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Not sure what to do

M

muely1

New member
Joined
Nov 9, 2011
Messages
3
Location
Brighton, UK
Hello,

I've been feeling like theres no way out of my situation other than..."opting out" for a couple of years now. I have problems in social situations, especially with people my own age. I was bullied pretty bad at school, for a year that extended to all the people I would have called "friends" before. They just turned on me. Joined in. School became about survival. Little targets like getting through a lesson at a time. I honestly don't think I could deal with that now.

Because of that (I had to sit through the piss taking, even in lessons with teachers within earshot) I'm extremely paranoid about myself, what others think etc. I overthink everything. I constantly relive painful memories or emotions from my past. I've become a miserable person. All I see is the worst in everyone. I don't trust anyone, even close family. Countless times I've told someone something in confidence and they've told another person what I said to them. I really struggle to make friends, I seem to repel people.

I quit my job last year because I couldn't take the patronising, backstabbing and alienation I felt. I'd spend all day worrying that I'd got something wrong. Every couple of nights, I'd get home and fall asleep at 6pm. I just didn't sleep at night. The one department I got on well with I just couldn't talk to in the end. I'd walk past, think of something to say but my brain wouldn't let me talk. I had to walk past them every day to and they saw me walk past. Having said that, they could have said something. They didn't. Countless times I thought of jumping out of the top window in the office or wished the place would be engulfed in flames.

Now, I do nothing. I go out once a week to a counciler. I don't work, I can't bring myself to go down to the jobcentre and sign on because I hate it. The feeling of shame and embarrassment in doing it for me is too much. I was on for a year before my last job. I don't see friends. I've distanced myself from all of them. Any suggestion to go out was rebuked by me. I text 3 people occasionally.

Worst of all, I have no support at home. My Dad doesn't do emotional stuff. He's not one of these guys thats really hard. He just finds it too uncomfortable. I told my dad I wanted to kill myself in year 8. He said "No you don't" and walked off. My Mum's mum tried to kill herself when she was 10. She still has major issues with that and doesn't believe mental illness/psychological problems are things you can't deal with yourself. I've never had a conversation with her about any feelings. She's a shell. Completely closed off. If I try and have a conversation with her about how I feel and she starts feeling uncomfortable, she will start a vicious personal attack from nowhere. SHE takes it personally if I say anything about the problems I'm going through. She also expects (as does my Dad) that councilling for 10 weeks will solve everything. Everyweek they ask what I talked about. My Dad's just seems to be scared that I'm slagging him off.

Yesterday, after much nagging from my mum and the recommendation from my counciller, I wrote my mum a letter expressing some feelings and explaining why I don't want to go to University. I said to my mum I wanted her to read it at work, so that she could take it in and have some time to react. She said OK. She took the letter and started reading it in her room last night. "I lied" she said when I confronted her about saying that. She burst into my room after reading it and shouted at me that I needed to go to a mental hospital and that If she wrote me a letter about how she felt about me, I wouldn't want to live at home and we wouldn't have any sort of relationship. She then did her usual of shouting stuff from her room about how I needed to "grow up" and joing the "real world". I've expressed my feelings before and she was bating me into killing myself, saying "if you're going to do it, just don't do it with pills." That reaction is how she deals with emotion.

This morning she's text me at work saying we need to go for a walk and talk about stuff, in a public area so no one gets mad. I don't know what to say back. I haven't got angry with her. I don't shout at her. She's got angry countless times in public with me and my sister so I take her "promise" with a pinch of salt. I don't think she could cope if I told her how bad I've felt at my lowest. My letter was a honest account of how I feel about myself and the problems I have and look how she reacted to reading it. Hers is a character assination of me and she expects me to take it. She's worried we won't have a relationship. We don't now.

If you've read all of this I commend you. I'm sorry it's so long....I don't have anywhere else, bar a counciller I now don't trust, to vent this stuff.
 
Last edited:
Misha

Misha

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 21, 2009
Messages
462
Location
London
Oh muely I dunno what to say; I'm so sorry you've been going through all this crap. :( I'm guessing something like family therapy wouldn't go down too well with your parents? What about your sister, do you two get on okay; are you able to confide in her? Well done for writing that letter. I know it must've been hard for you to do so.
 
M

muely1

New member
Joined
Nov 9, 2011
Messages
3
Location
Brighton, UK
Oh muely I dunno what to say; I'm so sorry you've been going through all this crap. :( I'm guessing something like family therapy wouldn't go down too well with your parents? What about your sister, do you two get on okay; are you able to confide in her? Well done for writing that letter. I know it must've been hard for you to do so.
Thanks for replying Misha :)

I have even less of a relationship with my sister. I don't really know her at all. I've suggested the family therapy idea to my Mum in a very long text back. I'm predicting an angry response when she gets back anyway so I didn't think the therapy idea would make a difference in the way she'd react. She thinks my counciller is reinforcing my insecurities and thinks it's doing me no good and yet commented last week that since I'd been going to the counciller, I've been a lot more positive. I generally do feel more positive after leaving the counciller. I know why and what a lot of my problems are. No one I know seems to get the frustration of not being able to deal with problems on my own and being unable to turn off a tap of negative emotions and memories. It adds to the feeling of self hatred and helplessness.
 
Misha

Misha

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Joined
Jan 21, 2009
Messages
462
Location
London
Hmm, I know what you mean. It's like you're overcome with the memories and, for me at least, my negative memories feel like they're engulfing me and define who I am. I guess all one can do is stick to it and work through it all. I'm glad you feel positive when you go to see your counsellor - though it may seem that family support is lacking, there is at least someone out there willing and able to work through your concerns. :) And (I hate this phrase but I guess it's true) you are not alone. I almost wish everyone on this board could live in one town, just so we could see that there are others out there going through the same old shit ('scuse the language! :innocent:).

You say you don't go out often; would the thought of doing volunteering or joining a group be too much for you?
 
M

muely1

New member
Joined
Nov 9, 2011
Messages
3
Location
Brighton, UK
Yeah, engulfing is the right word. I have completely defined myself by what I think other people do/might think. A lot of that has to do with reliving previous experiences and believing those to be a generalised view the world has of me.

Volunteering would be OK in certain circumstances. As long as the group wasn't too big, I think I'd be OK.

You're right about not being alone. Don't take this the wrong way but this forum has been helpful (looking through) and seeing other people with the same sort of problems and how they are dealing with them. The empathy and community there is on here makes feel good to share.

My Nan (after a chat with her just now) recommended behavioural therapy. Have you Misha or anyone else on here ever done it? Whats involved?
 
Misha

Misha

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Joined
Jan 21, 2009
Messages
462
Location
London
Personally speaking, I'm going through psychological therapy but I have no idea if it's cbt or anything. I think I need to clarify with my therapist cos I don't feel any different. :S But from what I know CBT at least is about challenging your thoughts and perceptions of the world and yourself and changing the way you think. It could be useful to you. I'm sure there are others on the board who will be more knowledgeable and will have gone through it to give you better info. :)
 

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