B
Beylous
New member
- Joined
- Sep 20, 2008
- Messages
- 3
As it is, things don't seem right anymore. Walking around, making sure all doors and windows are closed before I go to bed and staying for hours afterwards just in case, what the hell is that about? I try and try to fall asleep, but it doesn't feel like I've drifted off at all. Things come and go, bringing no light to darkness which fell long ago. People sometimes say that most wish bad things didn't happen when they go through it. And it's true, I wish these things didn't happen. But I've been given the good grace of guardian angels, or so I've been told. Where are they. How can I possibly know that they're with me, putting their hand on my shoulder when I lower my head and grit my teeth in agony that others will never understand. How is that one can fall more than the rest? I doubt it's true, that I'm in more despair than the next person in line on that misery trail. So much has happened, the same amount passed, but it's still there, nothing at all can take away what I can't punch or kick or even push away.
Often I wonder what the smiles are about, who has it for what reason and why they walk with such a jump in their step. I wish it could be me. Maybe some day. For now I have to prevent what I know to be the only escape, but such an escape would imprison those who love me. It won't be done in the name of anyone or anything, it can't. No more. Sometimes I do wonder though, what if, but that what if comes with consequences which will turn me from what I know will come some day. Not yet. I loved her, I loved them, I loved it, but that word holds no sway now. No more. No goodbyes yet. Not yet.
I need to sleep. I like the feel of my pillow, crunching myself up under the warm covers so what I fear won't touch me, but it takes hold of me when I open my eyes the next day. I can't escape what I know is and for some time will be. Pills make a slight difference, they take away my will and my strength, but dull the feelings that control me. The pain is still there, but under a sheet that I wish was just that much thicker. Doctors, shrinks, councillors, shit, if they had an idea then I'd be a better man for true. But they don't, so I'm not, and won't be. Let it be as they once sang, let them keep singing it. In the arms of the angel, now that's a song which I wish every day to be so.
Often I wonder what the smiles are about, who has it for what reason and why they walk with such a jump in their step. I wish it could be me. Maybe some day. For now I have to prevent what I know to be the only escape, but such an escape would imprison those who love me. It won't be done in the name of anyone or anything, it can't. No more. Sometimes I do wonder though, what if, but that what if comes with consequences which will turn me from what I know will come some day. Not yet. I loved her, I loved them, I loved it, but that word holds no sway now. No more. No goodbyes yet. Not yet.
I need to sleep. I like the feel of my pillow, crunching myself up under the warm covers so what I fear won't touch me, but it takes hold of me when I open my eyes the next day. I can't escape what I know is and for some time will be. Pills make a slight difference, they take away my will and my strength, but dull the feelings that control me. The pain is still there, but under a sheet that I wish was just that much thicker. Doctors, shrinks, councillors, shit, if they had an idea then I'd be a better man for true. But they don't, so I'm not, and won't be. Let it be as they once sang, let them keep singing it. In the arms of the angel, now that's a song which I wish every day to be so.
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