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Not sure what I've got going on in my head, could use some help pointing me in the right direction.

V

vanillabryce

New member
Joined
Aug 4, 2015
Messages
2
Not sure what I've got going on in my head, could use some help pointing me in the right direction.

Hey everyone, I'm new here. I'm a 23 year old male and I've struggled all my life with various mental issues; depression, severe social anxiety, just constant stress resulting from the worrying of what others think of me or just being overall sort of paranoid. But I'm pretty much over the depression and anxiety phase of my life, but now I have a new issue and its slowly starting to be obvious to me that it is an actual issue.

It seems like I don't have feelings anymore. Or empathy. Almost like I'm not even awake and this is all a dream. I just don't feel "there" sometimes. I can't ever sleep, my mind is always racing, its constant mental stimulation. I feel no compassion for people, I fake having feelings all the time but in reality I feel nothing but maybe slight anger and annoyance. I tell my girlfriend of a year that I love her when I really can't feel anything, not just her but for anyone, yet I know she must feel some great feeling inside for me when she says she loves me. Don't get me wrong I want to be with her, there's no reason for me to not be and we work well together, but I just don't get that feeling of infatuation and love. I think I did a long time ago. But not now. My friend of 15 years' dad just died, and I didn't feel bad for him, I had nothing to say to him about it. I just thought "well he was 97 it was bound to happen." I hate showing affection to anyone but my girlfriend, it just doesn't feel right. Hell my mom tries to hug me or get close to me and it just feels wrong. I don't like people getting close to me.

And then there's the issue of me always having to be heard. To be the center of attention. I post to Facebook ALL the time. Any thought I have I MUST post. Everyone needs to hear what I have to say. And if anyone disagrees with me I get pissed. And I'll purposely take an opposing opinion against someone just to piss them off. So they stop trying to sound like a know it all. Almost like deep in my mind I think I'm the only one that can be right. In conversations I have to but in and talk. There can't be silence. And then when people ignore me (they've always ignored me) I get more furious. Then I'll always have to top someone's story, even if its about something bad that happened to them. Something worse happened to me, even if I exaggerate it to make it sound worse. I'll take having people pity me, at least its attention. I'll be extremely self deprecating just to get some laughs and admiration of my sense of humor.

Basically, in my life it's all about me and other people's feelings don't matter or make sense to me. I don't want it to be like this. It never was like this when I was a kid, I was the sweetest little guy. But I can't help myself now. It's like an addiction. I'm just looking for some help pointing out the possibilities of personality disorders I might be suffering from. I've thought maybe Schizoid, maybe Histrionic, at times I think maybe I'm a Sociopath and actually love that idea. But I just want to get an idea of what maybe I have going on so I can look into it and maybe see someone about it. So, let me give a brief history of my past including important events that might mean something:

2008: start being unable to attend school (sophomore year of high school) due to constant feeling of having to throw up and full-body sick feeling. Turned out to be severe social anxiety (intense fear of throwing up in public or overall drawing attention to myself in an embarrassing way. I had actually thrown up once a few years before in class) which also led to depression and a mental breakdown. Missed 6 weeks of school, was put on lexapro and xanax and took a week of half days to transition back into school then to get past my anxiety, I played in our music talent show to 1000 people. Granted I was on a good amount of xanax, but I did it and didn't really seem to have as many problems afterwards when people were actually congratulating me and making me feel better.

2009: Depression came back but not nearly as bad, was put on Paxil for maybe 8 months.

2010: Having a lot of trouble focusing on anything, had been getting worse and worse since junior high. Started being prescribed Adderall, was on that for 2 years until mid-2012 when my doctor changed offices without notice and my dad out of frustration ended my treatment. No formal diagnosis of ADHD I don't think. I was kind of out of it at that time and had my parents handle all medical issues. Also in 2010, I had a very depressing incident with a girl that meant a lot to me and a sudden loss of nearly all my friends due to fighting for about a year. I knew a girl for about 3 years at this point from posting youtube guitar videos, and we got very close and I had a thing for her and her me. Finally had a chance to meet her and the month before I was coming to meet her on vacation, she got back with her ex boyfriend and canceled our meet up. I was devastated and completely alone at this time though I eventually got over it when she called me months later saying he cheated and she was sorry. Any more info on this story just ask, I will spare the extra details for now.

2011: Met a new girl, got really close, then right as it started getting serious she "put me on hold" for an ex fiance she thought wanted her back but really didn't, then said she was just over me when she found out he was over her too. Again, got very depressed for awhile but not nearly as long.

2013: Girl that I was supposed to meet from the internet actually came to visit me this time and actually did it this time. It was a bad week. She was antisocial, rude, demanding, and I wanted her gone. My dream girl was not what I expected. I had to rethink the last 6 years of my life, this girl knew everything about me and I told all of my feelings and problems to her and her to me. Losing her took away my only place to vent. Since then I really haven't felt many strong feelings, and I've had friends point out to me that I completely lack empathy. I didn't talk to this girl again, until about 2 weeks ago when I did this thing I do where I message people that I have hurt (there was a big argument after she left) and apologize even though I don't really mean it. Maybe so I can see whats going on in their life? I don't really know why I do this. I think maybe its just because I know it will get me attention.

Since about 2012 (I was 20) I've been experimenting with a few drugs. I drink but never really get drunk. I smoke marijuana a small amount every night, usually for its relaxing effects but also for relief for my intense intestinal pains I've had for about a decade. I also have been on Adderall, and tried MDMA a couple times the last year. Which is really the only time I have actually felt feelings in the last few years.

Hmm, I'm trying to think of more details. Well, growing up I was always bullied and picked on, beat up by this "friend" of mine, told I was a girly boy by friends and my dad because I was into my looks a lot because I desperately wanted to impress the girls, had a very low self-image and hated my not so manly shaped body (still do but not as much) and my grandpa constantly said bad things about me. And all throughout my life since maybe I was 7 my parents have been fighting and many threats of divorce and separation. I've never witnessed a happy marriage until maybe fairly recently now that they don't have my brother and I to look after.

Oh and if it matters, I was born very sick and nearly died. I don't know much about it, just that my mom had 2 miscarriages before me and I almost was another. I was born dehydrated, umbilical cord wrapped around my neck, and then I got a really bad virus that brought me extremely close to death (doctor said I was dying) so who knows, maybe that cause some issues in my brain? Or maybe its an adult-onset personality disorder finally showing its face?

Thank you for any help in advance. I know this was a long post and it takes a lot of time to read.
 
Unique1

Unique1

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 27, 2015
Messages
8,765
Location
UK
Hi vanillabryce

Welcome to the forum!

I read your post and I'm sorry for what you are experiencing right now.

Unfortunately we are not able to diagnose here, that would be for a medical professional.
Suggest an appointment with your GP, who could refer you to relevant professional.

This forum is a great place to come along and post and read posts, and chat to likeminded people.

Someone may come along with similar experiences to you and have some further guidance to offer. I do hope so.
Best wishes to you.
Unique1 x
 
SarahD

SarahD

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2014
Messages
2,095
Location
UK
Hello vanillabryce

Welcome to the forum. :welcome:

Sorry to read about all you have been through.

I think the problems you have had, and the way you feel and relate to others, could have complex causes. As Unique1 says, you would really need to see a psychiatrist to find out what is going on. Even if you have similarities to other people's symptoms, you may not have the same disorder. Perhaps you could write out your experiences, as you have here, to give the psychiatrist some background as a starting point.

There are ways of changing things, apart from meds, therapy can often help. If you do have a personality disorder, many sometimes improve as you get older. Past struggles and difficult experiences can also have a traumatic effect.

I hope you can find some help soon.

Best wishes, Sarah
 
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vanillabryce

New member
Joined
Aug 4, 2015
Messages
2
Thanks for the response. I know I can't be diagnosed, but that isn't what I was wanting anyway. I was just looking for suggestions, possibilities that I could look into and bring up with a psychiatrist to save time. I have met with a doctor and he said he would refer me to my last psychiatrist I went to a couple years ago. Though its been nearly 2 weeks and I haven't heard from her office. I called back after a week to my doctor to ask about it and they said they'd "pass on the notice" to her office again but still a week later and nothing. He only suggested her because she has my history on file already.

Hopefully someone does come along with some similar experiences that can help shed some light on this.
 
Nikita

Nikita

Former member
Joined
Jun 20, 2015
Messages
4,860
Hello Vanilla,if it helps the only thing I know is that you fit the labels sociopath and narcissist,cos both need attention from others for what they can get and neither feel any empathy for others.Maybe you could explore them labels further if it helps.I am not saying you have these conditions and it goes without saying we can't diagnose here and are not qualified to do so.In my opinion you might learn more if you explored further those two conditions.Best of luck!Nikitax
 
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