- Apr 3, 2009
- Land of the ice and snow
After looking at all the forums and sub-forums I could not decide where to post so I plunked it down here. I have been to countless GPs, therapists and psychs. There has been a waterfall of meds, some good, some bad, some VERY bad, none were great. Therapy, CBT, medication, self medication (booze, drugs and even Get My Ass Kicked therapy), none seem to work. Depression hand in hand with BP (runs in the family), OCD (don't know why but I am SURE it is in the numbers somewhere), PTSD (from watching my dad try to shoot and kill my mom or maybe his suicide attempts, not sure, thanks again dad). My work takes me to remote northen postings, usually one or two other people are the only humans within 300 miles. Lets put the lunatic into solitary confinement, what a great idea! My only saving grace with work is that I have a very strong handpicked team who continuously save my ass. I have driven away most people in my life, including my wife of 21 years and my two oldest kids. My deal is that I can very calmy rationalize the need to take my own life. Not suicide, but sacrifice. The very few people left in my life who love me are young, my two youngest kids, 12 and 10 and 2 grandkids, 3 and 1. I keep coming back to the idea that if I am dead they will never know what I am capable of, never be subjected to ME.