• Share. Be Supported. Recover.

    We are a friendly, safe community supporting each other's mental health. We are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

Not sure where this is going.

R

rew5257

Member
Joined
Jun 29, 2021
Messages
5
Location
North Carolina
No idea how I wound up here. No clue what to expect; perhaps some trolls or maybe people with similar thoughts and/or issues. Do these things even help?

Anyhow, I'm 48, Army SOF veteran from the 1990's and currently working as a firefighter for 30+ years. I've been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder through the VA, and perhaps they're right.

Thinking aloud here..

I have no real connections to people. My brother is a stranger, I never hear from. My oldest daughter moved across country and I never see her. Other people..they're here, but I cant "feel" it. This make any sense?

My time in the Army was exciting. I think of it daily. It's shaped who I am I suppose. I miss jumping from planes and the weapons and the team guys. They're fading in memory, but I still dwell there.

I miss the ability of being violent. I miss violence. I feel caged and inhibited; like I'm no longer aloud to be that guy. I have to fake my fucking existence just to 'fit in", but I still don't fit in. Sometimes, people need a punch in the fucking mouth, but I have to manage them professionally. I don't mind it, I guess...we all have to grow up sometime. But there is definitely something enjoyable about unbridled action against those who are deserving... The worst part of this is, where I live is filled with type A Special Forces Operators, who are half my age, and still able to engage in the activity that I remember so fondly. Fuck those guys. I miss them.

I've been a firefighter for 30 years. I cant go anywhere in my city without memories fucking up the drive. Being a firefighter has taught me several things about people. They're nasty. They're entitled. They do not appreciate public servants. Anyhow, 30 years of those issues and memories and my humor is lost on people.

I'm angry.
I'm in pain from my knees and back (road marches and parachute jumps add up, apparently).
I'm lonely surrounded by people.
I'm irritable sometimes.
I'm disconnected.
I distrust everyone. Fuck em.
The people I do like, probably don't like me (LOL Irony, right?)
I have a hyper-reaction to music (like listening to 70's music makes me so nostalgic I cant stand it..and I'm often sad for those days).
I have no friends that I associate with beyond work.
Speaking of work, I have to bottle ALL this shit up, ALL the time, because my current position requires me to think critically on issues, provide sound leadership, guide our young firefighters in their own respective careers, and be responsible, professional, dependable and trustworthy. All I want to do is .........nofuckingidea.
I think of suicide all the time, (I've seen a few hundred over my years). It's not nearly as romantic as people sometimes make it out to be. I guess I'll just deal with it.

And knowing all this, I cycle back to angry.

Make sense?

Typing all this up, still didn't help lol.

REW
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 4, 2013
Messages
21,685
Location
England
Hi REW,
Thank you for helping others as a firefighter, I'm so sorry you are affected by traumatic memories.
Have you tried any therapy?

It may help to have a look at these two pages on the forum: Suicidal Crisis and Mental Health Forum - Getting Help about what to do if you're feeling suicidal, or if you need emergency help. I hope you can use the forum for support during this difficult time.

If you’re thinking about suicide and are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number (i.e. in the UK call 999, in the USA or Canada call 911, in Australia call 000 and in New Zealand call 111) or call the international emergency number of 112.

If you have been affected by the contents of this thread and would like to speak to someone about your feelings you can call one of the following helplines:

In the UK and Ireland, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.
In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.
In Canada, the Suicide Prevention Service on 1.833.456.4566.
In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14.
In New Zealand, the Need to Talk service is on 1737 or 080017371737.
Other international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.
 
A

Alexander Ypsilantis

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 3, 2020
Messages
1,642
Location
USA
No idea how I wound up here. No clue what to expect; perhaps some trolls or maybe people with similar thoughts and/or issues. Do these things even help?

Anyhow, I'm 48, Army SOF veteran from the 1990's and currently working as a firefighter for 30+ years. I've been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder through the VA, and perhaps they're right.

Thinking aloud here..

I have no real connections to people. My brother is a stranger, I never hear from. My oldest daughter moved across country and I never see her. Other people..they're here, but I cant "feel" it. This make any sense?

My time in the Army was exciting. I think of it daily. It's shaped who I am I suppose. I miss jumping from planes and the weapons and the team guys. They're fading in memory, but I still dwell there.

I miss the ability of being violent. I miss violence. I feel caged and inhibited; like I'm no longer aloud to be that guy. I have to fake my fucking existence just to 'fit in", but I still don't fit in. Sometimes, people need a punch in the fucking mouth, but I have to manage them professionally. I don't mind it, I guess...we all have to grow up sometime. But there is definitely something enjoyable about unbridled action against those who are deserving... The worst part of this is, where I live is filled with type A Special Forces Operators, who are half my age, and still able to engage in the activity that I remember so fondly. Fuck those guys. I miss them.

I've been a firefighter for 30 years. I cant go anywhere in my city without memories fucking up the drive. Being a firefighter has taught me several things about people. They're nasty. They're entitled. They do not appreciate public servants. Anyhow, 30 years of those issues and memories and my humor is lost on people.

I'm angry.
I'm in pain from my knees and back (road marches and parachute jumps add up, apparently).
I'm lonely surrounded by people.
I'm irritable sometimes.
I'm disconnected.
I distrust everyone. Fuck em.
The people I do like, probably don't like me (LOL Irony, right?)
I have a hyper-reaction to music (like listening to 70's music makes me so nostalgic I cant stand it..and I'm often sad for those days).
I have no friends that I associate with beyond work.
Speaking of work, I have to bottle ALL this shit up, ALL the time, because my current position requires me to think critically on issues, provide sound leadership, guide our young firefighters in their own respective careers, and be responsible, professional, dependable and trustworthy. All I want to do is .........nofuckingidea.
I think of suicide all the time, (I've seen a few hundred over my years). It's not nearly as romantic as people sometimes make it out to be. I guess I'll just deal with it.

And knowing all this, I cycle back to angry.

Make sense?

Typing all this up, still didn't help lol.

REW
Sounds like pretty classic PTSD to me, but I'm no expert on it. Sounds like you need an experts opinion. If it IS PTSD there are some things that can help you cope. I'm sure the VA has those type of experts, PTSD is not uncommon in former servicemen-especially if you saw a fair share of combat.

The only injury I ever suffered in military service was wrist strain from opening Efes beer at watering houses near Incirlik Air Base. The VA sees me coming and they start elbowing each other and smirking. Fuck them, it's not funny to have arthritis in your wrist at my age!
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
9,881
Location
England
Trolls :rofl2:
No, we are nice, i am glad you ended up here.

I wonder if your daughter and other people in your life, would help if they thought you needed help?

Would you consider moving closer to someone? Maybe they would relocate to near you? It isn't good being alone especially when you are depressed.

I think that if people have been through suicidal thoughts, mental illness, war, working with life and death and extremes of emotions, it is hard to not be irritated by the small stuff. Life has been an ocean and now is a puddle. This is how i have felt, i don't know if you are the same.

I think over time, the dust settles and the small stuff becomes wonderful again.

Do you have grandchildren?
 
Jolly

Jolly

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 26, 2020
Messages
1,571
Location
United Kingdom
Just a thought my nephew was in the Falklands but won’t talk about it. He drinks every night band cannot function without one. He still manages to work. So yes it could be PTSD. Get all this checked out with a professional
 
A

Alexander Ypsilantis

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 3, 2020
Messages
1,642
Location
USA
Just a thought my nephew was in the Falklands but won’t talk about it. He drinks every night band cannot function without one. He still manages to work. So yes it could be PTSD. Get all this checked out with a professional
PTSD is nothing to mess around with and it rarely gets better by itself. It's like lancing a boil, you gotta get the bad stuff out in the open or it will fester. Excess drinking to handle anxiety is often an initial symptom that something is going on deeper. You're right, see a professional is the best advice.
 
R

rew5257

Member
Joined
Jun 29, 2021
Messages
5
Location
North Carolina
What kind of professional? I really have no idea of the difference. Who's who? Psychiatrist? Psychologist? Priest? Rabbi?

Anyone have experience with visiting these people? What should I expect? I'd imagine I'd be another client on the couch bitching about life, to someone watching a clock...no clue what really goes down at these types of visits.

REW
 
Jolly

Jolly

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 26, 2020
Messages
1,571
Location
United Kingdom
I not really sure do they have a veteran society or where you work do they have a person that you can talk to
 
Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 1, 2021
Messages
3,425
Location
California
Welcome REW 💗

"I cycle back to angry.

Make sense?"

Yes.
 
R

rew5257

Member
Joined
Jun 29, 2021
Messages
5
Location
North Carolina
Trolls :rofl2:
No, we are nice, i am glad you ended up here.

I wonder if your daughter and other people in your life, would help if they thought you needed help?

Would you consider moving closer to someone? Maybe they would relocate to near you? It isn't good being alone especially when you are depressed.

I think that if people have been through suicidal thoughts, mental illness, war, working with life and death and extremes of emotions, it is hard to not be irritated by the small stuff. Life has been an ocean and now is a puddle. This is how i have felt, i don't know if you are the same.

I think over time, the dust settles and the small stuff becomes wonderful again.

Do you have grandchildren?
No, I currently do not have grandchildren. I'm not sure if/when I might, either. Most of our kids are in their early 20's and not in a hurry to start their own families.

REW
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
9,881
Location
England
No, I currently do not have grandchildren. I'm not sure if/when I might, either. Most of our kids are in their early 20's and not in a hurry to start their own families.

REW
You asked about therapy. There are so many different types and different prices.
Waiting lists can be long so if you are thinking about it, you could put your name on a list.
It is nice to talk to a professional about things sometimes. You can go for a few weeks or much longer.

Have you ever seen a doctor about how you feel?
 
R

rew5257

Member
Joined
Jun 29, 2021
Messages
5
Location
North Carolina
You asked about therapy. There are so many different types and different prices.
Waiting lists can be long so if you are thinking about it, you could put your name on a list.
It is nice to talk to a professional about things sometimes. You can go for a few weeks or much longer.

Have you ever seen a doctor about how you feel?
Not a specialist. I've mentioned these things to my GP on a few visits, but I dont have a "shrink"....I dont know who does what or who I should see (or if it's even helpful).

REW
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
9,881
Location
England
Not a specialist. I've mentioned these things to my GP on a few visits, but I dont have a "shrink"....I dont know who does what or who I should see (or if it's even helpful).

REW
I feel that anyone who doesn't have at least one person in their life they can talk to openly and receive support back, needs to talk to a counsellor or a peer support group. Mental health problems, i feel like we all need someone to talk to things about.

If we have problems in our lives that are making us unhappy or other people unhappy, that might be the time when support is needed. So for drinking, drugs, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, violence, maybe other things, they need help. Just being unhappy is enough to seek help.

I have seen a counsellor at various points in the past, never for more than a couple of months, and it was useful, but luckily i have some nice family members and also i read books written by people struggling, groups too. Many friends and familiy, their patience and energy is limited isn't it, so paying someone or here the NHS, it is a guaranteed bit of unbiased help.

Another perspective
Someone picking up on patterns of behaviour and thinking that are making life difficult

In the UK, there are private counsellors that are on an online directory, or NHS ones via the GP. Sometimes the GP can refer to a private counsellor too.
 
Wishbone

Wishbone

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 20, 2019
Messages
2,175
Location
England
Hey Rew. How much do you think it's missing the exciting old days versus things that have happened maybe effecting you psychologically? The stand out thing is obviously the anger. I guess most folks aren't usually angry about missing the old days, but more so nostalgic, so that hints at things that haven't been dealt with properly with other things thrown into the mix too. Speaking to people about anger problems, or any problem, isn't so bad. We have this vision in our heads of some elbow patch wearing yawnfest of a guy and really all it is is talking about what has happened, why things have happened and what you do in repsonse to things happening. There are different types of therapy available like Cognitive Behavioural therapy (CBT), which aims to address the way you think about things, like seeing only negatives and very few positives even when there are plenty; or anger management. Whichever way you'd end up going it's about stopping yourself in your mental tracks and saying 'whoa, lets not assume', things like that. But speaking definitely helps, even that first step of admitting that there's something going on and needing to do something about it. Places like these are great ways to let off some steam and get into the swing of being able to open up about things so do continue to do so, we're a pretty good bunch.
 
Similar threads
Thread starter Title Forum Replies Date
J Existential "crisis", not sure where to post. Depression Forum 9
H I’m not sure where to start Depression Forum 2
J New to this - was not sure where to post! Depression, stress and anxiety suffering! Depression Forum 3
M Not sure where to start Depression Forum 4
crazypants Not sure where to go from here. Depression Forum 1
W I'm not sure where all this will end up.... My story Depression Forum 2
K Not sure where to begin Depression Forum 8
Butterfly15 Not sure where to put this (hearing loss linked with mental health) Depression Forum 4
C Not sure where to begin Depression Forum 2
R Hello... Not sure how or where to start? Depression Forum 13
B Not Sure Depression Forum 14
Hardknocks88 A NOTE TO THE MODERATORS (Do i need to go to therapy again?, i am not sure) Depression Forum 2
H Not sure I will make it to my 23th birthday and I do not want to really Depression Forum 7
HellRider Not sure what to name this lmao Depression Forum 3
Fairy Lucretia im not sure this is appropriate for men to read x Depression Forum 5
Signofthetimes Confused, asking for advice I think or just reflecting, not sure. Hard day mentally and emotionally. Depression Forum 7
I I am stuck in a rut. Not sure what to do. Depression Forum 5
H At a loss - Not sure what else to try to help depression Depression Forum 6
Beachgirl Depressed boyfriend...not sure what to do. Depression Forum 2
D I'm not sure if I'm suicidal or if I'm just being self destructive Depression Forum 4
R New here, not really sure what I'm doing Depression Forum 4
Fairy Lucretia im not sure who to trust Depression Forum 6
A I'm at my wit's end, and I'm not sure if I mind. Depression Forum 3
Y not sure how too cope Depression Forum 8
vanish Not sure what to say... Depression Forum 11
D Not sure what is wrong with me Depression Forum 4
H I basically have crippling depression, I don't do anything all day, not sure what to do Depression Forum 3
D Hello.. I need urgent help. I can't really take it anymore and I am not sure if it's depression. Depression Forum 9
U I'm not sure what to do anymore Depression Forum 2
Marta1899 I’m not sure what to do Depression Forum 2
Fairy Lucretia dead fox ,not sure what to do Depression Forum 7
L Hubby may be depressed? But I don't know for sure... Depression Forum 2
2 im not entirely sure Depression Forum 9
F Not sure if I’m depressed Depression Forum 6
Fairy Lucretia im not sure im safe here Depression Forum 11
S Not sure if it's actually depression Depression Forum 3
sirenserenade Not sure of who I am outside of depression? Depression Forum 3
t_ghost Need help, not sure what to do Depression Forum 4
dreamstate help? im not really sure whats happening, Depression Forum 9
N Not sure how to explain this Depression Forum 7
P Not sure what to do sometimes Depression Forum 3
F Not sure anymore Depression Forum 2
L not sure what's wrong with me anymore Depression Forum 3
D Hi, I'm new and not really sure what I'm doing Depression Forum 4
Dajones I'm not sure about alot of things and it hurts. Depression Forum 3
G Not sure if there's a fix Depression Forum 12
E New to the forum. Not sure what I'm here for :/ Depression Forum 4
S Not sure what I am, I argue with my conscience a lot Depression Forum 2
H Not sure how to carry on Depression Forum 2
S New here and not sure posting in the right group - depression/self harm Depression Forum 3

Similar threads

Top