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Not sure what to do with this

C

colourblind

Member
Joined
Nov 13, 2009
Messages
24
Location
London
I am really struggling.

Sorry to start my first post as a request, I would far rather be offering help but I am desperate now, I can't see through this and I am so scared. I can't seem to shift this. I don't know what to do.

I don't think I can write what its all about- I am too scared to type. Its probably the sort of thing that others would either laugh at or would also add to-scare me even further, sorry to be so vague. I'll try to kae this make sense.

I caught some news in the paper which adds to a sort of catastrophy fear I've always had at the back of my mind for as long as I can remember. Now everything is feeding into it- not just what I read. The economy, the polar ice caps, I am also terrified of people around me dying. I don't think I can cope. I'm too frightened to sleep.

Its like a proper panic attack- as much as I try to ignore the thought, my body gets a reaction- I can feel my legs become weak, shakey- my hands and limbs and shaking, my spine is shaking. I feel sick, my stomach feels strange- sort of a horrible dull ache, my chest feels like its been kicked. I find it hard to swallow. The same thoughts, words, imaghes are going through my mind....I feel so trapped. I want to stop existing- I'm terrified.

I am finding it increasingly hard to see through this- even contimplating tomorrow feels so impossible its easier to think about taking my own life. Its not as if I have an especially hard day tomorrow- its just that anything feels impossible, terrifying, and to actually be forcing myself through something feels so pointless in the face of losing everyone around me, of the future, it all feels so pointless.

Sorry to go on. I've had this drop, all of a sudden, about 5 hours ago. Since then things have felt progressivly harder. I want to sleep, its 3.40am. I am too afraid to close my eyes. I feel I can keep myself stable enough to write and to fight thinking about this whilest I am awake. I worry I wouldn't be able to do that if I am asleep.

I will try to get some medical help from my GP tomorrow, but scared to death of how I will get to tomorrow. I feel so scared right now. I am hanging on and I don't know what for. I don't think I can cope with this.
 
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quigon

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 6, 2009
Messages
58
Location
Portsmouth
Hi Colourblind. Not sure if I can help but I'd like to try. What is it exactly about tomorrow that you fear or is it more a fear of what might happen today?
 
C

colourblind

Member
Joined
Nov 13, 2009
Messages
24
Location
London
Hi Colourblind. Not sure if I can help but I'd like to try. What is it exactly about tomorrow that you fear or is it more a fear of what might happen today?
Hi Quigon, thanks for your reply.

Its not so much tomorrow that I fear, as much as the fear of carrying on with this pain all the time (emotional pain, physically shaking, feeling terrified, having images running through my mind...)

Its a bit of a long story as to hat really I feel is worrying me, because it all really began happening when I was 11. I am now 28, it comes back in spurts when I am slightly weaker for whatever reason- like a change in my lifestyle, stress or similar. Then something comes along and I tip over the edge. The last straw so to speak, is normally something catestrophic predicted to happen. It must sound really daft. I have lived through so many predictions of the apocolypse, yet the next one comes along and BANG! I'm right back to square one. No form of reminding myself of the past seems to make any difference.

Its so hard to see it any other way- despite any logic running through my mind, the emotional side is what rules the sensations in my chest, legs, back, throat....and so rules how I feel and what I feel able to do/don't feel able to do, and it just feels so endless, like I cannot escape, like this is how it will be forever and theres no way out. I end up with the same ideals- the only form of control I have against this, is to destroy myself rather then wait and have myself destroyed, after watching everyone around me being destroyed first.
In the past I've always just made the decision to go to A&E or call the samaritans, it waas like a rule I had and I kept to. But I had more in my life back then, right now, I feel like I have just been existing, not going anywhere, just about keeping my head above water...then this panic/depression/fear and feeling of pointlessness comes along and the idea to call someone up for help feels so pointless.

I don't want to feel like this....I don't think I can cope with this.

I was sent by my GP to a mental health psychiatric center who sent me to hospital. I have been asked to "clock in" with them by visiting them every day for a while. I am seeing my psychotherapist on monday. It feels like mondays never going to happen, but I want to try to hang on for then. I have been given some sleeping pills (only 2) so I can sleep as last night I managed half an hour- I kept waking up in fear.


Am trying to take things one day at a time, but it feels so hard, so endless. It feels like this is never going to end.
 
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starfish

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 15, 2009
Messages
655
Location
country cottage
dolores

i would like to help you if i can. are you on your own at the moment?to me it seems that you are feeling extremely afraid. at this point delving into your past and worrying about the future is not what you need right now. i have been where you are now ,beleive me. i feel that first of all you need to get as good a nights sleep as you can. the chances of anything catastrophic happening over night is very very remote. my advice to you is to get as much professional help as you can over the next days and weeks, recovery will take time,also get family and friends to help you. if you think they dont understand you do what i did, get them out of your life for now.take it slowly minute by minute, and as you gradually start to feel better take life a day at a time. i found writing a daily journal using pen and paper and write whateveeeer comes into your head.swearing feels good!dont forget help is always on the end of a phone-drs. mental health teams, i hope you will soon start to feel better, and this forum is a good support, take care.:grouphug:
 
Q

quigon

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 6, 2009
Messages
58
Location
Portsmouth
Thanks colourblind. I appreciate that. What I would also like to know, and you may wish to PM me this stuff, is about you. Your home, your work, who you live and socialise with. What, if any, your aspirations are. If you'd rather not that's ok.
 
C

colourblind

Member
Joined
Nov 13, 2009
Messages
24
Location
London
i would like to help you if i can. are you on your own at the moment?to me it seems that you are feeling extremely afraid. at this point delving into your past and worrying about the future is not what you need right now. i have been where you are now ,beleive me. i feel that first of all you need to get as good a nights sleep as you can. the chances of anything catastrophic happening over night is very very remote. my advice to you is to get as much professional help as you can over the next days and weeks, recovery will take time,also get family and friends to help you. if you think they dont understand you do what i did, get them out of your life for now.take it slowly minute by minute, and as you gradually start to feel better take life a day at a time. i found writing a daily journal using pen and paper and write whateveeeer comes into your head.swearing feels good!dont forget help is always on the end of a phone-drs. mental health teams, i hope you will soon start to feel better, and this forum is a good support, take care.:grouphug:
Hi Dolores,

thanks for all your advice, its stuff I'm activly trying now. I know to, its just so hard implementing it when everything feels scarily pointless- its like a black line under everything I do, more shatterting then groundingly scary. I am forcing myself to take one minute at a time, which I guess is some sort of improvement on friday when I literally couldn't allow myself to look further then the second I was in.

I don't have any friends I can run to. Full stop. I had friends, but never had anyone close enough- not since I was in hospital/reidential care several years back. I had an eating disorder, I gained huge amounts of weight through my anti depressant and cut all contact with everyone out of shame and its now been years. Instead I have a heavy 'relationship' with the gym, its more a regieme then a friend though, but actually I went back yesterday (saturday) and it felt like a bit of a relief- as if its the only grip on reality I have left. My normality.
With my family, they are not the sort to really understand mental health full stop let alone depression and anxiety- to my family, my eating disorder was a manipulative planned reaction to get what I wanted out of some sort of greed. I was alot stronger with an eating disorder and could take them saying that to me, it wasn't true, but I felt so strong in my anorexic mindset that nothing else really mattered, least of all what they said. I don't feel anywhere near as strong with depression. It feels scary at times still to look outside, everything instead of peaceful looks like something bad waiting to happen. I guess thats the change in my mindset. I can even see the reality, and see how my mind is manipulating things now, but it makes no difference to my feelings, nor the pain and panic I feel. So talking to my family and asking for help feels an impossibility. What I can do, is go sit at my mum's house. Just sit, mime the things I'd normally do, the laughing, the smiling... it does feel empty and at times its too painful to even do that, but the fact I can do that means alot to me. I guess in a way, its just about them being ohysically around me. I think that helps a little, even though I know they can't help me.

I am also keeping a diary- I have a therapist whom I see in the week, I'm trying to hang on for that, but have found its hard to hang on for something unless its going to happen in the next 24 hours. I have my session monday (tomorrow) which feels almost believable at the moment. But I am scared of the end of the day when the session will be over because I will then have nothing else to hang on for and the next session will feel too hard to hang onto in my mind. I'm hoping to bring what I have written to my session, although it does in many ways feel scary to even put my thoughts into words and on paper. I suppose I want to have everything blocked out- as if it all never happened. I know by writing it down, for me it almost puts it all in stone, "this is really happening". It makes it harder for the whole thing to (in my mind) have been a bad dream. But maybe thats a good thing. Maybe I shouldn't be running away from things right now. Or I'll ust continue the rest of my life running. Just like before.
 
C

colourblind

Member
Joined
Nov 13, 2009
Messages
24
Location
London
Thanks colourblind. I appreciate that. What I would also like to know, and you may wish to PM me this stuff, is about you. Your home, your work, who you live and socialise with. What, if any, your aspirations are. If you'd rather not that's ok.
Hi Quigon,

I can say, on here, thats fine, theres not much to say really. I've been in a low mood generally for some years now. I guess I had something happen on thursday which was the final straw of everything. I just fell into peices. I think it was all too much and that the depression became mixed with panic and then as a result of the endelssness of how it feels, everything feels pointless, when you can see clearly how endless the whole thing is, how it feels so stringly that its never going to get any easier, any better.

I live with my family close, but not close if you know what I mean. I see them, atleast once a week if not more, but the reality is, they don't understand how depression works and tend to see if (I think) as a weakness of hypersensitivity rather then as an illustration of how your past and upbrining has influenced your thinking and how you see and experience life in general. I have learnt through the years to take what I can from them and leave it at that. They are good at existing and having their own lifes. A bit like a soap is for people, they watch soaps for the background noise, the comfort, the continuity. I guess thats how they help me, just by being there and not asking too many questions.

I don't have any aspirations, not any more. I guess I never really had a "sole aim" to be a doctor/teacher/lawyer like most kids do, so I don't feel like I've lost anything, but I guess it would have been nice to have a semi-sort-of plan to go with! I feel a bit aimless really! But also, I find it so scary to look far ahead. I first got depressed when I was 11. I learnt then very quickly that looking more then a few months at the most, ahead was not worth the risk as it eventually scared me and I'd drop into another depression/anxiety thing. So I don't. And I guess thats where my aspirations begin and end.

I have no job, not any more. I used to. I worked my way up from a very dead end shop assistant job into head office. But after 6 months, the company announced cuts in staff. I guess I was last in, first out as I was halfway through my staff training and costing the company money, along with not being as good at my job as the more longer term members of staff. On top of that as we had rising costs (recession) I needed more hours too, there was no way I could function on the hours I was doing. I took out a loan to do so, but couldn't pay it back really as they hours and money were low. I lost my job, had a breakdown (not like now, not as bad) and have been jobless since. I am looking for voluntary work, but am told repeatedly that I need to be 16-24, or live in a certain area, or have this that or the other experience. I'm still looking and applying, but its not as easy as getting a paid job! And unless a paid job can pay enough to live off, I don't stand a chance- I went bankrupt, the idea of taking out a loan to live off whilst I worked to gain skills/experience (as I did before) are out of my reach, I am not allowed to get credit for the next 8 years as a result of the bankrupcy.

Theres not really much to add. My life feels like its in a sort of limbo. Its been that way for years now. I'm not really living, I'm existing. Guess thats partly why it feels so pointless. I do try to put more in, but the devestation of this depression comming along makes it very hard to do so. I have built up some things- the gym, some voluntary work (not enough) and the ability to get out of bed most days. I have a psychotherapist who is great and just perfect for being there. But as things go, my life is actually very empty- I worry about putting more into it as I know I build up string dependancies on things. When they go or change, I get landed in this depression/anxiety again. Everything is a double edged sword, I have to be very careful.

Does that answer all your questions?
 
S

starfish

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 15, 2009
Messages
655
Location
country cottage
dolores

to colourblind, you have done really well to get almost through the weekend. have you managed to get some sleep? i can relate to some of your difficulties re your family not understanding depression, and also that they feel {mistakenly] that depression is some sort of weekness. i have the same problem two members of my family told me to snap out of it. writing a daily diary was very useful at the start of my illness. i didnt actually read over what i had written, it was a way of releasing stressfull emotions such as anger and fear.if i were you iwould look to the mental health professionals to support you. do you have a cpn?if you do there should be an out of hours service for you. as for your financial dificulties ,social services could help you find out what benifits are available. there is no shame in being unemployed, no shame in having had an eating disorder, and no shame in having anxiety/depression now. these conditions are illnesses, the same as if you had a broken leg or diabetes.going to the gym sounds great. sitting at your mums gives you a bit of company even if she doesent have a clue ,about what you are going through, and also being ill does not make you a manipulator. i find reading a good diversion, and when i was really ill i got a couloring book and some coulred pencils and sat couloring in pictures. the book was an adults couloring or painting book that my daughter found on the web. good luck take care and i hope the coming week will be better for you.:grouphug:
 
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