Not sure why I feel this way

[digithree]

I think I might have an anxiety disorder but I'm not sure if it's serious enough to really be a problem. It doesn't really seem to effect my life outwardly very much although sometimes I do get what I think are panic attacks. My pulse becomes very noticeable, blood pressure and heart rate increase and if I close my eyes I see lots of moving white lights. Often my stomach feels very weird while this is happening and I find it difficult to stop stretching my muscles as this almost gives me some mental relief, as if I'm resetting my efforts to calm down and start again, kind of saying "Ok, now I'm going to relax" to myself. But these attacks don't come often and to be honest, mostly happen after I've been drinking, i.e. on a hangover.

Day to day though I find myself going about my life on auto-pilot, it doesn't feel like it's 'me' doing anything I do, as if I'm not consciously giving instructions to my body. Everything feels like a reflex. It's like I'm watching myself. Nothing feels very real. This scares me a bit and sometimes if I become too aware of this fear I feel a brief physical panic rush, like a pins and needles sensation and I feel a bit sick.

Does anyone know of any way I can feel more comfortable in my life and my body? The physical symptoms have only developed in the last year, after I moved to London and had a few frightening experiences. I've smoked cannabis and drank alcohol for the last 9 years (although I've cut down my smoking to nearly nothing in the last year) and so mental escape has been something I've pursued. In the last 4 or 5 years I've occasionally experimented with other drugs too, seeking an altered perspective on life and also of course to feel high.

I want to feel mentally strong and safe. At the moment I feel like I'm softly on the edge, if that makes sense, that kind of feeling where you think something is just about to go very wrong. I worry I might have a seizure when I go to sleep, some times I jerk as I'm falling to sleep because it feels like my brain is switching off and, not to be too melodramatic, that I might die.

Sorry this is so long. Does anyone have any ideas of positive steps I can take? I'm kind of scared.

 

[chris232]

Do you want the good news or the bad news?

Good news, is that it's almost certainly anxiety (as I feel almost identical to you). Bad news, is that it was probably caused by cannabis use (mine was).

As for how to get over it; I've no idea. I've not been able to relax properly for 6 months now.

 

[bluenomore]

I was about to post basically the same as Chris, when I saw his post.

Much as I'd like to tell you different... cannabis can do serious damage to some people. It wasn't my main D.O.C. but It still managed to affect me in a bad way. There are several more people on this forum who have suffered with weed.

 

[digithree]

Thanks for your posts. I'd love to hear from someone who has come through this kind of experience or that deals with it and can detail what they've done. I've watched documentaries and read literature on drug taking and anxiety but they are kind of like "here's what might happen." What I want to see is the "So you're experiencing these things, here's what to do" stuff. Anyone?