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Not Sure

B

Beth9

Member
Joined
Aug 10, 2021
Messages
5
Location
Minneapolis, MN
I don't really know why I'm even bothering to post this because it's just a shout to the void and nothing can be said that will change much. But I guess I just wanted to put it out there that I genuinely do not think I can be helped. I've been in therapy multiple times for years, on a bunch of different medications throughout the years, etc. and although there will be periods of time where I feel like I am okay, it always goes back to the emptiness and pointlessness. And I really just am not sure if I can continue doing that for the rest of my life. Because it inevitably comes back. There's no end to it. Only momentarily. Just like everything else in life. And I know that one could argue then that pain is temporary as well, which is true. But I am just maddeningly slowly getting through one of the worst depressive episodes I've ever had in my life (for the last 6/7 months) and they get worse each time over and over again. And I hardly survived this one. I don't know if I will be able to hold on for another one. I know I have a very nihilistic world view when I get like this, but even when I am more okay than I am now, it's always there. I think my thinking and who I am is just incapable of being helped.
And the worst thing: I am in a clinical psych doctoral program. So I know shit, but I just can't make myself believe it.

I don't even know if I'm looking for a response or anything. I guess I just needed to get this out into the void somehow.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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9,260
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Sheffield
I just wanted to tell you I've read your message and that you're not alone in this world.

I wish I had something profound and meaningful to say but I've only had a little experience with depression myself.

It's a long and unbelievable story but for various reasons I've had suicidal thoughts in the past and got through it with help from medication and by making adjustments to my philosophy on life.

I hope in the future you can look back on this experience and see how strong and resilient you can be. If you can get through this you can do almost anything you put your mind to.
 
MeAndMyDepression

MeAndMyDepression

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 6, 2021
Messages
1,401
Location
Punta Gorda, Florida, USA
I don't really know why I'm even bothering to post this because it's just a shout to the void and nothing can be said that will change much. But I guess I just wanted to put it out there that I genuinely do not think I can be helped. I've been in therapy multiple times for years, on a bunch of different medications throughout the years, etc. and although there will be periods of time where I feel like I am okay, it always goes back to the emptiness and pointlessness. And I really just am not sure if I can continue doing that for the rest of my life. Because it inevitably comes back. There's no end to it. Only momentarily. Just like everything else in life. And I know that one could argue then that pain is temporary as well, which is true. But I am just maddeningly slowly getting through one of the worst depressive episodes I've ever had in my life (for the last 6/7 months) and they get worse each time over and over again. And I hardly survived this one. I don't know if I will be able to hold on for another one. I know I have a very nihilistic world view when I get like this, but even when I am more okay than I am now, it's always there. I think my thinking and who I am is just incapable of being helped.
And the worst thing: I am in a clinical psych doctoral program. So I know shit, but I just can't make myself believe it.

I don't even know if I'm looking for a response or anything. I guess I just needed to get this out into the void somehow.
Hi @Beth9
Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry for your situation. Where do you think your negativity comes from?
 
S

Sugaree

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 21, 2021
Messages
494
Location
California
Welcome Beth, I understand the depths and emptiness of depression. It’s been hard to feel anything but anger and depression for me lately. I hope you keep posting,it helps.j:hug:
 
toutatis

toutatis

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 24, 2018
Messages
1,605
Location
New Zealand
Hi there Beth.

Maybe just stop doing the therapies and such and from there use the coping tools you've learned over the years to get you through. I mean, like me, there had to come a point where I said to myself 'okay, I've talked enough, I've suffered enough, I've learned enough, so that's it.' And now it's all about getting through life in one piece. I admit I have found things which give me meaning and a point to life, but obviously those things might different for you.

Carry on, fight on, I see these mental afflictions as challenges.
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,698
Location
US
Hey, Beth, welcome to the forum. You'll find posts on here that you feel you could have written yourself, and your post does this with me. It does feel like this exhausting cycle that never ends and leaves one wondering what the hell is the point. At my worst, I start to believe that there is no point and I'm pissed for even being here. But you can get through this, one step at a time, and sometimes it's a big step just to yell into the void. It's not a void. People here care and have been there as well, so you are being heard.

We are pulling for you. Are you seeing anyone professionally for your issues? I know you're in a doctoral program, but I also know that a lot of shrinks I've talked with have admitted that it almost makes it worse when they hit a wall, as everyone assumes they can handle it and somehow avoid what the disease of depression can do. We can't do it on our own sometimes, and good for you for reaching out here. xx
 
Keesha

Keesha

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Joined
Apr 19, 2019
Messages
2,996
Location
N/A
First off, welcome to the forum Beth.
Your post represents so many voices from those who suffer but can’t put it into words. When life has more suffering than joy, we do question our very existence and why we are even here.

I’ve since learned some tips which I’ve found remarkably helpful while at these desolate stages.

1/. Pull back! Every time I’ve been in a serious funk, I’ve been far too serious and looking through everything with a microscope makes everything intensified.

We don’t need to do this?

Viewing ourselves and others through a microscope makes everything seem worse.

Stepping back immediately changes our perspective since we immediately have a different angle and viewpoint.

2/. Manage just one day.
That’s really all we have. We complicate our lives by dwelling on the past or the future. Just do today.

Make sure you eat well in that day
Make sure you sleep well in that day
Organize one thing in that day
Clean something in that day
Do one thing that brings you joy in that day. Example ; walking the dog, gardening, reading, singing etc
Reflect on your day before retiring

3/. Take the focus off yourself for one hour
When you start drifting back to thinking about yourself and your problems, focus on doing something for someone else or doing something productive with your hands.

4/. Walk somewhere and appreciate the simplicity of it. Don’t judge anything about it.

Somehow when I broke down my existence into realizing I could handle ‘one day’ it really helped. It eliminated a lot of stuff I’d worry about which I didn’t have to. It simplified my thinking so I wouldn’t overwhelm myself.
 
S

SadRainbow

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 5, 2021
Messages
1,336
Location
Norfolk
Hi Beth

I'm so sorry things are so hard. I can very much relate. I too am slowly recovering (well, to be honest, I'm not sure I am actually recovering, but I'm trying) from a horrible depression that started back in April this year.

This depression has included a lot of existential distress for me. I tend to be nihilist too and lately I am really struggling with everything feeling utterly pointless. At the moment I feel like my only purpose is to try and make sure my young daughter is well and happy. Maybe then she will grow up happier than me and won't feel that life is hollow and meaningless. I suppose it's good that I have that purpose to keep me going but to be honest I feel like I'm trapped in a kind of hell until I die. I accept that it can get better, maybe even that it probably will, but like you I'm all too aware that I will have more terrible lows in the future.

But you're not alone. People here have read your post and they feel for you and wish you well. I hope that helps at least a little.
 
B

Beth9

Member
Joined
Aug 10, 2021
Messages
5
Location
Minneapolis, MN
I just wanted to tell you I've read your message and that you're not alone in this world.

I wish I had something profound and meaningful to say but I've only had a little experience with depression myself.

It's a long and unbelievable story but for various reasons I've had suicidal thoughts in the past and got through it with help from medication and by making adjustments to my philosophy on life.

I hope in the future you can look back on this experience and see how strong and resilient you can be. If you can get through this you can do almost anything you put your mind to.
Hey there. Thanks for the response. What kind of changes in your philosophy have you made?
 
B

Beth9

Member
Joined
Aug 10, 2021
Messages
5
Location
Minneapolis, MN
Hi there Beth.

Maybe just stop doing the therapies and such and from there use the coping tools you've learned over the years to get you through. I mean, like me, there had to come a point where I said to myself 'okay, I've talked enough, I've suffered enough, I've learned enough, so that's it.' And now it's all about getting through life in one piece. I admit I have found things which give me meaning and a point to life, but obviously those things might different for you.

Carry on, fight on, I see these mental afflictions as challenges.
I've tried to do that and I always end up turning to alcohol. I know it doesn't help and only makes things worse, yet I watch myself do it over and over to myself.
 
B

Beth9

Member
Joined
Aug 10, 2021
Messages
5
Location
Minneapolis, MN
Hey, Beth, welcome to the forum. You'll find posts on here that you feel you could have written yourself, and your post does this with me. It does feel like this exhausting cycle that never ends and leaves one wondering what the hell is the point. At my worst, I start to believe that there is no point and I'm pissed for even being here. But you can get through this, one step at a time, and sometimes it's a big step just to yell into the void. It's not a void. People here care and have been there as well, so you are being heard.

We are pulling for you. Are you seeing anyone professionally for your issues? I know you're in a doctoral program, but I also know that a lot of shrinks I've talked with have admitted that it almost makes it worse when they hit a wall, as everyone assumes they can handle it and somehow avoid what the disease of depression can do. We can't do it on our own sometimes, and good for you for reaching out here. xx
Hey there. Thanks for your response. Sorry for the late reply. But yes, I am seeing someone. But I'm not sure it's a good fit. I'm also seeing a new psychiatrist as well since I have just recently moved to a new state. However, I feel overmedicated and overwhelmed with everything. I've been dealing with this stuff since I was about 10, so right around 14 years now. It's just way too much sometimes.
I really appreciate your response by the way. It feels nice to know that others feel somewhat similar in some sort of way. Especially about the existential stuff. I always feel like a dumbass going through some sort of angsty phase, but I've been like this for as long as I can remember. It feels pathetic and exhausting to continue to attempt to explain to professionals who just don't seem to understand what I mean. For me, translation is one of the hardest things. To take an abstract idea and try to give it some sort of concreteness for another person to understand. I'm so tired.
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,698
Location
US
First off, welcome to the forum Beth.
Your post represents so many voices from those who suffer but can’t put it into words. When life has more suffering than joy, we do question our very existence and why we are even here.

I’ve since learned some tips which I’ve found remarkably helpful while at these desolate stages.

1/. Pull back! Every time I’ve been in a serious funk, I’ve been far too serious and looking through everything with a microscope makes everything intensified.

We don’t need to do this?

Viewing ourselves and others through a microscope makes everything seem worse.

Stepping back immediately changes our perspective since we immediately have a different angle and viewpoint.

2/. Manage just one day.
That’s really all we have. We complicate our lives by dwelling on the past or the future. Just do today.

Make sure you eat well in that day
Make sure you sleep well in that day
Organize one thing in that day
Clean something in that day
Do one thing that brings you joy in that day. Example ; walking the dog, gardening, reading, singing etc
Reflect on your day before retiring

3/. Take the focus off yourself for one hour
When you start drifting back to thinking about yourself and your problems, focus on doing something for someone else or doing something productive with your hands.

4/. Walk somewhere and appreciate the simplicity of it. Don’t judge anything about it.

Somehow when I broke down my existence into realizing I could handle ‘one day’ it really helped. It eliminated a lot of stuff I’d worry about which I didn’t have to. It simplified my thinking so I wouldn’t overwhelm myself.
screens hotted this, btw. Think it's really, really good advice. Thank you. xx
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,698
Location
US
Hey there. Thanks for your response. Sorry for the late reply. But yes, I am seeing someone. But I'm not sure it's a good fit. I'm also seeing a new psychiatrist as well since I have just recently moved to a new state. However, I feel overmedicated and overwhelmed with everything. I've been dealing with this stuff since I was about 10, so right around 14 years now. It's just way too much sometimes.
I really appreciate your response by the way. It feels nice to know that others feel somewhat similar in some sort of way. Especially about the existential stuff. I always feel like a dumbass going through some sort of angsty phase, but I've been like this for as long as I can remember. It feels pathetic and exhausting to continue to attempt to explain to professionals who just don't seem to understand what I mean. For me, translation is one of the hardest things. To take an abstract idea and try to give it some sort of concreteness for another person to understand. I'm so tired.
Hey, I hope things are going OK. Or even better than OK (can you imagine? lol). I just wanted to recommend a book to you that I read when I was told (erroneously) that I had a brain tumour and thought I had a v limited time to live. I went through a number of months just losing it, wondering where I'd be in a year (as in what the hell happens after I'm gone). That was 20 years ago, and I still recommend this book strongly to people. Gave me better perspective at a time when I was grasping for meaning and some sort of hope/answers. Awakening the Buddha Within by Lama Surya Das introduced me to buddhist philosophy and this saved me. Honestly. You don't have to go for the religious aspect, just for the philosophy.

For me, it just plain made sense out of a lot of things that make no sense in this world. I'd check out some buddhist literature if I were you. I really, really hope you use this forum and get that other people do understand, and that you seek out a new shrink who is more helpful. They can make all the difference sometimes (for better or worse). And there are DBT ones that can incorporate basic buddhist beliefs into the therapy. Hope you keep reaching out here. You are super strong, moving to a new place, going for your doctorate, and esp for fighting for 14 years against this. Remember that. You are strong and you can do this. xx
 
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