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O, I have No one to love

AnnN

AnnN

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I'm in very bad situation. I have no love for male companion. Only I do in sexual way. But my strict moral values and my ego don't give me chanse and even for that. I think that no body loves me eather. I'm very sad. I live in small country where nothing is easy. Is not easy to be with someone it is like I have Prohibition from someone to love and be in loved.
I'm on ariprizol...
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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Welcome to the forums AnnN, I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

I haven't been in a relationship for close to 20 years so I know how you feel.

I had psychosis back in 2016 and feel it may be a barrier to any future relationship.

I'm also on Aripiprazole and I dread having to explain why to any potential partner.
 
AnnN

AnnN

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Macedonia
It's hard like I'm feeling like I'm very ugly. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to find partner. I'm mess. I'm not ugly at all but I think that am, in this several days
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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Being lonely has a way of making us feel ugly but often it's not the case. I don't feel that handsome at the moment, I'm looking a little mad and hairy but I usually get a shave and a hair cut in spring so that makes me feel better and takes about 10 years off the way I look.

I wish I had some ideas for you but I have none for myself either, I'm not very photogenic so dating apps are no good for me as they're usually very judgemental about looks.

Would a dating app or site work for you? I'm not sure how things are in Macedonia.
 
AnnN

AnnN

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I think that in me thare is no will for life. You know its hard when someone was loving you so much and for one minute everything has gone away.
It's like I can't do anything by my self. every one think that I have brake down for my split with my ex. But the main problem for me is that everyone I know don't let me to be myself. To do what I want. I don't get it the point of my fucking life.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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You're certainly not alone in thinking this way, a lot of people go through the same when they split up from a partner.

We sometimes give so much to our loved ones we forget about ourselves and when a break up happens we're left without any direction in life.

May I ask if you have a job, hobbies or interests? Sometimes work or play can make us feel better.

Perhaps I'm lying to myself because I've been single so long but I always thought I need to define myself as an individual first before I can be a couple with someone. Maybe it's too late for me and I've been single for too long and couldn't function as a couple any more.
 
AnnN

AnnN

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Macedonia
Well I know what I want and what I am.
I want not to tell me the others what I should want and who do I need to love.
I have some work. Not hobbies. Nothing to smile for. Only my one self irony.
Its bad. It doesn't matter that my love life than was perfect in someone's else mind. I'm not chasing that love story. I only want not to tell me people what to do. I have so many years. I'm too old to do that to me.
I have had some mine plans and thay dont get in real life. But I don't blame the others for that. I blame for not let me do what I wantttt.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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I only want not to tell me people what to do.
What people if your life are trying to tell you what to do? And what are they telling you to do?

Sometimes our friends and family see things in a different way to ourselves, sometimes they're right and sometimes they're wrong, only you can decide for yourself as in the end your triumphs and mistakes are yours and yours alone.
I have had some mine plans and thay dont get in real life.
What sort of plans did you have for your future, and what is stopping you from achieving them?
 
AnnN

AnnN

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Well some bad influence.
I have very plans and it seems that the plans isn't very well for some folks near me.
I wanted, you know, my staff. To be alone away from that folks. Thay mistaken me with this illness. It's like some stupid dream where I must love the one man. And that dream isn't mine at all.
Everithing is not like it seems to be. I wanted to let me to do some staff.
I wanted to not love me a people who loved me... Difficult to.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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Thay mistaken me with this illness.
You're illness is just a small part of who you are, I wouldn't presume to tell you what to do but I won't let it define me as a person, I went 36 healthy years before I had psychosis so I've only been this way for 4 years and apart from some new ideas I have about life I'm still pretty much the same person I always was.

Schizophrenia doesn't always mean your dreams have to change. All we can do is try to follow those dreams the best we can and if they turn out to be mistakes then at least they belong to us and nobody else. Sometimes through mistakes and failure we learn the most about ourselves and then go on to succeed in ways we could never have imagined before.

Maybe I'll find a dream of my own I want to pursue one day, until then I just soldier on doing what makes me happy. I hope you can find what makes you happy.
 
AnnN

AnnN

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Well if I tell you realy what I meen for some parts of your post you will be mad at me.
Like, I don't like very much staff like, you should go after your dreams. We all are basicly aware of that.
The problem is that I'm very in the mood to do staff that some one don't want I to do.
I hate whan some wants to be perfect like Dall (puppet)., I hate environments where the man have power to woman. I can't fight with that I know. But I'm Trying. You know here nothing is like there in U K.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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I have no love for male companion. Only I do in sexual way.
If you just want to have sex with men but not get into a relationship I don't see a problem with that. In the UK and America a lot of people feel the same way, they like being single but still want sex when the need arises and there's even an app for that, I believe they call it 'Tinder'.

The only problem you might have is that you meet someone that you do want a long term relationship with and he doesn't feel the same way.
 
AnnN

AnnN

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And how I can achieve my goals when I'm ill. How can I do that. You think it's easy. With taking ariprizol (and than riset and zalasta some time ago) I'm 20 kilos up. You know what stress is that to me. I think I'm going ill only for that problem. For my kiloes. Not for some love that I doosent even like it. I only want to take some drink and nothing else. I only want some pretty staff for myself. I think it s more difficult when there are people like me witch don't want money and only want to calm down.
And to let me alone with who I want to be. I can't be with my own choise.
I think my life this 7 years is fucked uped. I always was thinking that when I will be more than 21 I would do what I want and wish. And at these moment I can't and got that reason I can't achieve my wishes.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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With taking ariprizol (and than riset and zalasta some time ago) I'm 20 kilos up.
I'm the same, I put on around 25 kilos myself thanks to a drug called Olanzapine and now I'm on Aripiprazole it hasn't gone up any further but it still won't go down. And the weight gain can effect your mental health on top of any illness you already had.
You think it's easy.
I know it's not easy living with conditions like ours and those around us don't often understand that.
I think it s more difficult when there are people like me witch don't want money and only want to calm down.
Money isn't something I'm interested in either, I'd give every penny I own to just live a normal life.

I wish there was something else I could say but I hope you can achieve your goals one day.
 
AnnN

AnnN

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Messages
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Location
Macedonia
And how I can even have a child. You think for that problem. Every man will take that child from me. Do you know my point. From one side I will must be good wife or on other side he will take my child.
Stupid stupid life. I can't do this anymore.
Sometimes I just want to die. What kind of life will be that. I have no right for what else.
 
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