Thanks so much for your replies, it does help to know there are people out there when you are feeling alone.
I'm so lucky that I had a wonderful childhood and early-mid adulthood, which is why I suppose I want to go back. The worst times then were better than the best times now, if that makes sense! And it's not just rose-tinted spectacles, I really was a fortunate woman. Even then though, I "felt" things so deeply that it really hurt, whether it was good or bad and I often think I'm very mildly bi-polar but it's never been debilitating enough for me to get help for it.
Does anyone know if manic depression runs in families? Like I say, it's only a very mild form if I have it but my dad is the same and I'm wondering if my son could be the same. He's just been prescribed Prozac by his psychiatrist who feels that a return to olanzapine isn't necessary, but he needs something for his many anxieties.
There is only one thing I'd change in my life but that's from the past 10 years, and that is remarrying, which is where my poor son's problems started. I'm widowed now, and the experience of going through the death of an alcoholic has left its mark on both me and my son. Not pretty, not pleasant, and my son started self harming because of the guilt he felt in not having liked his step-dad much. No matter how much I told him that there was nothing wrong with him not liking my late husband, it changed nothing for him.
Sorry for waffling on, it's just so nice to be able to "speak" to people who can understand the living hell of the mind when it won't play ball.
Thanks again