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OBIWAN

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 7, 2009
Messages
185
Hi,I recently posted a thread on introducing myself and graced over certain things that were happening so this time Im going to talk about myself this time and the experiences I am experiancing.Basically had a breakdown about 4 years ago so booked myself into a crisis team,I moved back from Liverpool to My home town thinking being around people I know would help me with my recovery.The doctor put me on cytroplan I think there called,he diagnosed me with having re active depression to me I think its a little bit more than that. When I did move from Liverpool nothing was familar I had 2 months off work couldnt sleep properly experiancing panic atttacks continuosly,suicide was on my mind for about 3 months,I say my mind but the feeling and thought kept repeating in my mind I had no control over these.People when talking to me felt as though they were attacking me,I had thoughts they were going to harm me in a particular way,even family and friends,I was scared and felt like running and hiding,I couldn't cry even though I wanted to,but my tension in my head was over whelming.These started wearing down and the tension also but tension is still there but not as bad and I'm some what kind of in control of my thoughts.at the present moment I'm going through moods,mainly feel as though I am constanly in a flat emotion,cry at inappropiate moments,feeling like crying when talking to people and I feel I need to talk when really nothing needs to be said the pressure of people around me is over whelming.Its like im aware of everything that is around me,cant relax in company feel I need to run somewhere but where.I currently came off the medication thinking I could handle all this but Its not going away,I dont really want to become a pill taker like my mother who has paranoid schizophrenia,I ment pill taker in the kindest words so apoligies if I offended.To me I have a mixture of everything and cannot put a finger on it.If only someone could.Hope to hear a reply and thanks for reading this thread.
 
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Dollit

Guest
I don't think any of us want to be pill takers but for some of use, and that includes me, taking pills is the way forward. They put me into a place where I can function and get well. The combination I'm on now is good for me and with the absolute minimum of side effects. But there have been times when I've stopped taking the medication to see how far I get and I end up a mess in no time.

Why do you think you have more than reactive depression? Did you get an explanation for your diagnosis?
 
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OBIWAN

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 7, 2009
Messages
185
Hi again

Well I didnt really get an explanation at all,but circumstances play a big part when I first went really bad I was on my own in a flat away from home,no one to see,I had to move out and it it was a big stress,I did have a major what I call a break down my head felt like it exploded and I didnt know who I was anymore and to some degree I still dont,lost all interest in things I used to enjoy.I know im speaking negative but I just dont get the enjoyment out of them anymore.My mums a paranoid schizophrenic and my dad was definately well, not well in the head some where, so growing up in this situation as a child looking back was chaotic you had to form your own world.I think the doctor diagnosed me with reactive depression because it is the form usually related to someone who has grown up with a parent with lets say mental illness.My emotions are not right at all and I think this is all due to my parents,dont get me wrong im not blaming them But I do believe you form a good emotional sytem if you are bought up in a lets say normal family.What im trying to say is my reations to my parents as im growing up has and is coming across to normal people,Im so bloody paranoid and stuff this is doing my nut in.But it does help being aware of myself unfornately my mother doesnt think she has anything wrong with her
 
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OBIWAN

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 7, 2009
Messages
185
referring to my dad

Hi I just like to say I ment not well in my thread before referring to my dad/thanks
 
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Dollit

Guest
Reactive depression means that you've become depressed because of something so, yes your parents could have something to do with it. But your having to move out of your flat could have been the thing you were reacting to also. If it's reactive then in theory it's about finding the root cause and removing it if possible or learning to adapt to it.

Growing up is pretty hard as it is without having the added stresses of parents who aren't quite there for whatever reason.
 
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OBIWAN

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 7, 2009
Messages
185
reactive

I think mainly for me the reactive has something definately to do with my mother and the way she is,all my life it was constant struggle like a war to do the right thing all the time if not,hell broke loose.Her anger when growing up when I think about was terrible.She talks to people that arent there but to her they are so I was taking all this in when growing up,her moods,what can I say-everywhere ranging from esatactic to a angry,good for nothing.I do love my mother or want too but I dont think I know what love is,I get very confused.To love I think you have too be shown love.My mum shows it in certain ways like cooking and feeding you thats about it.I've told her I love her on occasions hoping she would change or help or maybe say it back to me but nothing.I find it very hard to accept her illness thinking i can do things around the house.buy new curtains do a bit of house work but this never works,sometimes I have a strong feeling of just moving out and leaving her for carers to do the job,but I know she would be in hospital agin in no time. I have 2 brothers who I think do little they have there own life,but to me there doing exactly what everyone in my mums family did and pushed her out and didnt visit again,I know hate is a strong word but I do hate them for this,its about understanding the situation and not throwing it in the bin.
 
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Dollit

Guest
Your carer situation is more typical than you would think. Quite often the role of carer falls on one member of the family and the others back off. They put the role of carer in the hands of the one who is usually (geographically) the nearest. People don't like sickness of any sort and a chronic mental health problem is probably most person's worst fear. Don't hate them but their lack of imagination and understanding.

I really don't find it surprising that you feel the way you do. You're trying to cope under very trying circumstances and it's not easy.
 
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OBIWAN

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 7, 2009
Messages
185
Much appreciated

Your understanding is much appreciated thankyou.Just having someone to say and understand helps alot.Discussing the situation with people you know doesnt always work out right,especially when emotions are involved and thanks again I may do a journal on here in the future just so I can get stuff off my chest which hopefully people will read and respond too,thanks again
 
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Dollit

Guest
It does help having this forum to fall back on. It's safe and friendly but also anonymous too. I'm glad you're feeling some benefit from being here.
 
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TOONAFISH

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 23, 2008
Messages
2,686
Location
Bonnie Scotland
Morning and hugs:hug:

I thought that reactional depression was when life events triggered the depression, and it does sound like you have that. As far as thought being controlled i felt similar when i wnet through my worst kind of depressionand i was on anti physcotic meds too as well as my anti d.

I think you sound like you need to get more help with how you are feeling.

And i wouldnt worry about taking pills, they are my saviour for now and i have no probs being a pill pusher.

here to chat if you need to xxx
 
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OBIWAN

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 7, 2009
Messages
185
Thankyou

Just to say thanks for support toonafish,That spell I had when I first hit rock bottom with myself was very scary indeed and looking back I dont know how I managed to cope with it,I was angry all the time,all over headaches thought there was something wrong with my brain,couldnt move out of bed or anything felt like I was dying,I mean really felt like I was dying.But 3 years on still get milder syptoms and stuff but are manageble but sometimes wish I was my old self,hopefully in another 3 years it could be possible,we'll see.
 
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