Obsession with a Hate Website

[Aperture]

Hello,

This is my first post here and probably won't be my last, but basically I've just needed somewhere to vent and get this stuff off my chest. It's worth noting that I've been diagnosed with OCD and Aspergers, something worth taking into account while reading this post.

So what is my problem? Well, it's quite a complex one really. Basically there exists this message board out there, as hateful and nasty as can ever be. I won't mention the name as I don't want to give it any more existing attention than it deserves, but the content of this website is somewhat sickening to the average person. Frequent use of racial slurs, mockery of tragedies like child deaths, and a bunch of other stuff I don't care to mention. Now, anyone else would take one look at this site, click off it in disgust and move on with their lives. With me however, it's a different story. Practically every day I find myself getting the urge to look at this website every day, seeing the vile string of posts that have recently been made. The urge to do this messes up my ability to enjoy the things in life that make me happy. No matter how much I try to think of something else, the compulsion is there, eating away at my brain. And usually I will just look it up in order to make the urges stop, but this will often make me feel worse because of the stuff I've just read.

And believe me, I've tried things. I've tried blocking the site on both my computers using Cold Turkey blocker, but I always manage to find another way around it, whenever it's looking at the site on my PlayStation's web browser or simply looking up the results of recent threads on Google search (the thread titles on this site are bad enough). At one point, it got so bad that I even ended up trying to dox a member of the site who had posted identifiable information about himself, that I was able to narrow his identity down using record websites.

It's frustrating as hell for me, because a part of my brain is constantly asking "why do you care so much?", and even I can't really answer that question. All that I know is that it won't go away and it's making my life miserable. Things are bad enough right now with the pandemic (I've had to postpone my studies for a year because of it), but this just exacerbates things further. And it's nothing new either, I've had these kinds of issues for YEARS, but there has been periods where I've been able to control it more. Right now with what's been going on however, it's at a worse state than it's probably ever been.

Now I don't expect any sympathy because looking at this forum, what I'm going through is hardly unique to me. I'm just trying to make some sense behind these urges, or at least get some advice from like-minded people or any experts who (presumably) browse this forum. I've bottled it up for too long now and it's at the point where I simply need to be more open with it.

 

[jajingna]

Sounds like a place for troubled and immature people. Not to say you are one of those. Could it be you have a fascination with grotesque content or hateful opinions, or something like that? Maybe an interest in what drives people to be so nasty? Or it disgusts you and makes you anxious, and this has somehow become an OCD thing?

 

[Aperture]

Sounds like a place for troubled and immature people. Not to say you are one of those. Could it be you have a fascination with grotesque content or hateful opinions, or something like that? Maybe an interest in what drives people to be so nasty? Or it disgusts you and makes you anxious, and this has somehow become an OCD thing?

This could be the most likely answer. However, that makes me question it even more. Why would I want to look at something that disgusts me and makes me miserable? Like I said before, I think I do it as a way of making the constant urges go away for a bit.

 

[Miho]

Well I am in no way an expert. But if this could be the anwser then maybe its a way to feel something? Even if its disgust or makes you feel terrible. I am just thinking out loud though.

 

[JeanPierre]

I'm sorry you are struggling.
Sometimes it like a car wreck....you can't help but look.
It doesn't mean you like what you are seeing or reading in this case.
Give yourself a break. You deserve one. Welcome here!

 

[Aperture]

Well I am in no way an expert. But if this could be the anwser then maybe its a way to feel something? Even if its disgust or makes you feel terrible. I am just thinking out loud though.

I'm really not sure. I can happily say I don't seek out this stuff wanting to feel miserable. Like I said, it's more just a way of making the urges go away, but I may end up reading something that makes me feel even worse than before.

I'm sorry you are struggling.
Sometimes it like a car wreck....you can't help but look.
It doesn't mean you like what you are seeing or reading in this case.
Give yourself a break. You deserve one. Welcome here!

There are times when I want to give myself a break, but the compulsion is too overwealming. And thanks.

 

[Ladyfair]

That website should be taken down. I wonder if there is a way to get rid of it?

 

[NewStarter]

I'm really not sure. I can happily say I don't seek out this stuff wanting to feel miserable. Like I said, it's more just a way of making the urges go away, but I may end up reading something that makes me feel even worse than before.

There are times when I want to give myself a break, but the compulsion is too overwealming. And thanks.

Take a break. This is an addiction cycle. Imagine yourself in 3 months time with all of this negativaty out of your life. Your mind will be free to explore whatever it feels without being trapped. The feeling is very liberating.
Forums dont really help our compulsions. But we can manage our compulsions better, i think the same idea works for other addictions.
Lets say someone posts there which disturbs you, something inside may urge you to respond or to try to understand their viewpoint and counter it, but is it really worth it for you?

True fact is, if the internet was shut down for 3 months then many of us would have differernt outlooks and better mental health.

Heres something else. I usually have my xbox on all night to help me sleep. I watch youtube asmr whale noises or whatever. I switched it off because it was made a funny noise. My brain reacted to this, I instantly felt very disconnected and alone without youtube on.
This is a warning sign for me. It is a trap for your mind which can spiral downwards.

Stay safe

 

[itsmeagain]

Just occupy yourself with something else.

 

[midnightphoenix]

Can you block that site from every internet enabled thing you use?

 

[StillDepressed]

I tend to agree with Miho and JeanPierre. It appears to be you are fascinated and now addicted to the grotesque content you are viewing, but know better and scarily I understand that. I do question whether this is a form of mental self-harm, but first and foremost you are going to have to break the addiction to stop the urges. Good Luck

 

[Aperture]

That website should be taken down. I wonder if there is a way to get rid of it?

Nah. Tasteless it may be, as long as it doesn't violate the first amendment (since it's US-based) then it's free to spew all the venom it likes. The truth is however that there's vile and repulsive websites everywhere, that's just the nature of the internet. Another sick place I discovered was a pro-bestiality forum.

Take a break. This is an addiction cycle. Imagine yourself in 3 months time with all of this negativaty out of your life. Your mind will be free to explore whatever it feels without being trapped. The feeling is very liberating.

Forums dont really help our compulsions. But we can manage our compulsions better, i think the same idea works for other addictions.

Lets say someone posts there which disturbs you, something inside may urge you to respond or to try to understand their viewpoint and counter it, but is it really worth it for you?

True fact is, if the internet was shut down for 3 months then many of us would have differernt outlooks and better mental health.

Heres something else. I usually have my xbox on all night to help me sleep. I watch youtube asmr whale noises or whatever. I switched it off because it was made a funny noise. My brain reacted to this, I instantly felt very disconnected and alone without youtube on.
This is a warning sign for me. It is a trap for your mind which can spiral downwards.

Stay safe

I tend to agree with Miho and JeanPierre. It appears to be you are fascinated and now addicted to the grotesque content you are viewing, but know better and scarily I understand that. I do question whether this is a form of mental self-harm, but first and foremost you are going to have to break the addiction to stop the urges. Good Luck

Yep, I do think that's exactly what it is. I've allowed it to get to the point where it's become a nasty addiction that I'm struggling to get rid of because it's more or less become the norm. It's funny because about a year or so back, this place was barely on my mind. However, there has been times when I've become occupied with other negative obsessions.

One time I found myself going down the dark rabbit hole of Pizzagate/QAnon/NWO-esque conspiracies in which I had trouble dealing with the possibility it might all be real, until eventually enough I realised it was just a load of BS. Another one I had some time back was getting upset over people's negative opinions of a video game that I really like. However, the one I'm having now is worse than either of those.

Just occupy yourself with something else.

I'm trying right now. The problem is that the urges either negate my ability to enjoy something or just make me not want to do anything at all. Instead, I may just take a nap to take my mind off it. Often however, I will wake up feeling even worse.

Can you block that site from every internet enabled thing you use?

Probably, but I think I'm always going to find a way around it no matter what. The thing is however, it's not just about blocking it from access, but learning to just resist the temptation to search it up. It's a tough thing to do, but often I feel like I'm not trying hard enough.