Not wanting to be okay/ Fear of recovery

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msophie

Member
Joined
Jun 19, 2018
Messages
14
I find it hard to describe what I've been feeling recently and taking about it makes me feel really ashamed - but I can't tolerate being okay. I was diagnosed with BPD a few months ago and August and September were two of the most difficult months of my life, with me feeling depressed, empty and suicidal everyday. By the end of September I was begging my GP to do something (as my CMHT had left me with no support) and felt like I was out of options. Then uni started and things got harder at first but then it was like a switch was flicked and for the last 2 or 3 weeks I've been feeling okay. I mean, my relationship, anger and SH problems are present as always but apart from some evenings where I had to call the samaritans my mood has been okay. And for some reason I can't deal with that (which makes me feel very ashamed and leads me to SH almost everyday).

I honestly feel so weird about it, especially as everyone only ever talks about wanting to be okay, wishing their suffering would stop etc. And I mean, I feel the same when I'm bad, felt that way throughout all of summer, but apparently some part of me doesn't want to feel better. I'm not sure if it's confusion (because how did I go from very suicidal to apparently okay?!) or because I have identity issues and feel like I'm completely empty without BPD (even though BPD comes with chronic emptiness for me ugh). I think what could feed into it is that I've experienced a lot of invalidation from MH professionals, always being told I seemed fine (I am very high functioning). It was so difficult to be taken seriously and to finally be seen by a psychiatrist and then a consultant (who at first claimed everything was fine because I had some friends and was in education). Suddenly feeling okay makes me feel like a massive fraud, like I'm bringing things on myself and like all these people were right, I don't need or deserve help. For some reason, feeling okay feels very invalidating. Part of it may be because I don't have any emotional permanence so I think I'll always feel okay now and probably just made everything up in my head. I'm wondering whether this whole thing is just self-destructiveness or whether I'm only feeling okay compared to a period of feeling very suicidal and whether I'm struggling because I makes me feel like I can relate less to others.

Anyway, I feel like I'm self-gaslighting (is that a thing?!) and I'm worried about having that attitude when I finally start DBT because why would I not want to get better? I don't really get it, I only know that it makes me feel horrible and ashamed. I feel like I have completely lost it. Have any of you had similar feelings or are any of you afraid of letting go of BPD? I'm sorry for the long ramble.
 
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msophie

Member
Joined
Jun 19, 2018
Messages
14
Hey,
thank you for your reply! I think that's part of it. I feel like BPD is the only thing I know, like the only identity. I think I would be okay with change through therapy though, what scares me is feeling better all of sudden, the extreme switching confuses me so much, especially when I have fought so much to be seen by someone and then suddenly feel like I don't need it anymore.
 
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