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Obsession, love, fetishes, and guilt - please help?

J

justaguy

New member
Joined
Sep 15, 2015
Messages
1
I'm an 18 year old male in my freshman year of college and I have an issue that's been building itself up through different stages since the ninth grade. I'm posting about this issue a) because I feel I definitely need help and b) I want help making sense of my mind and why I might want some of the things I do. As such it will be a long post and I'm going to try to tell the whole story from the beginning. I hope there will be some patient readers who can help me.

When I was growing up I was homeschooled until 6th grade in a rather dysfunctional home. My parents were in a loveless marriage and were frequently fighting, my dad was without a doubt an angry alcoholic and my sister was bipolar (I don't know what the pc word for bipolar might be, but that's basically what she was diagnosed with). So when I went into school I was a bit antisocial and had few friends. The friends I did make I felt were always secretly against me - and they kind of were. I got bullied, people made fun of me, they thought I was weird.

I met a shy pretty girl named Brianna in the eighth grade who invited me, quite randomly to go to her house to make cookies one day. I'm sure she didn't expect me to follow through and actually go over to her house but I did, and even though she had already had a boyfriend for a year we started hanging out. She was an artistic, sensitive, very intelligent girl who deep down was really just a silly little kid - a lot like myself. I developed feelings for her and was afraid to tell her. She didn't know, and she talked a lot about her boyfriend to me. As a side note, apparently she used to cut herself when she was even younger still and I never really found out why.

In ninth grade, frustrated by my family and in particular my father, I started growing very bitter that Brianna didn't think of me the way I wanted. I thought her boyfriend was a schmuck too and I was jealous of him. Instead of telling this sweet little girl how I felt I started to pick a fight with her via text message, bombarding her with insults, telling her I wanted her to cry, saying she was a stupid bitch. That sort of thing. She wouldn't talk to me for a long time after that. Eventually we made up and I told her in a cute little love letter how I had always felt about her, I went over to her house for the first time in a long time and we held each other, I talked about kissing her.

But ultimately she wanted her already boyfriend...and I went off the rails all over again. This is how things went for a long time all through high school. I would feel guilt, apologize to her, ask to be friends, fall in love again, be denied, go psycho. Seems simple enough right? It gets darker. I developed a rather nasty sexual fetish where I crave to be basically enslaved by women and be ignored by them, be dished out pain by them, serve them obediently. Especially her. I ended up telling her about it and that I think tipped her over the edge.

Eventually my explosiveness and weirdness drove her away entirely, I kept coming around every now and again weighed down with guilt but she won't even talk to me. Her old boyfriend from 7th grade to 11th grade cheated on her, and she dumped him and ended up with someone who I admit I can't find a problem with. Her new boyfriend is a good guy and they seem happy together from what I've seen.

My problem has always been that I would feel immense guilt and want to apologize to her - go back to a time where we were friends and just little kids. But then I always have these sick fantasies about her controlling me that she isn't into at all.

I kept contacting her our senior year of high school just asking to talk about everything but she would never reply. I tried giving her a thoughtful gift and an apology poem but she's seen it all before and she just seemed even more distant after that. This past summer after highschool I went to army basic training, and now I've started my first semester of college. It's been a long time since I've thought of her, but its hard to forget her especially since my best friend (A hardcore workout partner of mine) is going to the same university as her and by coincidence basically is hanging out in the same clique as her. So he's told me about her, and he says he's heard her side of the story.

Apparently her and her family became terrified and at one point tried to report me to the police but never got a response. I never thought I had hurt her so deeply. I've been experimenting already with different substances in college and last night I had some "edibles" or marijuana baked goods, and took some hits on a bong. I laid in bed with my eyes closed listening to music and I kept having visions (seriously, not kidding - visions) of me and her all the way from eighth grade to now. And all day today I've just been horribly depressed think about her, everything I've done to her. I've also been having these sick fantasies that I just can't make go away.

My problem is I know I still need something, it's just impossible to move on. But I don't know what I want or what I need. I want her love, I want to be friends again, I want her to control me perversely, or none of the above? I see her pictures on facebook and she just gets more beautiful every year. She does still have the "new" boyfriend. The problem is I don't know what's going on in her head and I don't think she knows everything that's going on in mine either. But she would never agree to just sit down with me and talk things through. I know I'm past hurting her, I've changed a lot (The army broke me in good) but she doesn't know that.

I think I caused her an immense amount of emotional pain the same way I caused it to myself, and I think we could both benefit a lot by talking it through. But my friend says that by the way she was talking when he asked her that she sounded like she just wanted to "Leave it buried"

Help?
 
Nikita

Nikita

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jun 20, 2015
Messages
4,860
:welcome:justaguy

I know this girl has shaped your needs and desires in some strange ways but you have developed an unhealthy obssession with her and it stems from your primary relationships with your mother and father this obsession.You must accept she doesn't see it the same way you do and your confession of wanting to be controlled by her has frightened her more than you know, so you mustn't try and make contact.
Seek counselling, stop looking this girl up on facebook and try and let go.This book may help.
I know you think you have changed but I can tell you even if you have she is still not interested and is still frightened of you and if she and her family actually contacted the police they actually feared for her safety so now you can see she won't have ever seen you in any other light.You have a distorted image of her shaped by your need to have a woman control you and this I think is you wanting a woman to take care ,care for and love you in the way your mother never did.So you are not seeing this girl as she really is but through an idealized lens,to you she is your perfect match whereas in reality she isn't anything like you perceive her to be.the real person she is has nothing in common with you whereas you see things do fit between you but in reality you have spent very little time together and there is no bonding there on her part.
Obsessive Love: When It Hurts Too Much to Let Go: Amazon.co.uk: Susan Forward: 9780553381429: Books

I hope you can overcome this obsession and move on with your life.
Welcome to the forum,I hope you enjoy it and find it helpful!Nikitax
 
N

notrealname

Well-known member
Joined
May 4, 2009
Messages
766
It sounds to me like all of this is to do with how you feel about yourself. It sounds like you do not think you're good enough unless she says you are. I've found before that I spent years unable to get over someone even though we did not know each other anymore and the way I got relief was from time to time reminding myself that he and I are equal - he is not better than me and he cannot release me from hating myself by giving me his acceptance.

Once I'd figured out that it was all to do with my self esteem, I just reminded myself each time anything like this pops into my head: This is to do with your feeling ashamed, it's got nothing to do with that person/that thing at all, it's in your own mind so you can change it. Bringing the sense of control back to myself really helped.

I think you should seek professional treatment to help you raise your self esteem so this no longer bothers you.
 
J

Jakkfur

New member
Joined
Sep 16, 2015
Messages
3
In time, ur feelings will change. and you will move on. just keep your head up and hold on for the ride.
 
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