• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

not sure what to do, or what to think anymore.

  • Thread starter nobodyspecial111
  • Start date
N

nobodyspecial111

New member
Joined
Apr 9, 2020
Messages
3
Location
United Kingdom
So its hard to explain this in a tldr way, but i'll try my best to summarise. I was abused mentally, physically as a kid, I was neglected and thrown away by my father, I was not something he wanted to love, but something he showed "love" on occasions, I only have a few fond memories of my father, and memories to say the least are not my strong point since I tend to forget everything now. I can barely remember my past before age of 13 apart from really traumatic stuff. I could go on forever of how my past was, but that is the major part, my father was a drunk who's last words to me before I told him I don't want to see him anymore were "your worthless, you'll always be worthless and you'll never be anything" or so to say. I have been in recent contact with him again at a family funeral, of which he was not remorseful at all and infact told me I've been brainwashed and that he has done nothing wrong and he wants me back in his life... ok then. anyway on to the reason why i'm here just wanted a little back story for reference (there is WAYYY more to it). as of now I have gone through multiple stages of depression, anxiety and fear in my life. from anorexia to obsessive eating. but I now live in fear all the time, it become really bad when my anxiety just started taking over, I had panic attacks everyday and thought I was dying. however I am slowly getting over that. my main concern is my personality, I feel as if I have two sides to myself, a side who is compassionate, loving, kind and caring who would do absolutely anything for anyone and try his best to cheer peoples day up, I even had one person say to me "you know has anyone ever told you, you know just how to cheer people up" I thought to myself that can't be me CAUSE I'M A FUCKING USELESS PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT **** who only breaks and destroys people to make himself feel better. my other side is pain, anger, impulsive and destructive, I hurt myself and others and have no control of what I say, I have said horrible things multiple times to my girlfriend, and I messaged other girls on a sexual impulse and have got caught red handed and would still blame it on her. its not just her but all the people i'm close with... I seem to just break people and destroy them, I also can never cry ever, I don't feel like crying, I have sadness but can't cry, I just have a straight face, someone could die infront of me, I wouldn't cry I wouldn't show expression.. but then I build up all this pain inside me and let it out in a suicidal breakdown where in the past I have attempted to injure myself, overdose, punch walls, destroy my stuff, and I cry and cry and cry and cry, and think of all my bad memories they come flooding as if I was dying and my life flashed before my eyes. tbh I don't even know if this whole thing is making sense, I never know how to explain myself as if my body just wants to hold back information. and when I try to explain something like this I get emotional and just start writing random shit after random shit. whatever. who fucking cares anyway i'm just another worthless human writing about his first world problems on the internet. i'm better off dead. thanks people for reading I dunno if I could explain anymore. I don't have the capacity to do so lol.

ps: therapy really doesn't help.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
K

karl7

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 9, 2013
Messages
533
Welcome to the forums....im sorry youre having such a rough time, I hope things will improve for you soon.....keep up posting here on the forums, there is understanding and caring here from members who have been there
 
S

sab1978

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 10, 2020
Messages
105
Location
Canada
I completely understand what you're going through. Classic BPD. Are you able to see that the thoughts you're having are dysfunctional and irrational? Are you able to understanding logically that they are not accurate...that they are only old conditioned patterns instilled by your upbringing?
 
Tamziie93

Tamziie93

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 8, 2020
Messages
549
Location
England
Strategy is needed

Break the cycle

Think of a good memory or memories everyday to combat the bad
 
N

nobodyspecial111

New member
Joined
Apr 9, 2020
Messages
3
Location
United Kingdom
I completely understand what you're going through. Classic BPD. Are you able to see that the thoughts you're having are dysfunctional and irrational? Are you able to understanding logically that they are not accurate...that they are only old conditioned patterns instilled by your upbringing?
only half of the time, the other half I believe every single thing, its a never ending cycle honestly I want to die... I don't want to exist, but i'm scared of dying, I could not imagine taking my life, but at the same time I can... haha just one example
 
N

nobodyspecial111

New member
Joined
Apr 9, 2020
Messages
3
Location
United Kingdom
Welcome to the forums....im sorry youre having such a rough time, I hope things will improve for you soon.....keep up posting here on the forums, there is understanding and caring here from members who have been there
thank you for your reply
 
S

sab1978

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 10, 2020
Messages
105
Location
Canada
It’s so easy to get caught up on those dysfunctional thought patterns. They are hard-wired from childhood. What helps me a lot is when those thoughts come up, I write them all out on paper. I don’t have to filter myself at all. Then when I re-read them, I can see how irrational they are. Sometimes I also imagine a friend telling me about having those kinds of thoughts. I imagine what I would say to them. Then I say it over and over to myself. I try to be the parent to myself that I never had when growing up. It takes constant practice. Sometimes I get so frustrated with my brain...I wonder why it wants to sabotage me like this. But it’s all from childhood. When our brains were developing, we got degrading messages from very important people in our lives. That determines how our brains are formed fundamentally. So, it makes sense that it’s going to take a lot of work to re-wire that. But I PROMISE you one thing...you are worth it that work. And you ARE special.
 
Butterflysb

Butterflysb

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Apr 8, 2020
Messages
123
Location
Smithfield
You are here for a reason. The old programming that ‘your worthless’ is not true. your emotions are not facts remember that. They come and go as waves and cant Always be taken at face value. I know I used to struggle with self esteem and had to re train my thoughts. It takes time and consistency But it’s so worth it! Trust me! if you truly want to stop suffering and feeling this way, have the courage to challenge your thoughts, and swap them for more loving kind thoughts to yourself. Even if you don’t believe them at first, KEEP GOING. Every time a negative thoughts pops into your head, try and look at the silver lining as best you can. And over time if you keep at it, your reality will improve.
WE HAVE FULL CONTROL OF THE THOUGHTS WE CHOSE TO BELIEVE AND THINK. YOU HAVE ALL THE POWER WITHIN YOU MY FRIEND. 💕✌
 
Top