- Apr 9, 2020
- United Kingdom
So its hard to explain this in a tldr way, but i'll try my best to summarise. I was abused mentally, physically as a kid, I was neglected and thrown away by my father, I was not something he wanted to love, but something he showed "love" on occasions, I only have a few fond memories of my father, and memories to say the least are not my strong point since I tend to forget everything now. I can barely remember my past before age of 13 apart from really traumatic stuff. I could go on forever of how my past was, but that is the major part, my father was a drunk who's last words to me before I told him I don't want to see him anymore were "your worthless, you'll always be worthless and you'll never be anything" or so to say. I have been in recent contact with him again at a family funeral, of which he was not remorseful at all and infact told me I've been brainwashed and that he has done nothing wrong and he wants me back in his life... ok then. anyway on to the reason why i'm here just wanted a little back story for reference (there is WAYYY more to it). as of now I have gone through multiple stages of depression, anxiety and fear in my life. from anorexia to obsessive eating. but I now live in fear all the time, it become really bad when my anxiety just started taking over, I had panic attacks everyday and thought I was dying. however I am slowly getting over that. my main concern is my personality, I feel as if I have two sides to myself, a side who is compassionate, loving, kind and caring who would do absolutely anything for anyone and try his best to cheer peoples day up, I even had one person say to me "you know has anyone ever told you, you know just how to cheer people up" I thought to myself that can't be me CAUSE I'M A FUCKING USELESS PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT **** who only breaks and destroys people to make himself feel better. my other side is pain, anger, impulsive and destructive, I hurt myself and others and have no control of what I say, I have said horrible things multiple times to my girlfriend, and I messaged other girls on a sexual impulse and have got caught red handed and would still blame it on her. its not just her but all the people i'm close with... I seem to just break people and destroy them, I also can never cry ever, I don't feel like crying, I have sadness but can't cry, I just have a straight face, someone could die infront of me, I wouldn't cry I wouldn't show expression.. but then I build up all this pain inside me and let it out in a suicidal breakdown where in the past I have attempted to injure myself, overdose, punch walls, destroy my stuff, and I cry and cry and cry and cry, and think of all my bad memories they come flooding as if I was dying and my life flashed before my eyes. tbh I don't even know if this whole thing is making sense, I never know how to explain myself as if my body just wants to hold back information. and when I try to explain something like this I get emotional and just start writing random shit after random shit. whatever. who fucking cares anyway i'm just another worthless human writing about his first world problems on the internet. i'm better off dead. thanks people for reading I dunno if I could explain anymore. I don't have the capacity to do so lol.
ps: therapy really doesn't help.
ps: therapy really doesn't help.
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