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K

K-Kat

Member
Joined
Jun 17, 2014
Messages
10
Location
Canada
Hi all,

Writing in my journal takes too long for me, because I have so much to write and it doesn't come out fast enough, so I thought, why not post here?

I feel down, depressed, numb, call it what you want. I feel like crying. Scratch that, I feel like I am crying, but on the inside. Like if something as small as my ponytail braking would make me loose it.

I can't talk to family, to friends, and even professionals. No one understands. And the thing is, it happens out of the blue too. There are so many things that I need to get done, and I can barely stand to look at all the different colours in the room.

Right now I feel like throwing up, like a zombie, like I don't even exist.

Have you ever stared at something, but you're completely thinking of something different. That's what's going on with me. My vision blurs and my brain is somewhere else. I zone out so much that people ask what's wrong, and everyone knows that's not a question you'd like to be truthful about.

People always say that your diagnosis shouldn't define who you are, how you live your life, etc. Even if I wasn't diagnosed with BPD, I'd still be dealing with all of my struggles. They've just found a way to label me.

I think I've literally given up.

You could put me in a plain white room with no windows or anything, and I'd be the same way I am everyday.

There is little joy this holiday season, and to be honest, I just want to do what I always want to do...to sleep. To stay in bed and to not have to live a life. So what if that's what having depression is? It makes me content. It makes me feel like a feather isn't going to break me or that I'll have to go into a downward spiral.

I don't even know what else to write. I'm depressed, I get it. "You'll get through it" they all say. "I'm here for you" they say. Say it all you want, it's not like it makes up for feeling like crap. I'm suffering. I'm broken. I'm hurt.

Don't ask me why, or what you can do. Because the truth is, I have no idea. I don't know why I feel like this (most of the time), and I don't know what you can say to help me feel better. If I were looking at myself I wouldn't know what to do either. Would you?
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,529
Location
The West Country
I'm sorry to hear about how you're feeling. :hug:

Numbness and that zombie-like feeling is incredibly difficult to deal with.
Sometimes I honestly think i'd rather be crying the whole time than be stuck feeling nothing at all.

I think taking time out to sleep can actually be a good thing. It's escapism, you're safe when you're asleep and sometimes it just helps to be snuggled into the duvet.
So in that way, do what you need to do and not what you feel is expected of you.

I find that my numbness can actually be masking some really deep hurt, and so my brain decides it'll be better for me to completely zonk out than feel.
Try to allow yourself to feel if and when it comes up.

Finally I would just say try to do the little things to try and cheer yourself up.
So for me, I always love different kinds of lighting, and so i've bought myself a small string of star-shaped lights. It's a very small effort when you consider the lengths people go to for Christmas, but it's just nice to look at and switch on in the evening.
Take advantage and buy some nice food that's about this time of year.
As I said, little things.

Sorry I can't be of any more help. I hope that things get better soon. x
 
R

ricko4

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 7, 2014
Messages
179
Hi all,

Writing in my journal takes too long for me, because I have so much to write and it doesn't come out fast enough, so I thought, why not post here?

I feel down, depressed, numb, call it what you want. I feel like crying. Scratch that, I feel like I am crying, but on the inside. Like if something as small as my ponytail braking would make me loose it.

I can't talk to family, to friends, and even professionals. No one understands. And the thing is, it happens out of the blue too. There are so many things that I need to get done, and I can barely stand to look at all the different colours in the room.

Right now I feel like throwing up, like a zombie, like I don't even exist.

Have you ever stared at something, but you're completely thinking of something different. That's what's going on with me. My vision blurs and my brain is somewhere else. I zone out so much that people ask what's wrong, and everyone knows that's not a question you'd like to be truthful about.

People always say that your diagnosis shouldn't define who you are, how you live your life, etc. Even if I wasn't diagnosed with BPD, I'd still be dealing with all of my struggles. They've just found a way to label me.

I think I've literally given up.

You could put me in a plain white room with no windows or anything, and I'd be the same way I am everyday.

There is little joy this holiday season, and to be honest, I just want to do what I always want to do...to sleep. To stay in bed and to not have to live a life. So what if that's what having depression is? It makes me content. It makes me feel like a feather isn't going to break me or that I'll have to go into a downward spiral.

I don't even know what else to write. I'm depressed, I get it. "You'll get through it" they all say. "I'm here for you" they say. Say it all you want, it's not like it makes up for feeling like crap. I'm suffering. I'm broken. I'm hurt.

Don't ask me why, or what you can do. Because the truth is, I have no idea. I don't know why I feel like this (most of the time), and I don't know what you can say to help me feel better. If I were looking at myself I wouldn't know what to do either. Would you?
im just the same kkat up and down but no idea or reason why one minute i can take on the world next thing im just getting high to get away from everything but now even that dosent work but i wouldnt advise it to anybody but it is something for pleasure the pshy offered me group therapy but what goods that when i dont like being around people
im on anti depressent mirtazapine but all thats for is to help me sleep if i go to bed without it my head just runs riot then anxiety starts i am starting to feel the pressure of BPD now and i was only diagnosed 4 weeks ago shite life with this conditon but nobody understands when you do something wrong you cant help it its like you never think before you do and it always goes wrong
 
M

Madmitch

Guest
Hello K-Kat,

I hope you're feeling better now?

I can completely emphasise with what your going through, my initial advice is to try and keep strong i.e. maintain your daily life routines, and, if, you have an animal, show it that you love him/her, they seem to know when we are upset.

I have a Cat, his name is Sam, he makes my life worthwhile and makes me get up in the morning, either to let him out or to feed him. During the day, he will make me smile whilst playing with his toys and cuddling up to me.

If, you do not have a pet! Perhaps go for a walk (weather permitting), and take sustenance and pen/paper to note down your thoughts. Sometimes, it helps to recollect past thoughts, but only sometimes, when your ready.

My last bit of advice shall be and this is NOT for everyone, but, try and sit in silence for a period of time. You DON'T have to meditate, just be their in the moment! ...it can be beneficial.

I wish you a Christmas with contentment and hopefully fun and with much love.

Madmitch
 

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