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Nothing is Going Well for Me. At All. My Life Is Pointless.

J

JayOrtz

New member
Joined
May 14, 2021
Messages
1
Location
New York
Ever since I was a kid, all I did was disappoint people. That, or annoy them, or be downright boring to be around.
As a 19 year old right now, I have nothing going for me in my life. I don't see a future for me where I'm prospering, let alone living for myself.
All I do is freeload off of my family. My parents are divorced, and both sides are miserable like me.
My mom is in an abusive relationship with my step-father, and denies it whenever I bring it up. My father is depressed and lashes out at my Two younger brothers from time to time.
My grandparents are on the verge of death, and their house is a cluttered mess.
Overall, my family is poor, in a tragic state of their lives, and tries to make it seem like nothing is wrong when I'm around.
I'm not interesting as a human being.
I have no passion in life.
I never worked a single job during my time here.
I never contributed to the world or my family in any meaningful way.
I try to exercise, try to take walks outside, listen to music, but what good is any of that if I won't go anywhere in my life?
I feed off of my family's money. I'm lazy and a fucking waste.
All of my 'friends' from middle school or high school don't even bother to contact me once we graduated. No one even bothers to take a second look at me, to try and think about me as a human being.
I suffer from autism.
I suffer from asthma.
I had covid, and should have died. Hell, my family would have been better off without me.
I never told anyone about this, out of fear that they would get me a therapist, or some other expensive form of help.
I'm done being a leech, a worthless excuse of human life. But I'm too afraid to die.
The uncertainty, the unknown, scares me. It's why I feel so pathetic, not knowing what I want to do with my life, not knowing what my future will look like, I don't want to live a life where no one remembers or cares for me.
All my life, I just wanted to help people, and by getting rid of myself, I feel I'd be doing just that.
One less mouth to feed, one less freeloading, lazy, out of shape sack of shit in the household.
I hate being lied to, and lying to others. This whole idea that "everything happens for a reason" or "your life is worth living" is a bunch of bullshit.
I have no friends, no value whatsoever. I just want to let go, but I don't know how.
I smile and try to play it off, like everything is fine, and I'm just the obedient guy who listens to whatever anyone has to say, and has nothing to contribute to the conversation, or the lives of those around me.
I recently had a talk with my father which can be summed up as "you need to do something with your life." And I realized, I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what I like. I've been so lazy, so weak-minded, so brain dead in making life decisions, that I'm as valuable as a dead man. It makes me want to die.
My mom is struggling with money, and I can't pay for college much longer. In falling my classes, and financial aid doesn't allow students with a GPA lower than 2.0, which I'm bound to get anyday now.
I'd be doing everyone a favor if I die.
I have breakdowns every week, crying at the thought of my family mourning over my dead body, over my grave, but it'd be worth it. Not everyone has to appreciate when something good is given to them.
My other family, other 'friends' have their lives figured out. I don't. Living isn't meant for me. I can't put in the work, put in the effort to be useful in any way, put in the initiative to find that special thing.
I want to die, but I'm too much of a coward to do it.
My destiny was to be born, struggle, and suffer. I don't want this life. I don't know why my soul was given form in this body, in this lifeline. I don't want this responsibility. Why couldn't I have been given life as someone else? Someone more meaningful? Someone who can actually do something worth a damn?
I just want to let go. Be free of this burden. Let me family be free of my burden. I'm sick of the way my father looks at me, like I'm a failure. I'm the most disappointing member of my family. Everyone around me knows it. Hell, if you saw me, you'd know it. I wasted my life. Everyone around me got it good. Everyone around me has had jobs before they were 19, or knew what they wanted to do for a career, or had plenty of skills that can be useful.
I have none of those.
I'm the opposite, I have nothing good going for me.
I'm a quitter. I have no concept of finances, taxes, debt, mortgage, none of that shit you need to understand for when you're alone in the real world. If I get sent back out to this world on my own, I may as well kill myself. It's too hard for me.
It's how it's always been. If there's a concept I can't understand, say a class, or a video game, or finding something I want to do in life, I give up on it entirely, and consider myself a failure.
It's no different here
Living is too much of a struggle for me, I just can't keep going like this. I just want to leave this world, or at least find a way to make myself worth something.
That's all I want.
I want to make life easier for others around me.
I'm a burden. I'm not worth a damn thing. I'm a lazy, good for nothing coward.
 
Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 1, 2021
Messages
1,236
Location
California
Hi JayOrtz,
I am sorry you are struggling in life. Much of what you wrote felt like me writing when I was feeling my worst. Someone told me that my "later self" wouldn't want that decision. They weren't talking specifically to me, but to a group of us. It somehow stuck and took off just a little pressure of the immediacy I was feeling. My later self am thankful that I heard and waited. I hope you will stay safe. I know it's a lot of pain, but change is possible.
💗 💗💗
 
Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 1, 2021
Messages
1,236
Location
California
It may help to have a look at these two pages on the forum: Suicidal Crisis and Mental Health Forum - Getting Help about what to do if you're feeling suicidal, or if you need emergency help. I hope you can use the forum for support during this difficult time.

If you’re thinking about suicide and are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number (i.e. in the UK call 999, in the USA or Canada call 911, in Australia call 000 and in New Zealand call 111) or call the international emergency number of 112.

If you have been affected by the contents of this thread and would like to speak to someone about your feelings you can call one of the following helplines:

In the UK and Ireland, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.
In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.
In Canada, the Suicide Prevention Service on 1.833.456.4566.
In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14.
In New Zealand, the Need to Talk service is on 1737 or 080017371737.
Other international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.

More Australian specific services are...
  • 000 is the national emergency number in Australia.
  • Lifeline is a 24-hour nationwide service that provides access to crisis support, suicide prevention and mental health support services. It can be reached at 13 11 14. They also offer an online chat service from 7pm to midnight Sydney time every day.
  • Kids Helpline is a 24-hour nationwide service that provides access to crisis support, suicide prevention and counselling services for Australians aged 5–25. It can be reached at 1800 55 1800. In addition the Kids Helpline does also provide online chat services.
  • Beyond Blue provides nationwide information and support regarding anxiety, depression, and suicide. It has a helpline which can be reached by calling 1300 22 4636. The helpline is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. In addition, the organisation also provides online chat from 3 pm to 12 am every day.
  • The Suicide Call Back Service is a nationwide service that provides professional 24/7 telephone and online counselling to people who are affected by suicide. It has a helpline which can be reached by calling 1300 659 467. The organisation also offers online chat and video chat services.
  • MensLine Australia is a 24/7 telephone and online counselling service for men with emotional health, mental health and relationship concerns. It has a helpline which can be reached by calling 1300 78 99 78. The organisation also has online counselling.
  • Talk Suicide offers free support from a counsellor who can meet you at your home, a local park or coffee shop. Their counsellors specialise in talking with people who may be experiencing thoughts of suicide and they can keep in touch with you as often as you need. They can also provide support to family and friends. The link to make a self-referral is Make a referral | Suicide Prevention Pathways or they can be contacted by phoning 1800 008 255
Your life is worth fighting for, please reach out for help.
 
Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 1, 2021
Messages
1,236
Location
California
There are tips on the first blue link that I have found helpful. Simple exercise to calm hurt and thoughts.
It may help to have a look at these two pages on the forum: Suicidal Crisis and Mental Health Forum - Getting Help about what to do if you're feeling suicidal, or if you need emergency help. I hope you can use the forum for support.
 
J

Jamesjay

Member
Joined
May 11, 2021
Messages
15
Location
Toronto
I can relate so much... Myself I'm the same I have no passion or drive, Im not working I feel like a burden, I've had friends lose touch with me and basically feel lost. Sounds like you need help with depression I'm on that road currently. I think you should talk to a psychiatrist don't you?
 
MeAndMyDepression

MeAndMyDepression

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 6, 2021
Messages
1,164
Location
Punta Gorda, Florida, USA
Ever since I was a kid, all I did was disappoint people. That, or annoy them, or be downright boring to be around.
As a 19 year old right now, I have nothing going for me in my life. I don't see a future for me where I'm prospering, let alone living for myself.
All I do is freeload off of my family. My parents are divorced, and both sides are miserable like me.
My mom is in an abusive relationship with my step-father, and denies it whenever I bring it up. My father is depressed and lashes out at my Two younger brothers from time to time.
My grandparents are on the verge of death, and their house is a cluttered mess.
Overall, my family is poor, in a tragic state of their lives, and tries to make it seem like nothing is wrong when I'm around.
I'm not interesting as a human being.
I have no passion in life.
I never worked a single job during my time here.
I never contributed to the world or my family in any meaningful way.
I try to exercise, try to take walks outside, listen to music, but what good is any of that if I won't go anywhere in my life?
I feed off of my family's money. I'm lazy and a fucking waste.
All of my 'friends' from middle school or high school don't even bother to contact me once we graduated. No one even bothers to take a second look at me, to try and think about me as a human being.
I suffer from autism.
I suffer from asthma.
I had covid, and should have died. Hell, my family would have been better off without me.
I never told anyone about this, out of fear that they would get me a therapist, or some other expensive form of help.
I'm done being a leech, a worthless excuse of human life. But I'm too afraid to die.
The uncertainty, the unknown, scares me. It's why I feel so pathetic, not knowing what I want to do with my life, not knowing what my future will look like, I don't want to live a life where no one remembers or cares for me.
All my life, I just wanted to help people, and by getting rid of myself, I feel I'd be doing just that.
One less mouth to feed, one less freeloading, lazy, out of shape sack of shit in the household.
I hate being lied to, and lying to others. This whole idea that "everything happens for a reason" or "your life is worth living" is a bunch of bullshit.
I have no friends, no value whatsoever. I just want to let go, but I don't know how.
I smile and try to play it off, like everything is fine, and I'm just the obedient guy who listens to whatever anyone has to say, and has nothing to contribute to the conversation, or the lives of those around me.
I recently had a talk with my father which can be summed up as "you need to do something with your life." And I realized, I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what I like. I've been so lazy, so weak-minded, so brain dead in making life decisions, that I'm as valuable as a dead man. It makes me want to die.
My mom is struggling with money, and I can't pay for college much longer. In falling my classes, and financial aid doesn't allow students with a GPA lower than 2.0, which I'm bound to get anyday now.
I'd be doing everyone a favor if I die.
I have breakdowns every week, crying at the thought of my family mourning over my dead body, over my grave, but it'd be worth it. Not everyone has to appreciate when something good is given to them.
My other family, other 'friends' have their lives figured out. I don't. Living isn't meant for me. I can't put in the work, put in the effort to be useful in any way, put in the initiative to find that special thing.
I want to die, but I'm too much of a coward to do it.
My destiny was to be born, struggle, and suffer. I don't want this life. I don't know why my soul was given form in this body, in this lifeline. I don't want this responsibility. Why couldn't I have been given life as someone else? Someone more meaningful? Someone who can actually do something worth a damn?
I just want to let go. Be free of this burden. Let me family be free of my burden. I'm sick of the way my father looks at me, like I'm a failure. I'm the most disappointing member of my family. Everyone around me knows it. Hell, if you saw me, you'd know it. I wasted my life. Everyone around me got it good. Everyone around me has had jobs before they were 19, or knew what they wanted to do for a career, or had plenty of skills that can be useful.
I have none of those.
I'm the opposite, I have nothing good going for me.
I'm a quitter. I have no concept of finances, taxes, debt, mortgage, none of that shit you need to understand for when you're alone in the real world. If I get sent back out to this world on my own, I may as well kill myself. It's too hard for me.
It's how it's always been. If there's a concept I can't understand, say a class, or a video game, or finding something I want to do in life, I give up on it entirely, and consider myself a failure.
It's no different here
Living is too much of a struggle for me, I just can't keep going like this. I just want to leave this world, or at least find a way to make myself worth something.
That's all I want.
I want to make life easier for others around me.
I'm a burden. I'm not worth a damn thing. I'm a lazy, good for nothing coward.
Hi @JayOrtz
I'm so sorry for your situation and how you feel about yourself. Your negativity comes through loud and clear. I think you need to see a therapist--and soon--for talk therapy. You have to change your negative thoughts about yourself to at least being neutral about yourself.
 
lavenderfire

lavenderfire

Well-known member
Joined
May 10, 2021
Messages
176
Location
australia
Ever since I was a kid, all I did was disappoint people. That, or annoy them, or be downright boring to be around.
As a 19 year old right now, I have nothing going for me in my life. I don't see a future for me where I'm prospering, let alone living for myself.
All I do is freeload off of my family. My parents are divorced, and both sides are miserable like me.
My mom is in an abusive relationship with my step-father, and denies it whenever I bring it up. My father is depressed and lashes out at my Two younger brothers from time to time.
My grandparents are on the verge of death, and their house is a cluttered mess.
Overall, my family is poor, in a tragic state of their lives, and tries to make it seem like nothing is wrong when I'm around.
I'm not interesting as a human being.
I have no passion in life.
I never worked a single job during my time here.
I never contributed to the world or my family in any meaningful way.
I try to exercise, try to take walks outside, listen to music, but what good is any of that if I won't go anywhere in my life?
I feed off of my family's money. I'm lazy and a fucking waste.
All of my 'friends' from middle school or high school don't even bother to contact me once we graduated. No one even bothers to take a second look at me, to try and think about me as a human being.
I suffer from autism.
I suffer from asthma.
I had covid, and should have died. Hell, my family would have been better off without me.
I never told anyone about this, out of fear that they would get me a therapist, or some other expensive form of help.
I'm done being a leech, a worthless excuse of human life. But I'm too afraid to die.
The uncertainty, the unknown, scares me. It's why I feel so pathetic, not knowing what I want to do with my life, not knowing what my future will look like, I don't want to live a life where no one remembers or cares for me.
All my life, I just wanted to help people, and by getting rid of myself, I feel I'd be doing just that.
One less mouth to feed, one less freeloading, lazy, out of shape sack of shit in the household.
I hate being lied to, and lying to others. This whole idea that "everything happens for a reason" or "your life is worth living" is a bunch of bullshit.
I have no friends, no value whatsoever. I just want to let go, but I don't know how.
I smile and try to play it off, like everything is fine, and I'm just the obedient guy who listens to whatever anyone has to say, and has nothing to contribute to the conversation, or the lives of those around me.
I recently had a talk with my father which can be summed up as "you need to do something with your life." And I realized, I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what I like. I've been so lazy, so weak-minded, so brain dead in making life decisions, that I'm as valuable as a dead man. It makes me want to die.
My mom is struggling with money, and I can't pay for college much longer. In falling my classes, and financial aid doesn't allow students with a GPA lower than 2.0, which I'm bound to get anyday now.
I'd be doing everyone a favor if I die.
I have breakdowns every week, crying at the thought of my family mourning over my dead body, over my grave, but it'd be worth it. Not everyone has to appreciate when something good is given to them.
My other family, other 'friends' have their lives figured out. I don't. Living isn't meant for me. I can't put in the work, put in the effort to be useful in any way, put in the initiative to find that special thing.
I want to die, but I'm too much of a coward to do it.
My destiny was to be born, struggle, and suffer. I don't want this life. I don't know why my soul was given form in this body, in this lifeline. I don't want this responsibility. Why couldn't I have been given life as someone else? Someone more meaningful? Someone who can actually do something worth a damn?
I just want to let go. Be free of this burden. Let me family be free of my burden. I'm sick of the way my father looks at me, like I'm a failure. I'm the most disappointing member of my family. Everyone around me knows it. Hell, if you saw me, you'd know it. I wasted my life. Everyone around me got it good. Everyone around me has had jobs before they were 19, or knew what they wanted to do for a career, or had plenty of skills that can be useful.
I have none of those.
I'm the opposite, I have nothing good going for me.
I'm a quitter. I have no concept of finances, taxes, debt, mortgage, none of that shit you need to understand for when you're alone in the real world. If I get sent back out to this world on my own, I may as well kill myself. It's too hard for me.
It's how it's always been. If there's a concept I can't understand, say a class, or a video game, or finding something I want to do in life, I give up on it entirely, and consider myself a failure.
It's no different here
Living is too much of a struggle for me, I just can't keep going like this. I just want to leave this world, or at least find a way to make myself worth something.
That's all I want.
I want to make life easier for others around me.
I'm a burden. I'm not worth a damn thing. I'm a lazy, good for nothing coward.
I have plenty of the things on your list about me. I also have other things about me that I don't like that you don't have.

But I do know this: both you and I are not useless, we are not pointless, we are not worthless. We just have mental illness, and it is complicated, and it effects our self esteem and it even effects our perception.

So join me on the path of realisation and towards truth. Don't let the mental illness make you think or feel or say all that stuff you just typed. There is truth about you that you don't seem to realise, you didn't type it here.

Ask some of the people you know what they like about you, ask them what they think about you, ask them what good things there are about you, what nice things there are from your past, and tell me what they said.
 
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