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nowhere left to go

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telemetry9

Guest
Hello,

Talking about bad experiences in hospital. I've never been an in-patient in hospital. My GP told me that she would do her utmost to keep me away from the place as it doesn't help anyone (in her last helpful mode). I had asked her to admit me as I was in a lot of pain and the depression was too big for me to overcome.

I'm struggling with negative experiences. Every day it goes through my head "I have patients from eastern europe who had their relatives murdered in front of them." Was told to me by the same GP who I once really trusted and respected. On this day she told me this in anger and intolerance regarding my own situation. I never asked her for much or saw her as much as I should have as I hated going anyway. It truly broke my heart.

I have so many negative experiences and I'm so tired ofit. One or two positives that happened some years ago with a particular counsellor. I sometimes think that a criminal in prison would receive better treatment. I feel that they have convicted me of a crime and hate me for it. I'm to blame for having depression for over 20 years now - in some way.

I truly believe they dislike me. If they knew my life and my experiences perhaps they would understand - but of course they don't and never will.

What do we do and how can someone raise themselves against the bitterness and sadness such judgments create? I really feel that I hate them now because of their inhumanity. I know that I'm not alone as the depression support group I belonged had many with similar stories.

I'm afraid to go back to see this GP - but I don't know what to do as I will have to see someone at some stage. But I feel I have nowhere left to go now. I'm afraid to change my GP and go to another one even more judgmental or intolerant.

It is part of my illness to feel unworthy but I am also a fighter - but I no longer feel safe or trust these people. I wonder if anyone else has struggled with this and how they overcame it? The anger and humiliation I feel is enormous. I can't take much more from them.

Maybe someone out there has an answer for me. For people who might identify with this.

robert.
 
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jamesdean

Guest
I can identify with your every word because I have had some pretty awful things said to men one of those very things were quite similar to the eastern european it must be a a generic saying because Ihad the same said exactly almost word for word n I'm not lying this was by a cpn, this cpn also had great pleasure in tellingme "that we are all capableofmurder" just dsays after my social/freind had just committed suicide n do you know when she did that the samritans also said that I was a suspect whenIphoned them for support, yet the only people that didnt think it for one minute were the police.Mh services drs and consutants are to faruptheier own arses to comedown all the time I hope that when Itsmy turn n they are the ones needing treatment that I have a real heart to deal with them they suspect everyone has a fraudster except the fraudsters themselves they go on about people are benefits but whot about all the corruption in society.

There really is a lot of eveil in this world n people that cry wolf might just cry once to often,hopefully. All myl ife I have tried to better myself from the extremely poor up bringing that I had n when I was physically able towork I did so to the best of my ability,I was a work alohlic n I never once minded paying my ni n taxes, so why we have to be treated like scum all the time I will never know.

I'm nearly 50 n it dosent get any easier at all we are all judgeded the same:mad: n its a bloody constant task just getting through the stigma of poor mh each day before we can actually make a positive effort in this world people can be so cruel,n the very people that should be giving us respect are the drs its our lifes that they are playing games with honestly you arenot alonemy friend.

You take good care n keep fighting the drsplease because they cannot be allowed to be over powering they have no more human rights than you has an equalperson in socirty dont give up your contrabution to society is just has worthy tJD
 
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telemetry9

Guest
I think you have hit the nail on the head, james.

It's living with the consequences of those spoken words - not so easy. Like yourself - I was a motivated person and ran my own business for a number of years and enjoyed that and was successful. I never thought back then that the depression would beat me - but it has. I've had to find a kind of acceptance and forgiveness for myself in order to survive.

I was first diagnosed over 20 years ago but I know I've had the big "D" probably longer than that. Being a typical bloke I've always found it hard to ask for help or even go to see the Doctor.

I believe you when you describe the things that have been said to you by people who were supposed to show you some respect and consideration. There are no excuses because everyone deserves respect at least.

I just wish I would never have to see them again. That is my greatest wish - to erase them forever.

I've been thinking that the only way through this is to go back and see this doctor and tell her how much she hurt me by comparing my suffering to others. Something she didn't have the right to do as she knows little about my life.

Thank you for your considerate reply and perhaps it is rooted in people who cry wolf. I don't know. Last time I saw this GP - I looked for someone to blame and hurt someone in these forums. Something I will always regret doing - and very unlike me. This is the level they have taken me to but I will try and stay strong.

Thank you
robert.
 
KP1

KP1

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Apr 4, 2008
Messages
1,500
I still fail to understand or accept my depression after nearly 3 years now. It does feel as if it is your own fault. You're told to do all these things like exercise, do activities, join groups ,do voluntary work as if that will make you some sort of better person and therefore cure you. Well for me it hasn't worked. All I want to do is sleep.
Lately I've slowly stopped doing all these "wonderful" things but its made me want to sleep all the more so I'm going to see if I can find a few more things to do.Meanwhile the laborious search for a job continues though I seem to have become unemployable now.
God I sound so cheerful now is that me or is that the depression? thats one of the things I don't know anymore.
On a more positive note I have decided to take each day as it comes this year as trying to do all these positive things is just too difficult when you have depression.
To everyone with depression-it is an illness just like a physical illness and we are not to blame for it and do need help.
God I do ramble on when I get started.:LOL:
 
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JETBOY

Guest
i know how you feel

hi robert ,sorry to hear your feeling like this ,listen you wont like this but you
did ask ,ive been in this darkness for 43 years ,and have passed through the fingers of many fresh faced doctors ,and phychartrists ,all gleefully telling me
they will make me better ,couple of weeks before xmas ,last appmnt ,sit down ken ,how are you feeling ,hes heard it before but i told him ,if i werent tied to this mortal coil by my family ,i would vacate this earth and take my chance with hell, i was hoping that he was gonna tell me that we would try something else ,a little hope for the new year ,,,sorry ken ,we have explored
all avenues with you ,,all we can do is keep you stable ,,game over for me
i dont post much now ,the kind words i seem to be able to write have left me
sorry robert just my take on it ,,,,,bye JETBOY ,,walking back into the dark
 
KP1

KP1

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Apr 4, 2008
Messages
1,500
I suppose "keep stable" mean not trying to kill your self. Not much of a cure but I suppose eventually some people become glad of that fact. I don't think I'm there yet though.
 
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jamesdean

Guest
You dont ramble on kp1 you are right its an illness just like others illness's all that we can do is battle on.
 
D

deervista

New member
Joined
Jan 9, 2010
Messages
2
You still have one place to go to

Hi Rob,

You might still have one place to go to. Check out http://aashaa.org and I hope you may find some light from there. I have heard good things about it from a friend.

Regards,

Darryl
 
M

mad as a hatter

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 23, 2008
Messages
2,167
Location
scotland
I,ve had the same problems with these people i had a gp say 2 me u took 50 tablets cause u where bored and i needed 2 find something 2 do get busy i was shocked 2 say the least but we got a new lady doctor in or practice so i went 2 her she,s been brillant at times such a difference so maybe u should try some 1 different can,t be ne worse i feel some these mh workers think i,m just an attention seeker and should be out there earning a living instead off milking the system and i,ve been in the mh system 2 long as well yeah that,s what i really want the treat us like a number at times we r nothing 2 them
 
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telemetry9

Guest
deervista,

I find your reply offensive and belittling.

I don't have a disquieted mind - and am probably more zen than you will ever hope to be.

caio.
 
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telemetry9

Guest
Thank you. I appreciate your response m-a-a-h.

Good to hear you found someone better. I still don't know what step to take.

best wishes
robert.
 
A

asiff

New member
Joined
Jan 8, 2010
Messages
4
Location
uk
ive been bipolar for 15 years in and out of hospital,the way i see it that doctors put you in a box,take these tablets and see you again in a years time.ive been depressed now for about 6 mounths this time
 
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telemetry9

Guest
I recently came into contact with someone who works in housing and has applicants who are disabled and require letters from their Doctors. She told me this was the part of the job she hated most.

In her words :"I used to think that Doctors' were nice people before I started this job."

She explained to me that the lack of compassion and empathy from people who CHOOSE to work as G.P's is endemic. She was very concerned about anyone who would be in the position of having to ask their doctor for a letter explaining their disability.

I know there must be good people out there who work as G.P's - but there's obviously a bigger problem going on here. We have to remember that G.P's get paid a LOT of money and bonuses. Surely common decency/respect and consideration are what everyone deserves who come to see their G.P.

There is a part of me that suspects people are losing their humanity. I don't know all the reasons but in my heart I think that is becoming more palpable in society and amongst those who are in positions of care and responsibility. I've heard all the excuses for that changing behaviour - none of them seem valid enough to me.

robert.
 
rollinat

rollinat

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Apr 24, 2008
Messages
1,816
There are good GPs out there, but I think maybe they have to harden themselves at times to be able to detatch themselves so that they can continue to work effectively? With the time and resources available to them, they have a hard job (and yes, I know they are paid a lot but it is still hard). If someone comes in presenting with depressive symptoms there is a limit to what a GP can do - ADs may help but if they continue to have a rubbish life, it's only really sticking a plaster over the main problems.
 
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