• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Not sure....

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Beylous

New member
Joined
Sep 20, 2008
Messages
3
As it is, things don't seem right anymore. Walking around, making sure all doors and windows are closed before I go to bed and staying for hours afterwards just in case, what the hell is that about? I try and try to fall asleep, but it doesn't feel like I've drifted off at all. Things come and go, bringing no light to darkness which fell long ago. People sometimes say that most wish bad things didn't happen when they go through it. And it's true, I wish these things didn't happen. But I've been given the good grace of guardian angels, or so I've been told. Where are they. How can I possibly know that they're with me, putting their hand on my shoulder when I lower my head and grit my teeth in agony that others will never understand. How is that one can fall more than the rest? I doubt it's true, that I'm in more despair than the next person in line on that misery trail. So much has happened, the same amount passed, but it's still there, nothing at all can take away what I can't punch or kick or even push away.



Often I wonder what the smiles are about, who has it for what reason and why they walk with such a jump in their step. I wish it could be me. Maybe some day. For now I have to prevent what I know to be the only escape, but such an escape would imprison those who love me. It won't be done in the name of anyone or anything, it can't. No more. Sometimes I do wonder though, what if, but that what if comes with consequences which will turn me from what I know will come some day. Not yet. I loved her, I loved them, I loved it, but that word holds no sway now. No more. No goodbyes yet. Not yet.



I need to sleep. I like the feel of my pillow, crunching myself up under the warm covers so what I fear won't touch me, but it takes hold of me when I open my eyes the next day. I can't escape what I know is and for some time will be. Pills make a slight difference, they take away my will and my strength, but dull the feelings that control me. The pain is still there, but under a sheet that I wish was just that much thicker. Doctors, shrinks, councillors, shit, if they had an idea then I'd be a better man for true. But they don't, so I'm not, and won't be. Let it be as they once sang, let them keep singing it. In the arms of the angel, now that's a song which I wish every day to be so.
 
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Apotheosis

Guest
Hi Beylous & :welcome:

I can identify with you; as I'm sure many people on here can. Things do improve, however much we think they won't at the time. I think Angels do exist; whatever they are, & wherever they are. I like to hide in bed sometimes, under a load of bedding, & with some pillows. Keep chatting on here, it helps to know we are not alone. Take care.
 
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Apotheosis

Guest
It is quite late, they are about though, probably hiding under their duvets.
 
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Beylous

New member
Joined
Sep 20, 2008
Messages
3
I wish I knew, I really do. But things I've seen in the past couple of days make me wonder what we're heading for. I don't have that blanket any more.
 
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Apotheosis

Guest
I wish I knew, I really do. But things I've seen in the past couple of days make me wonder what we're heading for. I don't have that blanket any more.
You can always PM me if you wanna chat. Do you mean stuff going on in society? in the World, or more personal stuff.
 
lucid scream

lucid scream

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 22, 2008
Messages
672
Location
Looking down from the bridge
i dont know much about guardian angels, but i know i have one. to tell you here and fests to me would sound like i might be poking fun at you, which i wont do. i can feel your hurting.
i have felt the angels presence, and i have seen him twice. he doesnt come unless i am ready to break, there is a difference between feeling im going to break and being there, being there i dont have a chance to think it, as i am in the depths of mental agony. but he comes, and does nothing but watch over me, and the warmest sense of peace and calm washes over me, until i can function again.
 
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Dollit

Guest
I talked to a really good friend once about the fear I have of impulsive suicide and he just told me that when I got like that, wherever in the world he was, I would feel his hand on my back guiding me away from the danger. If that's not a guardian angel is I don't know what is.
 
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Twylight

Guest
Hi Beylous, the first sentences of your post ( checking and worrying if windows and doors are locked ) sounds like OCD

I've had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder since I was a young teenager and it does get better

Nowadays when I double and treble check - it's just an annoyance i've learnt to live with
 
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