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Now that I'm technically old enough to be on my own...

kittylance

kittylance

New member
Joined
Mar 13, 2015
Messages
3
I'm 18 years old and having a hard time adjusting to the world, I felt like I was ready for a while there, but I was going through one of my ups. Now I just feel stuck.
To be clear, between the ages of 15 and 17 I fluctuated between being kicked out of the house and running away from home. After going through all of that and surviving with no money, usually nowhere to sleep, and the occasional lack of tourists (best bet for finding food scraps in the trash), I thought I could take on anything. My judgment had been clouded for quite some time.
You see I have horrible anxiety and have since I was a little kid, I can only handle a crowd of people if I know each individual person and trust them completely, any other social situation and I'm only half there and on edge the entire time. I made some great friends, but I created more bad memories for myself than good by being foolish and thinking a teenage girl could hold her own without any troubles. Sometimes I feel like if I had been more confident than I was I'd have been fine, but on the contrary, an inflated ego is what got me in so much trouble. From getting so intoxicated that I allowed a 13 year old boy to hurt my arm for fun, to taking drinks from strangers, to waking up in the middle of a field with a cop asking me if i was okay. I had my personal items stolen, i lost my glasses twice, I'd gone from that awkward, nerdy girl to that poor pathetic mess trying to fit in where she didn't belong.
Now I'm living with my boyfriend of 10 months and still having flashbacks of the bs I've dealt with between ages 5 and 17 from being taken advantage of, being abandoned, and being betrayed. I have my good days where we don't get into any arguments and I have my bad days where I just snap at everything or cry at everything. I'm getting my GED and only have 1 test left (math), but my boyfriend and I live with his dad and stepmom. The number 1 rule is that I have to either have a job or be enrolled in school. I'm terrified of trying to get another job because the first job I got was awful. It wasn't the work that was bad, it was me and where I was. I'm great with people, but too much at once just sorta triggers me to freak out, on top of that anytime something triggers a memory thats full of emotion, its like a slap in the face and I just feel flooded with fear, or sadness, or anger. I'd be in the middle of sweeping one of the halls, start feeling tears fall, and hide in the bathroom for a few minutes.
School wasn't much better for me. I'm a great student and I love learning, but even if my peers aren't talking bad about me I just constantly feel paranoid and it keeps me from being able to focus. I'm terrified of running into people I know in public, even if they're people that are supposed to be my friend and I'm not sure why. Like I've previously stated, I have horrible anxiety, but in my own way I'm great with people, so it doesn't take much for me to get myself caught up in some level of popularity that I'd rather not deal with, but being me, I can't ignore someone if they aren't being mean to me. I relate well with others, but I think some people find that trait annoying, and if they do I just start feeling really bad. Anytime a person doesn't like me it's like I feel my heart break a little. There's one part of me that wants to be friends with everyone in the world, and another that wants to hide alone forever. There's a part of me that wants to take away everyone's pain, and another that wants to feel nothing.
I know that online classes would just lead to me being a full time procrastinator because there's almost no structure whatsoever with online classes. I don't know what to do. If I tried applying for benefits and got rejected, I'm afraid of how I might react. I feel like I'm losing myself, but I'm afraid that if things turn out bad when I'm trying to good that I'll completely slip. I'm terrified of hurting my boyfriend or my sisters, if it weren't for them I probably wouldn't be here to type this today.
I'm sorry if this seems jumbled up or if I didn't stay on one track, but my minds racing really bad this morning and my boyfriends working at 3 different jobs today and its our 10 month anniversary. So I was trying to focus on this, but hoping he doesn't push himself to hard, and reflecting on the past 10 months all at once.
 

MarlieeB

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jan 15, 2013
Messages
25,044
Hi and :welcome: to the forum.

You really have been through a lot :hug1: Good luck with finishing your GED. Do you know if there are any night classes you can go to to try and carry on with School afterwards?

It might be a option to look into maybe?

Marliee x
 
S

Saranoya

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 12, 2012
Messages
152
It sounds like you've been through a great deal of sh*t (pardon my French). I'm sorry. And now you have to figure out where to go from here. I suspect that's at least part of the reason you're posting.

You have quite a few things going for you. Your boyfriend, for instance. I applaud you for being able to maintain a ten-month intimate relationship, with all the crap you've been through. The fact that his parents are making you stick to that rule is also a good thing, I think. You seem like an intelligent woman. If I were you, I'd see that as an opportunity, grab it with both hands and run with it. The GED is a very good first step. Congrats, only one more test to go! And maybe after that, college? Someone with your background and ability to write could come up with a hell of an admissions essay! If you play your cards right, you may even get a scholarship out of it.

I wish you well. Hang on. You are strong!
 
kittylance

kittylance

New member
Joined
Mar 13, 2015
Messages
3
RE: MarlieeBee
Thank you for replying and offering your suggestion. I believe a few of the schools around here do have night classes, but I'm pretty sure there's a limited amount of courses available at night. It's definitely worth checking out though.
RE: Saranoya
Thank you for your reply and your words of encouragement :) You're right, I do have a lot of things going for me now that I didn't have before, and this is my chance to embrace my inner nerd and bury my nose in textbooks instead of hiding in my room. And thank you for the compliment on my writing, I've though about majoring in English, but I'm also a science nut. Luckily I've got time to plan all that out though.

:peace: peace be with you both :mrgreen:
 
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