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not sure where to turn

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slow jo

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Mar 28, 2008
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Hi as the title says I am not sure where to turn the last few days/weeks have been very hard, I have seen my cpn yesterday and shes made an app to see Dr next week, I can't motivate myself and have not been dressed all week,

I am in a lot of physical pain at the moment but is that because of my deprssion that i can't cope or is the depression worse because of the pain?? sorry hard one to answer i know.:cry:

I can't eat and trying not to sleep because of recurring nightmares, I really hate myself and what a burden i am to my family. just wish .... well i wont post what i wish for.

do any of you have recurring nightmares and if you do how do you cope??
I am feeling so alone right now and very scared of what my thoughts are. sorry!:scared:
 
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Michael

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Welcome to the club!
no doubt you have read a few of the threads and will see that you are not alone, this in itself helps me.
I also find that (with me) the more depression kicks in the more ill in many ways I feel, I (again me) know it is the depression and not physical - doesn't really help you though does it. I think what I am trying to say is that only you knows exactly how you are feeling, we can, will and do empathise more that I think most other people are able to. Writing like chatting to others here on the forum helps me receive and see another perspective, most times it works, some times it doesn't but at least I know I am not on my own - that for me is the important part.
Don't hesitate to tell us how you are at any time, someone will reply.

Michael
 
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slow jo

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Thanks Micheal, I just feel so low, not been this low for a while now, and thought i was over the worst, how wrong was I. When i was first depressed (3 yrs ago) I was led to beleive that after a few weeks of meds that everything would br back to normal what a joke don't know what normal is anymore.

I hate this life and me I sound so weak, but i can't cope with anything. all i have done today is cry, I don't want to live like this if i can't have my old life back then i don't know whats next. sorry thanks for letting me ramble on.
Jo
 
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Michael

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Ramble on as much as you need to, thats was how I started to get some form of semblance back - keeping it all in just lets it get all mixed up and festers.
I wish sometimes that I could just cry, it is supposedly a 'man' is it, but I still do. One thing I have found is that the more I let out the more I understand. Sounds a bit Irish, but maybe by letting it out it does release some of the pressure we feel we are under.
No easy answer, no magic pills, no promises except that we are here to listen and more importantly (I feel) to know that you are never ever alone!

Michael
 
yakuza

yakuza

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coping with nightmares

Hi,

It's a good idea to have some coping strategies in place when trying to deal with recurring nightmares.
The more that you can focus on the things that interest you (books,magazines,music,tv etc).the more the memory of the dreams will fade away.
Relaxation can also be helpful.
We all have different ways to relax; Hobbies,reading, crosswords, music, peace and quiet, work, keeping busy, being at home,at the computer, focus attention on something external or doing something useful or productive, slow breathing exercises/techniques are also helpful.

Good luck with everything :hug:
 
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Dollit

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Jo have you considered doing an Expert Patients Programme for your physical illness. They're really good and run by people who have been through the programme themselves so it's not just a doctor or a nurse telling you what to do, it's a person who knows how you feel. It's a couple of hours a week for about 6 - 8 weeks and it may help your depression as well. :hug:
 
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slow jo

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Hi thanks for your replies, no i haven't thought about doing a paitients programe, it was mentioned a few yrs ago but as i find it hard to go out and meet new people not much else was said. I have cronic arthritis in all joints and did cope well that is until lately, but as i said earlier i don't know which one is triggering which, all i know is that i feel like i can't take much more of the dreams,feeling like i deserve all this, my thoughts are all over the place and to top it all i am in a hell of alot of physical pain that even my morphine doesn't help much, sorry am beening selfcentred again but i have had enough. SORRY!
 
nickh

nickh

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jo - this is one place you can come and be totally self-centred and not worry about it at all! That is part of the point :) - ALL of us are self-centred as far as out illness is concerned and probably all of us feel guilty about being self-centred like you too! So don't worry about that.

As far as the arthritis is concerned I don't have the experience to comment really as I have no chronic physical condition. I will say that for some or many people - and I am one - depression is a very physical illness (something many people don't understand) ; my first symptoms of a bout coming on are usually a feeling of physical illness, complete lassitude, aching limbs and so on. So it could well be that your depression is affecting your arthritis. And of course the other way round too, as the arthritis must be very depressing.

I can't but give our usual advice - but re-doubled in this case - of going to see your GP. I don't know if your GP is any good but in your case they should not only be offering you advice/medication, but also referring you on to a Mental Health Team, and if they are not you should insist on this. I know this can be really hard to do when you are ill. Is there someone you could take with you to the GP?

And keep coming here and talking!

Nick.
 
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slow jo

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trigger

Hi Nick,* thank-you for your reply, I am under my local mental health team, my cpn came out on tues and again yesterday,got an app on tues to see consultant but this is a problem in it's self as this will be the 8th one in 2 yrs* and i hate going through everything all over again! I hate what i am doing to my family, i know they can only put up with so much and that they are begining to hate me (but not as much as i hate myself). without them there is nothing left,* I aam trying hard not to upset them so i keep out of the way .* My gp is very supportive* he was the one on tues to ring Cpn as he didn't beleive me when i said things were ok ( looking back it was most likely because i was very tearful when i was talking to him* that might have given the game away)* I just didn't want my family to hurt*** I wish* didn't love my husband so much* it would be easier to go for good,* when i know he hates me then is the time.
 
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Dollit

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Jo - I'm sorry things are so bad for you right now. I know you're in such a difficult position at the moment with both physical and mental health. Do you qualify for respite care so that you could have a break from your husband? :hug:
 
S

slow jo

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It's not that i need a break from him I love him so much that i know he will end up hateing me I know he loves me but i feel that becausenof a past truma i am pushing him away, i think that i am doing that becaus if he hates me it's my excuse not to live. does that make sense? he is the only thing that keeps me here and by pushing him away i don't have a reason to be here. but on the other hand i hate myself for hurting him but i am doing him a favour in the long run i am not making sense i know but it all makes sense in my head thamks for letting me ramble on you all are the best
 
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Dollit

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If he loves you then let him love you. We all deserve to be loved. I often say that I would go if it wasn't for my cats but that's just an excuse not to go. I stay because I need to. Do me a big favour Jo and hang around for a long time because I need you to show me how to get through the bad times. :hug:
 
S

slow jo

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am soo tired i know i need to sleep but iwon't. I will dream then I get realy scared of what it all means. thank you for being there and being kind but i am no help to no-one.
Hubby here and gave me big hug, I am not nice don't deserve his love, but he said he's not going anywhere and is with me all the way, how can he be?? why can't he see how cr*p his life is with me??
so tired
how do youu stop dreams
 
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Dollit

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You can't stop dreams, it's your minds way of clearing out the rubbish. If your husband is as nice as you say he is then surely he's not lying to you? You have to start with that sort of argument with yourself. Until you start behaving as though you believe him things will never change - I know it seems like a lot but the only way to stop negative thoughts is to look for the truth. Try it as an experiment. :hug:
 
nickh

nickh

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jo. If someone really loves you then they will stick with you no matter what. I am not spouting a platitude or cliche here. I will not go into the stuff I have put my wife through over the years - not just the illness but the stuff I did as self-medication of various kinds. There is no way I would ever talk about most of this in public. But trust me I have done a lot of very, very bad and incredibly hurtful things. And she has stuck with me through all of it. And now when I am well we are happy together. I know I am sounding like a bloody Hallmark card or something but the fact is that we are really lucky if we have partners who truly love us. I know about the guilt feelings you describe jo and how you feel that the person would be better off without you. Again I have been there. But the fact is they wouldn't. The best thing you can do is stay safe. If you do that then this will pass eventually.

Nick.
 
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