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Irrationallyrational

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Hello,

My name is Beth and I have BPD. I am struggling so much to deal with it all these days. My fiancée left me in May with absolutely no warning and I miss her terribly. I talk to strangers online hoping to find some sort of connection, something to keep me going. I don't know if I'm lonely. I'm constantly surrounded by people. Family when I'm home, colleagues when I'm at work, friends when I'm out. The world goes on and on continuously and yet I am still stuck here, trying to get through the day. At least today the BPD voice in my head hasn't screamed at me too much. It usually tells me to kill myself and hurt myself everyday. I'm on new medication which I like to take because it usually makes me sleepy enough to actually sleep, instead of me just laying in the dark thinking about dying.
I'm sorry this post is so sad. But I am sad. And I think I need help.
 
P

Purpleplum

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Don't be sorry be sorry about being sad. That's accepted here. It sounds like you're feeling empty. What does a partner relationship give you that those other relationships do not?
 
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Irrationallyrational

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Don't be sorry be sorry about being sad. That's accepted here. It sounds like you're feeling empty. What does a partner relationship give you that those other relationships do not?
It gives me a sense of security, and a sort of unconditional love I guess
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

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Hello Beth. Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry you are feeling so alone. Have you ever had any therapy?
 
S

Sarah2020

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Hi Beth,

it sounds like you need to speak to a psychologist or psychiatrist. I was recently diagnosed with BPD. For years I attributed my depression, apathy, suicidal ideation and mood swings to depression and environmental stressors. I never identified with key diagnostic categories for BPD, such as fear of abandonment and inability to maintain relationships. While I am emotionally unstable due to depression, I am good in relationships. Anyway less about me trying to grasp all of this.

it sounds like you are feeling withdrawn from everyone around you. Losing someone you love and care about deeply so abruptly would make most people spiral into a depression. Please don’t apologise for posting a “sad” comment, that’s what these forums are for and anyone who has lived through depression, borderline personality disorder, trauma, loss, anxiety and suicidal ideation can relate.

it’s good to hear your new meds are helping you sleep. I found that was one of my biggest issues, insomnia, leading to feeling apathetic or unmotivated due to fatigue during the day, then insomnia again, spiralling into depression, apathy and thinking about suicide everyday.

I have felt this way for 20 years. Only now do I feel like I am getting the help I need to stabilise my moods and be aware of my depression as part of a bigger enduring personality profile. It’s hard to accept. It’s easier to accept you are experiencing a mental health condition such as depression which will be treated and overcome.To identify with this new label BPD, is challenging, because I never viewed my mental health issues as part of my personality.

anyway.Your sadness is real. You have been through so much recently, coupled with the Covid-19 changes and stress. Sounds like you have one med which is helping. Is it an antidepressant or benzodiazepine? I have been prescribed a number of medications and they have helped me overcome my suicidal ideation. I still feel somewhat unmotivated or withdrawn, but not apathetic and wanting to just lie as you say in a dark room unable to move or do anything. Oh so many days and nights I have felt that way. Therapy helps.

what have you tried so far?

sarah2020

My name is Beth and I have BPD.

“It usually tells me to kill myself and hurt myself everyday. I'm on new medication which I like to take because it usually makes me sleepy enough to actually sleep, instead of me just laying in the dark thinking about dying.
I'm sorry this post is so sad. But I am sad. And I think I need help.”
 
I

Irrationallyrational

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Joined
Oct 2, 2020
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Location
Uckfield
Hello Beth. Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry you are feeling so alone. Have you ever had any therapy?
Yes I've had lots of therapy, and I am currently on a waiting list for more
 
I

Irrationallyrational

Member
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Messages
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Location
Uckfield
Hi Beth,

it sounds like you need to speak to a psychologist or psychiatrist. I was recently diagnosed with BPD. For years I attributed my depression, apathy, suicidal ideation and mood swings to depression and environmental stressors. I never identified with key diagnostic categories for BPD, such as fear of abandonment and inability to maintain relationships. While I am emotionally unstable due to depression, I am good in relationships. Anyway less about me trying to grasp all of this.

it sounds like you are feeling withdrawn from everyone around you. Losing someone you love and care about deeply so abruptly would make most people spiral into a depression. Please don’t apologise for posting a “sad” comment, that’s what these forums are for and anyone who has lived through depression, borderline personality disorder, trauma, loss, anxiety and suicidal ideation can relate.

it’s good to hear your new meds are helping you sleep. I found that was one of my biggest issues, insomnia, leading to feeling apathetic or unmotivated due to fatigue during the day, then insomnia again, spiralling into depression, apathy and thinking about suicide everyday.

I have felt this way for 20 years. Only now do I feel like I am getting the help I need to stabilise my moods and be aware of my depression as part of a bigger enduring personality profile. It’s hard to accept. It’s easier to accept you are experiencing a mental health condition such as depression which will be treated and overcome.To identify with this new label BPD, is challenging, because I never viewed my mental health issues as part of my personality.

anyway.Your sadness is real. You have been through so much recently, coupled with the Covid-19 changes and stress. Sounds like you have one med which is helping. Is it an antidepressant or benzodiazepine? I have been prescribed a number of medications and they have helped me overcome my suicidal ideation. I still feel somewhat unmotivated or withdrawn, but not apathetic and wanting to just lie as you say in a dark room unable to move or do anything. Oh so many days and nights I have felt that way. Therapy helps.

what have you tried so far?

sarah2020

My name is Beth and I have BPD.

“It usually tells me to kill myself and hurt myself everyday. I'm on new medication which I like to take because it usually makes me sleepy enough to actually sleep, instead of me just laying in the dark thinking about dying.
I'm sorry this post is so sad. But I am sad. And I think I need help.”
Hi Sarah2020

Thank you so much for your kind words, if anything I feel like us borderlines can relate more strongly to others and can always offer the best support to everyone but ourselves. So thank you, it's nice to know there's at least a few people out there who can understand my pain and struggles. I think my meds are antidepressant, it's Mirtzapine? It seems to be helping just slightly at the moment, I'm not spending every second of every day thinking about killing myself at least.
I wish things were easier.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

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May 25, 2020
Messages
5,157
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Yes I've had lots of therapy, and I am currently on a waiting list for more
It is good to hear you are on the waiting list for more therapy. I found that helped me the most. I am truly sorry for your pain. Bpd is so overwhelming and it can help to find others who understand. You will find a lot of support on here.
 
W

WhySoSerious

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Oct 16, 2019
Messages
301
Location
UK
I am always intrigued when people say things aren't changing. I am wondering what behaviourally you have changed? I am interested because we (as BPD or suspected BPD people) want things to change without doing much ourselves. Whilst that makes complete sense (why wouldn't anyone want that!?) it is often not based in reality.

I notice that you said you are on a waiting list for therapy and had "a lot" already. I am just wondering what you expect will be different this time around compared to previous attempts? What type of therapy are they offering?

I am a huge advocate for DBT but that means changing ALOT of behaviours day-to-day and can feel exhausting.

What behaviours tend to get in the way of things feeling better? For example, avoidance, laying in bed when unhappy, pushing people away, self-harming, alcohol or drug use etc?
 
B

beautywithin

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Joined
Jul 10, 2020
Messages
83
Location
UK
Hello,

My name is Beth and I have BPD. I am struggling so much to deal with it all these days. My fiancée left me in May with absolutely no warning and I miss her terribly. I talk to strangers online hoping to find some sort of connection, something to keep me going. I don't know if I'm lonely. I'm constantly surrounded by people. Family when I'm home, colleagues when I'm at work, friends when I'm out. The world goes on and on continuously and yet I am still stuck here, trying to get through the day. At least today the BPD voice in my head hasn't screamed at me too much. It usually tells me to kill myself and hurt myself everyday. I'm on new medication which I like to take because it usually makes me sleepy enough to actually sleep, instead of me just laying in the dark thinking about dying.
I'm sorry this post is so sad. But I am sad. And I think I need help.
Don't apologise for been sad and wanting to say it to people that may understand. There is no shame in reaching out. Sometimes you can be surround by people and even let them in so far as to how your feeling and still feel alone. That's just something I know I go through when im feeling my self slipping, but be kind to your self. Please continue to reach out for help you have been through a lot lately its ok your feeling this way x
 
Prince of Cinders

Prince of Cinders

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Sep 12, 2020
Messages
136
Location
Suffolk, VA
As much as I want to say "things will get better".....at this point, i genuinely don't believe they do. Maybe they will for you, OP, but for some of us....it's just all downhill from here. Best of luck.
 
S

Sarah2020

Member
Joined
Oct 2, 2020
Messages
18
Location
Australia
Hi Sarah2020

Thank you so much for your kind words, if anything I feel like us borderlines can relate more strongly to others and can always offer the best support to everyone but ourselves. So thank you, it's nice to know there's at least a few people out there who can understand my pain and struggles. I think my meds are antidepressant, it's Mirtzapine? It seems to be helping just slightly at the moment, I'm not spending every second of every day thinking about killing myself at least.
I wish things were easier.
Hi Beth,

Thank you for reaching out! It is therapeutic to be able to talk openly about what we are going through with someone who understands the struggles, the torture and torment.

I’m happy to hear your meds are working, at least stopping your suicidal thoughts. I have had the same experience. After spending years avoiding medication and not taking the right ones, I have found one that has stopped years of on and off again debilitating suicidal ideation. Earlier this year I was so apathetic, paralysed and thought of nothing but wanting to die. Today, with medication and treatment I am also in a place where I at least don’t want to kill myself. My meds are a combination. I take the antidepressant every morning then others to help me calm down at night so I can sleep.

I spent my life on this roller coaster. Always diagnosing the episodes of major clinical depression or anxiety, however all psychs missed the borderline diagnosis. Now it makes sense, I can see the months between episodes where I was unstable or suicidal but not clinically depressed, or maybe I was. Both conditions overlap.

were you first diagnosed with clinical depression as well?

hope to talk with you more!

Sarah
 
I

Irrationallyrational

Member
Joined
Oct 2, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Uckfield
Hi Beth,

Thank you for reaching out! It is therapeutic to be able to talk openly about what we are going through with someone who understands the struggles, the torture and torment.

I’m happy to hear your meds are working, at least stopping your suicidal thoughts. I have had the same experience. After spending years avoiding medication and not taking the right ones, I have found one that has stopped years of on and off again debilitating suicidal ideation. Earlier this year I was so apathetic, paralysed and thought of nothing but wanting to die. Today, with medication and treatment I am also in a place where I at least don’t want to kill myself. My meds are a combination. I take the antidepressant every morning then others to help me calm down at night so I can sleep.

I spent my life on this roller coaster. Always diagnosing the episodes of major clinical depression or anxiety, however all psychs missed the borderline diagnosis. Now it makes sense, I can see the months between episodes where I was unstable or suicidal but not clinically depressed, or maybe I was. Both conditions overlap.

were you first diagnosed with clinical depression as well?

hope to talk with you more!

Sarah
Hi Sarah,

I'm sorry you've had such a tough time of things. Borderline can be so very exhausting at the best of times.
I've mostly been diagnosed with anxiety and PTSD over the years, which I agree I have, as well as BPD.

I don't particularly like labelling myself in anyway but I welcome the BPD label as I hope it will help me to get the correct therapy that I need.
I'm still awaiting another mental health assessment, that should be next week so hopefully the next steps will be taken for me.

I hope you are well.

Beth (Irrationally rational)
 
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