Nowhere else to post

[Farcry]

After looking at all the forums and sub-forums I could not decide where to post so I plunked it down here. I have been to countless GPs, therapists and psychs. There has been a waterfall of meds, some good, some bad, some VERY bad, none were great. Therapy, CBT, medication, self medication (booze, drugs and even Get My Ass Kicked therapy), none seem to work. Depression hand in hand with BP (runs in the family), OCD (don't know why but I am SURE it is in the numbers somewhere), PTSD (from watching my dad try to shoot and kill my mom or maybe his suicide attempts, not sure, thanks again dad). My work takes me to remote northen postings, usually one or two other people are the only humans within 300 miles. Lets put the lunatic into solitary confinement, what a great idea! My only saving grace with work is that I have a very strong handpicked team who continuously save my ass. I have driven away most people in my life, including my wife of 21 years and my two oldest kids. My deal is that I can very calmy rationalize the need to take my own life. Not suicide, but sacrifice. The very few people left in my life who love me are young, my two youngest kids, 12 and 10 and 2 grandkids, 3 and 1. I keep coming back to the idea that if I am dead they will never know what I am capable of, never be subjected to ME.

 

[anastasia]

in a way you're right.

if you die they won't know what you're capable of but i'm sure i dont mean it in the way you did in your post.

what i mean is that they won't get to know their dad/ grandad for the loving, caring person that he is. for all the wisdom he has to share and the fun they can have with him.

we have to cling to all the little things in the world that mean so much to us.

 

[keepsafe]

Farcry - you need to go and get some help again - please do.
Anastasia is right - give them the chance to get to know you - there must be some good there. Are you now off meds?
KS

 

[Dollit]

To have all that going on in the family background and then to be working in such isolation is pretty heavy going. My granddad had a tough time (for reasons I'm not going to go into on here) but he kept on going and I'm glad he did. He's not the granddad that gave up I remember it's the granddad that kept on going when lesser people would have given up I remember. I would have loved him all the same whatever but I'm glad he stayed around long enough to see me get married.

 

[Twylight]

hello and welcome

 

[Emmy]

You talk about your fathers suicide attempts but then talk about doing the same thing. What effect do you think it would have on your children? It doesn't matter that you call it sacrifice. Your children won't thank you for it.
What they need is a kind and caring father who is there for them.
Please get help for this again.