not waving......

nonotme

nonotme

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#1
odd day, very perplexed feeling about myself and my non life.


here is my towel, I'm throwing it in.
 
Trinity11

Trinity11

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#2
Don't do that, just fold it up and put it in the drawer until you feel a little better. I hope that you have a good and long sleep tonight and wake feeling a little better. If you are like me, it's going to keep coming and going so rest when you can or whilst the baby sleeps I usually say.
 
nonotme

nonotme

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#3
just taken sleeping pills so i hope to sleep for 12 hrs as I can't face being awake. I need to answer accusations from some one but can't face it tonioght....

i am so tierd now.
 
nonotme

nonotme

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#4
today has been rough, can't relate to much of it an dI have to go out later can't get out of it. feeling low, ill and stupid.

taxi for one please to hell.................
 
nonotme

nonotme

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#5
its a struggle today. my daughter went out for me so I have no retunred to my cell for the rest of today.. even when I was I was gutted it was anew day. I don't want to be awake. not saying I want to be dead or to die, but i have no time in being awake.

jesus. i fucking hate depression.
 
nonotme

nonotme

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#6
well i slept three hours.... must have needed it. now i feel awake but no brighter. still can't see the point intoday, but I have washed up so one job done today.
 
nonotme

nonotme

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#7
mood has been really low the last 36 hrs

can't get my head to settle.

really do feel like I have had enough with it all.
 
nonotme

nonotme

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#8
hey , sorry not much to sya, just need to write stuff down from my head, I had a really bad night very restless and woke feeling much the same as yesterday, i'm on the floor mood wise and not sure how I can get it up.

just going to take it easy see if it will balance out on its own.


take care everyone.
 
nonotme

nonotme

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#9
thanks


no stable today, really not sure what my next move should be. maybe nothing today. shut curtains and watch a movie...
 
nonotme

nonotme

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#10
and now we get tot he self hate bit of the day... the name calling has started and the thoughts of doing stuff to myself id running wild inside my head.

the joys... sorry need to vent day.
 
nonotme

nonotme

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#11
well the joys of family life ay.... the party started today again, everyone saying what they think or in the case, what they don't think about me.

I am an outsider, always have been but its too much, and has cost too much. I ahve right now nothing to live for.

I am over 20,000£ in debt from a decade ago, I live in a council flat I can just about afford for the next few weeks.. I don't have any food in, I can think what to do next, I stink its not like i wnat to be me any longer. I don'[t want to be alive, I'm not sure I wnat to kill myself ( dying from a heart attack would be the best option, people might be sad but that will know it was natural)

i am really and truly fucked up.
 
Nikita

Nikita

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#12
I am sorry you feel so bad nonot me.Have you discussed your difficulties with paying the rent with the council,they may be able to help and stop the situation ending up with you being evicted.

I know you feel bad is it your mental health causing your pain and distress or do you have physical health problems too?I wish I could help you,I do care.Have you been to citizen's advice about your debt,they may be able to get it written off...there are ways to wipe the slate clear.

Please do not think of dying or see that as a way out.You're life is valuable and it is important to strive to live it and become well and do your best for yourself even if it seems right now that nobody else cares.
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

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#13
i hope you do not die ,you are my friend ,you are a good person and much loved on this forum and the real world
im sorry things are so tough but there is a way through this i promise
i think you should consider applying for PIP that would help ease your financial struggles xx
 
nonotme

nonotme

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#14
i think you should consider applying for PIP that would help ease your financial struggles xx
hey and thank you,

I failed twice for DLA and didn't have the fight in me for it, so I can't see me getting anywhere with PIP, but I will look at it again.

Nikita, thank you a long talk was had with the council about my rent and I did make a payment and are making payments to pay off the arrea's now (you know who you are) I had help.

the debt isn't thr worst thing its under a managemnet plan, which if I can stick to I get through the month, its if I need anything, I struggle. I don't expect t be able to live it up on benefits but being able to have acup of coffee out some weeks would be nice.... and I will be ok when I get to the 20th May I have extra food money as I paid one bill early but its caused me to be short now.

money really dosn't help my health issues and i know I should be have better for a man of my age, again this don't help my illness and I am calling myself names all the time, like "you thick useless ****"has been todays hapopy mantra.

anyone i am away to my bed now. thanks to everyone for todays support, reaf friends, real famly.
 
Binca

Binca

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#15
I could have written that myself. I call myself horrible names, am depressed, and my family have turned their backs on me pretty much. The difference is that i did get DLA and i did get PIP. It makes the world of difference. I got DLA based on a phone conversation with the decision maker. He was calling me to tell me i was not going to be awarded it actually, but we talked and then my nana spoke to him and i got it. With PIP again, my psychiatrist could not support me, so it was me and the assessor and my letter to the decision maker that made the difference.

What i am trying to say is that you must keep applying over and over and that you are not alone in being alone and in being unfairly treated by family or others. It is so wrong that people are losing PIP because with a disability like this, money to treat yourself to a coffee is the difference between an hour of anguish and an hour of comfort.

Regarding consolidating debts, they tend to encourage that now more than debt relief orders because for the former, the debtors get their money back. I worked at CAB for a short time in this area and those with mental health diagnoses were applying for DRO's. Now, it is consolidation. I think you should look into DRO's yourself. There is a phone number you can ring them direct and not go through CAB. They are very helpful and can do it all for you over the phone. It's worth a try and will free up some money.

As for everything else, it is a daily struggle i know, but take it one day at a time.

With love
Binca
 
Binca

Binca

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#17
Get out of bed and get down to the doctors if you have reached your coping limit. I sit there until they do something when it gets that bad.

Keep fighting. The bad times come and go.
 
Binca

Binca

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#18
When in the depths of despair, when i know i have to endure it and there is no solution like a change in medication, i do internet searches for poems about depression. They really help me as they show me that since the beginning of time, people have been depressed. They have written poetry about it, but they have also painted it. Picasso and Van Gogh to name two. If you type in a search engine depression and art or sadness and art, images, there are so many and putting an image or words to how you feel is helpful. Someone else's images and words if you cannot find your own.

I also have books written by people who have been depressed and i pick them up when i cannot cope. It helps me. I know there is a stage of depression where these things are not helpful, and i don't know where you are on the scale at the moment, but for me there are parts in the day which are far worse than others, where i lose touch with the world for a while.

I hope that you are feeling a bit more able to cope now at 17.02, the evening coming, the daylight fading. I can now open my curtains and the light is really nice, slightly pink. It smells of rain and i can hear rush hour, those people going home from work. That's potentially a trigger for sadness, that they are lucky enough to be able to go to work, but now i accept that my life is different to theirs. I like that i don't have to go to work, no pressure on me, that all i need to do is keep myself alive. That is work enough.

Love
Binca
 
nonotme

nonotme

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#19
a little brighter today, not putting too much into it has my mood can change so quickly but ay, fingers crossed :)