are dozens of really serious things going on right now. In November my partner of 9 years left me suddenly, overnight, a week before we were due to move into the home I’d bought for the both of us (my mother died a few years back, which enabled me to buy. I can’t sell it because of conditions in the will). I guess he got sick of me, though he never explained. He’d been supporting me as I hadn’t been able to work for a while (a combo of lack of opportunities, ptsd and anxiety symptoms). I’ve been living here alone since, though can’t afford to run it myself & have enormous debts and no income. I have no other family apart from my father and sister, who I see maybe once a year (I dread it) and who recently threatened to disown me if I didn't fix my mental health issues.

My long term ex came back into my life pretty soon after leaving, saying he’s made a mistake, but I can’t trust him. I want to love him but (as devastated as I was for months) I don’t feel much of anything anymore; just anxiety for the money I owe, guilt for having to take handouts from him while I look for work (my bills are huge and I’ve gone days without eating since I maxed out my credit cards ) etc. He keeps trying to comfort me but I feel worse and worse. I hate that I have to rely on him for everything and see him if I want to eat etc. He's a lovely guy and he's trying, but I feel dead inside lately. I'm screwed up enough that it could all change in a day, of course.

I started casually dating a very sweet younger guy around Christmas; he's on a working holiday visa from Canada. My ex knows about him but also that it isn’t/wasn't too serious (it wasn’t). He’s younger, idealistic (annoyingly so) and very sweet. I felt a lot of affection for him but knew it would never really work between us (for all sorts of reasons). We had a lot of fun, though, which I needed at the time. I didn’t see him for a while when I went through a serious depressive patch. We reconnected recently & had a great time.

Almost immediately afterwards, he started becoming cold and distant in our messages, and when I suggested meeting again, said he didn’t want to date anyone at the moment, so would rather see me as a friend... But was too busy to name a time.

Initially I responded in an understanding, compassionate way. I said that self care is important blah blah blah & asked if he wanted to do something as friends soon, but he was standoffish and cold. After a little social media sleuthing it was obvious that he’s been dating someone else... someone more like him... idealistic, a little vapid, my age but with money to spend on him (he never paid for anything while we were together). He's like a walking self help book the way he spews out motivational, inspirational quotes about love & living in the moment etc... He's said some lovely things to me but I suddenly realise that it's all bullshit and he didn't mean any of it.

I felt like I’d been run over by a truck, and I don’t know why. Immediately, I had a hot coal burning a hole in my stomach, I couldn’t eat, sleep or even move much at all. All I could do was think about him & alternately how much I craved his affection and how angry I was... it didn’t go away AT ALL, even after a sensible amount of time, and made no sense... I was kind to him when we were together (with the exception of cutting him out during my depression month- I’m not excusing that but I explained and apologised profusely) but I knew he wasn’t right for me, and was quite dismissive in the way I thought about him. Suddenly he feels like the most important thing in the world to me. He said so many lovely things to me when I wasn’t well, even if I wasn’t able to read the messages until later.

What made it worse was that I realised from his social accounts, this relationship had started before he came back & we slept together, and has continued since. Was he just checking that he really didn’t want everything I was before he committed to this new guy? What did I do wrong? I'm 33 but I feel 13.

After 2 weeks of full on suicidal anguish, dealing with very violent thoughts of self harm and self hatred (which made NO sense to me- I KNOW I shouldn’t care about this guy!!) I had one day (today) where I started to feel nearly OK; or at least I was only worried about my real problems & the obsessive thoughts and hot coal had dissipated. We’re due to have a coffee to discuss things on Tuesday & I was feeling OK about saying goodbye (perhaps letting him know his behaviour wasn’t OK) and letting go.

Then I looked at one of his accounts, and saw that he’s out with that guy right at that moment,having a wonderful time in a fancy, expensive bar. I maxed out my last card taking him to that sort of place when I could, but now it's all gone he's moved on to someone else.

Immediately it all flooded back. It’s a real, physical pain, and I can hardly move. I feel paralysed. The thoughts are back and I don’t know why or why I care. I want to hold him & have him tell me I matter, even though 2 months ago I could only handle him in small doses as I felt HE was too clingy. I want to stalk him, to make him guilty, to have any contact at all with him (I haven't done anything too weird though, before you worry).

I’ve read that this kind of response is not uncommon with BPD sufferers but what no one has explained yet is what to do about it- to ease these feelings.

I have only a small amount of Valium (I’m a suicide risk after all) and I’m so volatile that I’ll likely need it for something more than this before I can get more.

Does anyone have any advice?

I KNOW that this is a stupid, honest to god PETTY problem to have- I know that. I'm so ashamed to feel this way. I have real problems too, but this is consuming me & I don’t know why. The pain is real and I want to cut it out of me as I’m sure it doesn’t belong there... I’m an intelligent person; I shouldn’t feel like this.

I’m sorry.

Thank you for reading, if you got this far. If not, I don’t blame you.

I relate a lot to you here. My boyfriend of almost two years has just expressed to me that he "needs time" away from our relationship in order to cope with two tragedies that have recently befallen his family within the past five days or so. He advised that he has felt no emotion toward the tragedies, no emotion toward those who are grieving and no emotion toward me last Friday night when we were out. This alarmed me and up until the time that he expressed this to me, he had kept me at arm's length for an entire day, taking hours to return my texts, giving short answers and abstaining from terms of endearment and saying 'I love you'. I was aware that he had a lot on his mind but his sudden shift in communication from him, with no explanation, really threw me off. I had no idea what to think, especially since things were fine the night before. I repeatedly read through our texts, checked the amount of time that would pass between our responses, etc. I was both a mental and emotional wreck that night. I had no appetite and laid awake into early morning hours, tossing and turning, my mind racing and my stomach coiling. Eventually, I was able to get to sleep but that didn't last.

My mind has been burdened with fear that he'll lose his interest in me during our 'break' and I can't stop reading reading his texts and analyzing everything that he told me about needing time away. I've cried a lot, too. It's awful. I try to keep steady thoughts by reminding myself of the facts - that he hasn't necessarily broken up with me, but has just requested some space to deal with everything going on. He's not upset with me, just dealing with a lot of stress-inducing family business. He specifically stated that he didn't want me to feel that I couldn't text him and I appreciate that. However, I'm going to respect his wish for space and I'm not going to bother him. It's incredibly hard when a partner says that they "need a break" but it's only right to give them what they wish out of respect for them. This has all been very stressful for me but I have to admit that it's relieving to know that he has requested this time apart for the purpose of coping with family matters, rather than because he has an issue with me and our relationship.
 

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