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    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Not too sure where to talk about my issue...

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Wjr1002

Member
Joined
Feb 10, 2020
Messages
7
Location
UK
I've lived what can only be described as a mundane life made unbearable by my toxic self. I am blessed to have loads of friends, a loving family and a lot of confidence in myself but I have a tendency to ruin every situation I am in.

I have a very toxic nature. I have had to come to terms with that but now that I can see it, it seems worse. I will draw people in into a very intense relationship, whether that be friendship or more, only to push them away if they get too close. I also have a shocking temper that has ruined other people's lives in the past. One of my best friends doesn't trust me because I tore her life apart. I broke others down to crying and panic attacks. The worst was a girl Rebecca. She tried to kill herself because of me.
Now I look at myself I see a bully with nice qualities. I can be kind and caring and pick people up at their lowest but I still feel a destructive wave coming.

I also lack motivation for anything. I'm a mathematics student at university and I go to all my lectures but I never want to be there. I want to be great at something but I only ever feel average. Same goes for when I talk to new people. I never know what to say and would rather just disappear than meet other people.

I know this isn't a typical post on here and that I'm not exactly desperate for help but someone to talk to would be very appreciated.
 
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ReamaDraw

New member
Joined
Feb 10, 2020
Messages
2
Location
California, USA
I can understand the lack of motivation. As well as pushing people away if they get too close.
 
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Wjr1002

Member
Joined
Feb 10, 2020
Messages
7
Location
UK
I just don't know how to find that inspiration to do what I want or how to maintain a healthy relationship
 
M

Murphy

Member
Joined
Feb 9, 2020
Messages
10
Location
Cf72
Go to your gp. You can get help always. You have to learn to understand and love yourself to then have good relationships. Joining this forum is the first step. I have just joined to reach out as knew needed to talk.
 
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Wjr1002

Member
Joined
Feb 10, 2020
Messages
7
Location
UK
Go to your gp. You can get help always. You have to learn to understand and love yourself to then have good relationships. Joining this forum is the first step. I have just joined to reach out as knew needed to talk.
I think I needed to get it off my chest first. If it becomes more of an issue I will deffo see a GP.
 
D

Deeqok

Member
Joined
Feb 10, 2020
Messages
11
Location
Edinburgh
I would go now.
Why in all honesty wait?
For what?
Summer?
Christmas?
Make an appointment and see if can start to change things...
It's got to be a real big positive for you...🤔😃👍
 
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Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
1,780
Location
London, ON
What makes you lash out like that? Where does it come from?

What do you get out of acting like that?

Figuring out those answers might not solve things, but it could give you an idea where to start from.

I'm not making any guesses, but, I've been that person, too. I still can be, I just refuse to indulge in it. Which makes it sound like it's easy, and it isn't.

You don't have to give me answers, but you need to find those causes within yourself. then, you can figure out how to minimize those tendancies.
 
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Wjr1002

Member
Joined
Feb 10, 2020
Messages
7
Location
UK
What makes you lash out like that? Where does it come from?

What do you get out of acting like that?

Figuring out those answers might not solve things, but it could give you an idea where to start from.

I'm not making any guesses, but, I've been that person, too. I still can be, I just refuse to indulge in it. Which makes it sound like it's easy, and it isn't.

You don't have to give me answers, but you need to find those causes within yourself. then, you can figure out how to minimize those tendancies.
Normally it's if I feel attacked but it has to be something quite harsh to trigger it or at least something brought up that is very personal. I used to have quite good control over my emotions but I seem to have lost that recently. I know it never ends well but I am fully out of control when I lose it. I never hurt anyone physically but will abuse them verbally which is just as bad.

I think it comes down to me feeling quite protective of a lot of things. Whether that be friends, family or me, as soon as that line is crossed where I feel something bad could happen to anyone I'm close to I will lash out. Also happens when people break promises.
 
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Wjr1002

Member
Joined
Feb 10, 2020
Messages
7
Location
UK
I would go now.
Why in all honesty wait?
For what?
Summer?
Christmas?
Make an appointment and see if can start to change things...
It's got to be a real big positive for you...🤔😃👍
Well I did try the GP last year when I was dealing with some other mental health difficulties but his advice was counselling but warned me that it will take a good few months to get an appointment, by which time I would have left uni to go home for summer.
 
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Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
1,780
Location
London, ON
I can relate to that. I'm getting far better at controlling it, but it takes practice. I still have issues with it when somebody hurts somebody I care about.

In a way, that's more dangerous than being mean or spiteful - because it's in a good cause, we feel justified in crossing a line.

does your school have a counselling service? Here, where I live, we also have crisis drop in centers, who offer counselling as you need it. More importantly, they are familiar with our health system, and all the local resources for mental health. They are great at helping to find help, and navigating the system.

The fact your asking about this shows you are still a decent person.
 
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Wjr1002

Member
Joined
Feb 10, 2020
Messages
7
Location
UK
I can relate to that. I'm getting far better at controlling it, but it takes practice. I still have issues with it when somebody hurts somebody I care about.

In a way, that's more dangerous than being mean or spiteful - because it's in a good cause, we feel justified in crossing a line.

does your school have a counselling service? Here, where I live, we also have crisis drop in centers, who offer counselling as you need it. More importantly, they are familiar with our health system, and all the local resources for mental health. They are great at helping to find help, and navigating the system.

The fact your asking about this shows you are still a decent person.
Unfortunately no sort of help directly from the school. They refer you to external mental health support services but they aren't very good. And even if I did book in for the support the waiting list would be months long.
 
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