Now my hobby has been ruined too.

T

Tony 55

Member
Joined
Oct 30, 2013
Messages
7
#1
Hi. As a lifelong anxiety (and depression) sufferer, I've always been able to turn to my hobby for a degree of comfort, if not complete relaxation. That is until recently. This hobby of mine (I'm a railway enthusiast) has been a big part of my life for over 50 years, and although it's a solitary activity it did at least get me out of the house and gave me a positive focus. Then, late last year my cousin, not someone that I've ever been close to (and who's father has always been a huge threat to my self-esteem since I was a child), got a job as a train driver locally. This meant that his father too had now invaded the one area of my life that was safe from outside, confidence-sapping interference. (He is someone who likes to know everything about everything, even contradicting me on my professional knowledge). Suddenly, the one thing that I could turn to for much-needed comfort and escape felt very different. It was as if the one area of my life which allowed me to feel that I had more knowledge, experience and information on than my 'perfect' and highly intelligent (they both have good degrees), family members have ever had has been completely compromised. Because of my illness I'm no longer able to earn the sort of money I was trained to earn (I'm a qualified male nurse), he is now earning a minimum of £48,000 a year, which will eventually rise to £70,000 a year. (Train drivers earn very good money clearly). Can anyone suggest a way of thinking differently about this? Any help would be gratefully received. I've certainly noticed a deterioration in my mental health since this occured.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
Tony.
 
Z

ziedite

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 11, 2013
Messages
273
Location
UK
#2
Hi Tony.. I have a few railroad enthusiasts in my family as well... and they love it so much so I totally get it. Firstly... you need to separate out your hobby and knowledge from your cousin's fathers job. They are completely different. He will know much more than you about how to drive a train "practically" but you will know so much more about how we moved from steam to diesel and beyond... And if you asked him about the significance about XYZ train invention, I'm sure he would look at you in confusion. So do NOT underestimate your knowledge and interest in railways...

But more importantly... this is NOT a competition, although you may see it this way initially. You are qualified as a medical person, a nurse, which is so valuable, we cannot underestimate it. You may not be able to practice it right now...but that may change in the future. So don't forget that you have the ability to save lives... which most of us don't.

He has not taken away your knowledge or interest or ability in understanding trains... that is owned by you completely. Be strong in yourself and let us know how we can help.
 
Bizzarebitrary

Bizzarebitrary

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2018
Messages
416
Location
California, US
#3
It may feel like your safe space - a territory that means a lot to you - has been violated. In fact, as @ziedite suggests, you can coexist with this arrangement because working as a train operator doesn't provide one with historical knowledge or any meaningful understanding of the importance of railways.

You also mentioned salary so clearly there's something there that's bothering you which isn't specific to trains but rather, how you view yourself in relation to your cousin. Its important you that don't allow negative thoughts about yourself to go unchallenged. Your cousin isn't dealing with the illness you are so he doesnt face certain challenges that make such comparisons meaningless. You also don't know if your cousin will be any good at the job he just took or even like it enough to continue.

Resist trying to predict the future for him or yourself, nothing is certain.
 
T

Tony 55

Member
Joined
Oct 30, 2013
Messages
7
#4
Hi Tony.. I have a few railroad enthusiasts in my family as well... and they love it so much so I totally get it. Firstly... you need to separate out your hobby and knowledge from your cousin's fathers job. They are completely different. He will know much more than you about how to drive a train "practically" but you will know so much more about how we moved from steam to diesel and beyond... And if you asked him about the significance about XYZ train invention, I'm sure he would look at you in confusion. So do NOT underestimate your knowledge and interest in railways...

But more importantly... this is NOT a competition, although you may see it this way initially. You are qualified as a medical person, a nurse, which is so valuable, we cannot underestimate it. You may not be able to practice it right now...but that may change in the future. So don't forget that you have the ability to save lives... which most of us don't.

He has not taken away your knowledge or interest or ability in understanding trains... that is owned by you completely. Be strong in yourself and let us know how we can help.
Thank you zeidite for a very thoughtful response - I really appreciate your consideration. What you say makes perfect sense. I guess a complicating factor for me is the relationship that I have with my cousin and his father, but reading your response I can see that I've got a distorted view, not only of them, but of my own place in society. Sadly, self-worth has always eluded me, even as a child. Clearly I've got a lot of work to do here.Thanks again.
 
T

Tony 55

Member
Joined
Oct 30, 2013
Messages
7
#5
It may feel like your safe space - a territory that means a lot to you - has been violated. In fact, as @ziedite suggests, you can coexist with this arrangement because working as a train operator doesn't provide one with historical knowledge or any meaningful understanding of the importance of railways.

You also mentioned salary so clearly there's something there that's bothering you which isn't specific to trains but rather, how you view yourself in relation to your cousin. Its important you that don't allow negative thoughts about yourself to go unchallenged. Your cousin isn't dealing with the illness you are so he doesnt face certain challenges that make such comparisons meaningless. You also don't know if your cousin will be any good at the job he just took or even like it enough to continue.

Resist trying to predict the future for him or yourself, nothing is certain.
Thank you Bizzarebitrary, you're right, the salary aspect really has impacted on me, I trained long and hard for my qualification and I loved the job, but now I'm really struggling financially because I'm unable to do the job anymore. I do work, but not as a nurse now. I can see that I have a distorted view of both his and my place in the world. As you say, I need to start challenging the (almost constant) negative thoughts about myself if I'm going to have ANY sort of life. Unfortunately, he seems to be highly regarded already by both his colleagues and his managers. He used to be a police officer, and in his first month he's already had a suicide, which he dealt with with his police-learned skills. This has made him something of a star at the depot apparently. He would be - I've always been in his and his father's shadow. Typical. As you say though, nothing is certain or future-proofed. Thanks again, I really appreciate your thoughts.
 
Bizzarebitrary

Bizzarebitrary

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2018
Messages
416
Location
California, US
#6
Thank you for sharing this bit about yourself. It's difficult to struggle publicly in the information age when it always seems (from what is broadcast) that other people are sailing smoothly through life.

If I may ask, do you love nursing and is it possible you may return to it someday?
 
T

Tony 55

Member
Joined
Oct 30, 2013
Messages
7
#7
Thank you for sharing this bit about yourself. It's difficult to struggle publicly in the information age when it always seems (from what is broadcast) that other people are sailing smoothly through life.

If I may ask, do you love nursing and is it possible you may return to it someday?
You've hit the nail on the head there. It does seem that many of those around me are sailing through life. I do indeed love nursing, but I suffered a major spinal trauma some time ago, and am now considered disabled. As a result my life has shrunk, to say the least. Nowadays I work with witnesses as they go through the experience of a court case.
 
C

Clark75

Member
Joined
Jan 31, 2019
Messages
16
Location
USA
#8
No one can ruin your hobby unless you let them. Don't give anyone that power. Besides you said you mostly enjoy railroads as a solitary hobby so in that sense no one else can affect your enjoyment from the hobby. If you were into the hobby just to know more about the subject than your family members then you might have enjoyed the hobby for the wrong reasons to begin with.
 
T

Tony 55

Member
Joined
Oct 30, 2013
Messages
7
#9
No one can ruin your hobby unless you let them. Don't give anyone that power. Besides you said you mostly enjoy railroads as a solitary hobby so in that sense no one else can affect your enjoyment from the hobby. If you were into the hobby just to know more about the subject than your family members then you might have enjoyed the hobby for the wrong reasons to begin with.
That's a very good point, thank you. I know deep down that my feelings are probably irrational, and as you say, mine is a solitary thing. My Father was a railwayman all his life, so the hobby developed for me as we travelled country wide together on trains. I was very close to my Dad, he was like my best mate, and much of my knowledge I learned from him. The same is not true of my cousin, who is a very different person, and not someone who I have ever been close to.
 

Similar threads