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Nothing appeals to me...

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diana27

New member
Joined
Oct 13, 2019
Messages
2
Location
LA
I open the fridge.
That's My food right there.
Yet I'm repulsed by it. All of it.
I don't want to eat it. I remind myself with a vivid imagination on how quick and easy it will be, the process it takes to heat it up or prepare. I imagine it hot.
And still nothing appeals to me.
What I kept telling myself was that it's guilt. I'm not eating because I feel guilt.
But why eating? When was the first time I willed myself into locking my jaws shut?
There has been all kinds of abuse at home. Always. My grandma was always the first to shame my body. Or somehow make it a subject. I learned to purge from her. I didn't do it often, but it was there, like an option. On nights when I ate too much.
I felt like I always struggled with my weight. Until I didn't. I came to a point when I just stopped feeling the need to change. I began loving my body more and more over the years. Feeling sexy. Two piece bikini.

But then last year, and approximately this time of year I starved myself for the first time. Unresolved issues resurfaced and spiralled me straight to hell.
And just when I learned to love my body it changed. But it no long played a role in who I am.
So why am I starving myself?

I remember a conversation I had with a friend about food. He was trying to make big changes but he always ate too little. I work with children and most of my conversations have revolved around the significance of the early years and how it plays a role in adulthood. I asked him what his early years with food was like. And it was like this: forced to sit with his food when it was decided he should eat, whether he was hungry or not. Sometimes he would be locked in his seat for long periods of time. Over an hour sometimes. He just did not want to eat and the punishment way of approach ruined his relationship with food.
I work with a little boy who's mother is just awesome! She's studying to be a therapist and is so open and easygoing with her boy. This is the first time I worked with a child I did not have to force feed on schedule. I keep fruit on the table for him to munch on as he pleases between anything else he feels like doing. He eats as much as any 2 year old would and he tells me when he's hungry (which is yes or no as I ask him throughout the day). When he's hungry he will sit and eat and engage wonderfully! There are some days he won't eat more than a few bites but even then we don't make him.

I have been thinking about my earliest experiences with food and the first time I began resisting. Though I have no recollection of this, my mother had told me that when I was a little girl I refused to eat anything I knew was animal. My father had taken me along to his farm and I witnessed him slaughter maybe a goat or another animal he was going to cook later. Knowing the kind of parents I had, they probably tried to pursued me or trick me into eating. My father especially was manipulative.

Wow I came to realize all this as I typed it out. This is going to be a lot of work.

There was already so much violence at home... for a little girl to watch a beautiful animal be killed... traumatizing!

Along with my struggle to eat but I'm struggling with anger and trying not to keep losing track of time on these twisted, violent thoughts that wonder their way in.
I feel the need to break things. I fantasize about fighting people and really causing harm. I imagine serious self harm.
I can't help it.

I just remember this anorexic girl I had met in a mental institution. We cried together once. I told her I was sexually abused and she went on to tell me she too was abused. By her uncle and grandfather. She told me her grandfather would always call her pretty, emphasizing the importance of her staying pretty. Something my own family always emphasized on: skinny = beautiful.


We all have so much to heal from.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
calypso

calypso

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:welcome: to the forum. I think you answered a lot of your own queries writing that. No wonder you have such a difficult relationship with food. It must have been so traumatising as a child growing up with all that. I think you would benefit greatly from therapy of some kind. You can learn different ways of approaching your memories and past pain.

I'm not skinny! But I have the same problem with food in one way. I look at it and suddenly find I don't want it no matter how appetising it looks. I find I am guilty of snacking through the day rather than eating healthily. Its different from you I appreciate that, but I also have an unhealthy relationship with food.

I hope others will be along soon with better insight than me
 
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diana27

New member
Joined
Oct 13, 2019
Messages
2
Location
LA
:welcome: to the forum. I think you answered a lot of your own queries writing that. No wonder you have such a difficult relationship with food. It must have been so traumatising as a child growing up with all that. I think you would benefit greatly from therapy of some kind. You can learn different ways of approaching your memories and past pain.

I'm not skinny! But I have the same problem with food in one way. I look at it and suddenly find I don't want it no matter how appetising it looks. I find I am guilty of snacking through the day rather than eating healthily. Its different from you I appreciate that, but I also have an unhealthy relationship with food.

I hope others will be along soon with better insight than me
Thank you for the reply. Insight is always welcome. This is just me sharing. I don't have a lot of people to talk to and I think the anonymous aspect of a forum appeals to me. I've been my own therapist for a long time now. I have thought about going back, but with no insurance or money, therapy is not an option.
 
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