ok, here goes..
I have suffered with natural unhappiness since I was about 17. general lack of motivation and seeing the down-side of things alot. I compensated alot for it by becoming quite religious; having been brought up a muslim, i held onto my faith in God to help get me through the dark times.
when i began uni 2 years ago, i had just gotten back from a gap year in thailand, and was on top of the world. I had successfully managed my lingering depression and low self esteem, and built up a little philosophy for myself, helping me to overcome my depression. being at university meant that i was distracted quite alot by the things going on around me, and thus, my mechanisms for beating depression had been ignored. in my second year of uni, I experienced a painful relationship break-up and some house mates i did'nt get on with. I also lost faith in god completely, which meant that my self-esteem was at an all time low. i remember litterally lying in bed and feeling all of this emotion in my heart just leave me. my heart then deflated like a deflated football. it was so painful, i could feel the pain in my back.
i then went to the doctor one morning, and got prescribed prozac. i remember as i was walking to the surgery, my whole body was trembling, my heart was aching and i felt as though i was dead. as i sat with the doctor i felt an over-whelming sense of weakness.
i got sent home, and spent months lying in bed. i remember i couldnt take care of myself at all, my hair had matted into a huge ball at the back of my head. i remember my heart being squeezed in my chest as though an iron fist had hold of it, i was shaking in my bed and couldnt move properly.
i have been lethargic and mind-numb ever since. during christmas of this year, i managed to get a part-time job at my local waterstones..i was stacking the shelves, when all of a sudden i had a terrible feeling, noone loved me, noone will ever love me, and all the customers were against me. i ran to the staff toilets and cried uncontrollably for 10 minutes.
at the moment, after been taken of the prozac, put on orlanzapene and citalopram, i have been put on efexor. i have only been taking this for 4 days. i still feel mind-numb. no emotions, no feelings in my head. no desire to do anything, watch tv or listen to music. no desire to see anyone. nothing. i am litterally, like a corpse, everyday. waking up exhausted in the morning, to walking around the flat, then lying back down again for the whole day, mulling over the past. the anxious thoughts never subside. they linger. they just keep coming back, over and over again. i cannot control them at all. my body aches constantly.
i just want this to end! i just want to be back to normal again!
how can i be my old self again?
, not in my chest though .
